If depression won’t go away; thoughts and body sensations

Written by Amie on August 10, 2014 – 1:36 am -

Depression is IN the body

I remember a time when I wasn’t aware of my thoughts. That may sound strange, but I think it is more common than not. Most people are sort of on automatic pilot so to speak. I know I was. Before I became aware, I would have said no, I don’t have negative thoughts about myself. Oh my goodness was I ever wrong. I’m not judging myself, I just wasn’t aware. My thoughts were in control, and they had been in a continuous loop for so long, I didn’t realize how mean I was being to myself. When there is an accumulation of emotional pain in the body, our thoughts begin to match the pain by telling us how bad we are that we can’t make it go away. We blame ourselves for feeling so bad. We beat ourselves up because nothing seems to help. I want to talk about one of the main reasons, in my opinion, why depression won’t go away no matter how positive you may think you are being. Many of us try to feel better by fighting the negative thoughts. We try to block out the “negative” thoughts. While I do believe it is a very very good thing to begin saying positive affirmations to yourself, I also believe you can’t stop there if you want to truly feel better. Depression is IN the body, this is why our thoughts don’t make it go away.

Incessant thoughts…..keep you distracted from the emotional pain 

Depression will not go away until you are ready to feel your body. What do I mean by this? I want to explain it, because there was a time I didn’t fully understand what this meant. Thoughts are one thing, feeling in the body is something different. When I was deeply depressed I wasn’t aware of my body. I didn’t notice how my body felt when I was having an emotion or when I was thinking about things. When I had an emotion about something, my mind quickly took over and would start leading me down a path of trying to figure it all out, or trying to tell me what I was doing wrong, or or or……thoughts would follow thoughts would follow thoughts would follow thoughts…. I had no idea these thoughts weren’t true, nor did I have any idea that I could control my mind by first becoming aware of my body sensations. Incessant thoughts are there to keep you distracted from the emotional pain you are having in your body. In some way, thoughts are helping you cope with the pain by giving you something to think about. Even though the thoughts are not making you feel good, they are keeping you busy while your body is in anguish. Thoughts will not make depression ease up. If you are feeling horrible right now, try an experiment if you can. Try saying to yourself, “I am a beautiful person.” At the very same time, pay very close attention to your body. How does it feel? Is your stomach tight? Does your head feel like its in a vice grip? Please don’t stop saying the affirmations, they will start to feel true at some point. But I just want you to become aware of your body.

Depression is the messenger

It is so very important to become aware of your body sensations if you want to discover the truth of who you really are. You are not your depression. Depression is the messenger. It is telling you that your truth is inside you, the truth that you are a beautiful loving soul who can, in fact, feel happy and joyful. Our bodies hold emotions if we aren’t able to express them at the time an event happens. Therefore, our bodies are storing many many emotions that are waiting to be triggered or felt. Feeling them is the antidote for helping them leave the body. When something happens that triggers the repressed emotions, our first reaction is to “figure it out”. Which, guess what this does? It takes us away from feeling the emotion in the body. So, the emotion will remain in the body until it can be expressed. I need to also say this; it is important not to push yourself to feel. Just become aware of your body, and you will feel as your body is ready. Staying aware is most important, and being gentle on yourself as things come up to be felt and processed.

what I mean by “triggers”

Becoming aware is so important because it is the beginning of having more control over your mind. As you process the pain, your negative thoughts will lessen a great deal. I don’t believe they will ever completely go away, but you will become better at just observing them and noticing they are thoughts. You will also be able to feel in your body that negative thoughts are not the truth. If you don’t have the body triggers, then the thoughts don’t affect you so much. In case you aren’t sure what I mean by “triggers”, I will give you an example in my own life. When someone in my life tells me I should forgive someone, it still triggers the hurt place inside me. Not nearly as much as in the past, but it still does, nonetheless. What does this look like for me? Well, I first notice a tightness in my stomach, a clenching. It feels like my stomach is trying to hold onto something. This is a past reaction I am still working on. In the past, I would be on autopilot, and I would become angry in my head, but ignore my body. I would “think” I am a bad person because I can’t “forgive”.

