the need to feel connected; learning self love and self compassion

Written by Amie on April 19, 2013 – 1:05 am -

feeling safe to express who you really are

Underneath the feelings of depression, sadness,guilt,shame,grief, (and I believe most emotions), is the need to feel connected to ourselves and to others. When I was depressed, I was completely shut off from myself and from others. When I was depressed, I would isolate myself. What I really needed was someone to be there with me, holding me and reassuring me. Sadly, I felt I didn’t deserve to have this, and I also felt that nobody would want to be there for me anyway. So I was not able to ask for what I needed. I believe most people (people who are not in touch with their true feelings) feel too ashamed that they have the need to be connected to others. It makes them feel weak to need other people. When I say “connected”, I mean in an authentic way. I mean being able to feel and to express your deepest, most sacred feelings. I mean feeling safe to express who you really are.  What I was truly craving when I was feeling the most hopeless, was to have  someone there with me to witness the emotions I was having, and to be present with me, without trying to “fix it”. Instead, I felt guilt, shame, and self-hatred because I couldn’t “feel better” on my own. I felt as if something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just “snap out of it”, or “find something positive to focus on”. Well, now I know why.

our  emotions trigger a reaction inside them

Most of us were conditioned to shut off our emotions and to believe that we “shouldn’t” need anybody when we are having “strong” emotions. People may tell us to reach out, but many people are not capable of handling us if we actually do reach out. Many people try to “say the right thing” by offering to be there for us, but when it comes down to it, we learn that it isn’t safe to express our true selves. We learn that when we  reach out we hear the message, “you will be OK”, “tomorrow is another day to start over”, “can you exercise, will that help?”, “maybe you should do…xyz”. Don’t get me wrong, most people are well intentioned.  The problem is that our  emotions trigger a reaction inside them, so they want that feeling to go away quickly, as it feels very uncomfortable. They want you to be “all better” so that things can feel “normal”, and so that they can go back to feeling comfortable. What we really need is just to be heard, validated, accepted, and loved. These feelings make us feel connected to each other.  Deep inside each of us is the need to feel connected and accepted, especially when we are feeling horrible about ourselves. When we share our sacred feelings with someone and the reaction we get back is one of dismissal, or of them trying to “fix” us, this reinforces our feelings of self-hatred. Even though they are attempting to make us feel better, we feel worse because we are not being heard and our feelings are not being validated. By trying to fix us, we get the message that something really is wrong with us. So, we decide that isolating ourselves is the answer. Who would want to be around someone who is depressed and can’t “get over it”? The self-hate messages convince us that we don’t deserve to be listened to and loved. (please keep reading, as there are most definitely ways to get your needs met in this situation).

even when we feel dead inside

Many of us were conditioned to hide our feelings, to hide until we “feel better”. We have been conditioned to put on a smile even when we feel dead inside. I remember  “acting as though everything is fine”. That is, until I couldn’t do that for one more second! I thought I would go completely insane if something didn’t change. I knew I needed people in my life who could love me and support me for being exactly as I am. I didn’t “mentally” think this, if that makes sense, but I *knew* in my body that I needed to be connected to others in a healthy way. I was craving like-minded, accepting people. In general, if a person could stop and really get in touch with their true feelings, they might notice how they are craving authentic connection with others. Imagine if it became “normal”, healthy behavior to answer the question, “how are you today?” with a REAL answer instead of, “fine, thanks, how are you?”! You might say, “well, actually I am feeling sad today because my cat is sick. I am afraid she might die, and I’m really scared.” Imagine if the person responded to you with authentic heartfelt words that really connected you to them. Imagine if that person looked you in the eyes and really “saw” your pain and your fear, without trying to make you “all better”. Imagine if they just simply connected with you in a way that you truly felt heard and validated?  Your truth is being shared with another being, and you feel connected and you feel safe. Imagine what this world would feel like!! Imagine how each of us would feel if we felt connected to all of the people in our lives in an authentic way. Imagine if we didn’t feel the need to hide or pretend how we are feeling in order to protect ourselves emotionally.