Act as though nothing happened

My pattern was to get angry, but not express how I felt. I would hold it in because I wanted to be a “nice person” by agreeing to forgive. The back story, or where this came from, is this: I learned the definition of forgiveness is, “forget that someone hurt you without taking any responsibility for their actions. Act as though nothing happened, and then pretend that you are fine.”  So, until I process all of my feelings around my learned dysfunctional definition of forgiveness, I will still be triggered (i.e. my body will still react). So, my job is to feel and process my emotions each time I am triggered until my body no longer reacts. Awareness makes so much difference! With awareness I am able to remind myself, “oh, look, I am being triggered by this right now, just allow it to be there.” And, then I allow myself to feel my body without going into a story. Thoughts will control you if you don’t stay aware of them. And, it is so important not to follow the thoughts. Always check in with your body. If you are anxious, feel the body sensations rather than following your thoughts into the story. Keep going back to your body.

Please be gentle on yourself. Nurture yourself as much as possible. You will feel better the more you feel and the more you learn to love yourself. You DO deserve to feel good. Love is your natural state. Feeling will get you to the truth inside. It will be painful at times, but keep reminding yourself that the emotions are just energy moving through.  Stay with your body. Thank your body for getting you to this day, for getting you through the pain, for helping you cope. Give yourself a big hug from me. 

Listening to this makes me feel calm and makes me feel the truth of who I really am. I hope it makes you feel good too.

 

 

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Awareness, Connection, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself | No Comments »

I soothe my pain and I comfort my grief

Written by Amie on January 27, 2014 – 2:01 am -

the little girl 

I wonder how many times I have said to myself that I have let go of hoping things could be different. I think I let go, and then a wave of grief hits to remind me I am human. So I go deeper, deeper into the pain that still lingers at times. I feel. I feel. I feel. And it is painful. Each time I allow myself to feel the deeper pain, I heal that much more. I remember to parent myself. I say things to myself that I wish I would have heard as a little girl. I say the things that remind me I am loved and cared for even if it doesn’t look like what I thought it would look like. I feel and I release the disappointment that there are some people who will never realize the hurt they have caused. I feel the sadness that some people choose to perpetuate the very same behaviors from the past that continue to cause others pain in the present. I nurture myself in the way that soothes the longing just a little bit. I soothe my pain and I comfort my grief. I comfort and protect the little girl within my heart who still wishes for things to be different.  The little girl who wishes she could remember a time when she felt safe as a child. Safe to express who she really was. The little girl who knew she would be protected no matter what. The little girl who always wished to feel adored, who wished for encouragement to be strong and carefree. The little girl who learned to take care of others before herself. The little girl who learned to do things for herself because that was the only choice. The little girl who took everybody else’s needs into account and completely forgot about her own. The little girl who had no idea what healthy meant.

Little Girl Holding Kitten

 she is me and I am her

I keep the little girl tucked safely in my heart. She is free to be who she really is. She is safe. She is protected. She is beautiful and worthy of love. She is my sweet baby girl. She is no longer a victim. She has me now, to support, encourage, protect, love, care for, and cherish her. She doesn’t have to worry anymore about not getting her needs met. She doesn’t have to worry anymore about being taken advantage of. She doesn’t have to hide her true self in hopes that her false self will be loved and accepted. She is safe, strong, capable, wild, free, happy, loved, loving, cherished, capable, worthy, heard, seen, expressive, and she is me. And I am her. We are a team. She will always be safe in my care.

 we all have our own journeys; this is mine and that is theirs

My little girl and I are no longer victims. We get to choose who has the honor of being an important part of our life. My little girl and I decide what we want to do, what feeds our soul, who we want to play with, who we want to talk to, who we want to love, and who is trusted to love us. I own my life, both past and present. I express from my truth. And…..there are times when I just need to feel sad and grieve for what I wish I had. Grieve for the people who choose to look the other way rather than own up to their behaviors. And come back to the understanding that we all have our own journeys; this is mine and that is theirs. And still I allow myself to feel the real feelings that surface when they need to. This is how I own my journey. I accept my path, I accept theirs, and I honor my feelings and my truth. I nurture myself and I take good care of my little girl within.

the more at peace I am

If I am to continue feeling alive and healthy, I must let the little girl in me express herself and I must assure her that she is safe. I do this by practicing self-love and self-nurturing. I nurture myself by nurturing my little girl. Everybody has their own journey, and even though my little girl didn’t receive the love and nurture she needed, I am still very grateful for my life and my experiences. I continue to release the sadness, the grief, the longing; while at the same time I own my life and my experiences. The more I own my truth, the deeper into my soul I am able to go. The deeper I go, the more authentic I am and the more at peace I am. I wouldn’t be who I am, doing what I am doing if it weren’t for my experiences. I know without a doubt, I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and letting go more and more each moment. I am loved. And so are you. Always.

 

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Depression, Grief and dying, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 6 Comments »
RSS