Depression is your soul’s way of saying, “enough beating”

Connection is at the heart of being human. Humans need authentic connection in order to be healthy. We can only pretend for so long. Sadly though, there are some people who go through their whole lives without having real connection. We are all craving authentic connection. I believe this 100%. But we have been shamed and guilted into believing we shouldn’t show our true selves. The way our world is set up right now, it is difficult to feel connected in an authentic way with others because most people are in “pretend you are happy” mode. This does a disservice to everyone for so many reasons. It is very difficult to be vulnerable with someone who appears to “have it all together”, or with someone who appears to have  no worries.  Remember, most people may be pretending, so try not to compare yourself with others. Healthy people do exist though, lol, I promise you that!  Some people who appear to be happy, are in fact, happy and healthy! As you become more and more aware of your own emotions and truths, you will begin to have a feeling about others who might be a safe choice for you to express your true self. The path to connection begins with self-love and self-compassion, two things most of us were not taught. We must begin the practice of being easy on ourselves. We have been shut down emotionally and beat down mentally, for possibly our whole lives. Depression marks the turning point. Depression is your soul’s way of saying, “enough beating”. “Enough self-hatred”. It is time to begin the journey to loving yourself enough to fill the need for connection. You deserve connection and love.

The Good News! Your Way to feeling and being connected

Now for the good news! When we don’t feel safe enough to express our true selves, we are not connected to anyone, let alone to life itself. Cutting ourselves off from our true selves and from others, we also cut ourselves off from our life force. I don’t believe it is possible to feel connected to anyone or anything in an authentic way unless you love yourself. You can only feel love and connection to the degree in which you feel it towards yourself. (two exceptions in my opinion, are children and animals) Life doesn’t want us to feel disconnected. It is there just waiting for us to reconnect. Learning self love and self compassion is key. I went from completely hating myself to being completely in love with myself. (it has taken several years, and I continue to grow stronger and stronger in this, as the journey goes on forever) I tell you this because I want you to know that this is possible for you too to love yourself no matter how hopeless you are feeling in this moment! It is a process of unlearning the self hate messages and beliefs that have been on “automatic” in your mind for probably most of your life. So, for me, I began with nurturing myself whenever I possibly could. I picked nurturing music, I read healing books, I found a loving therapist (who focuses on self-love and body/mind/spirit), and I became part of a healing, women’s growth group, I danced more, I got healing massages and learned all kinds of body healing techniques, and very importantly, I started working with a homeopath. I bought myself small gifts when I could; pens and pads of paper being my favorites. I asked the universe to bring healthy people into my life, and then I paid attention. I began meeting people who I feel safe being vulnerable with. I also stopped opening myself to people who weren’t yet capable of receiving me and my truth. It is a process to learn to take good care of ourselves. Becoming aware of your thoughts is imperative. When you hear self-hate in your thoughts, choose self-compassion instead. Have compassion for yourself as you would have for a small child or a loving pet. Talk to yourself as you would talk to them. Listen to the pain going through your head. It is painful to tell yourself hurtful thoughts. Give yourself compassion around this. Fill your thoughts with self-loving words, even if they don’t feel true. Someday they will, and you won’t need to say them anymore, your body will *know* them to be true, your body will *feel* them.

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Letting go of depression and opening to love

Written by Amie on November 2, 2011 – 1:11 am -

Being depressed is like being in prison

Wow! I was just watching Oprah’s new Life Class show, and I sobbed tears of joy throughout the whole thing. I am so touched right now. I feel so alive with hope and love, it is overwhelming. In a really hopeful beautiful way. Please keep reading, I won’t talk just about the show the whole post here. The show was about how animals touch our lives and how they give pure unconditional love. There is a program in some prisons called Puppies Behind Bars, and this is what touched me so deeply. Let’s see if I can put it into words. My body is pretty overwhelmed with feelings of love right now. When I watched these men taking care of the puppies, my stream of tears started. I could *feel* the weight of the world being lifted from them. These men felt unconditional love for the first time ever in their lives. It was painfully sad on some level, but so beautiful on a much deeper level. I felt a connection with these men. I realized how depression really imprisons a person. I was a prisoner of myself for years. I do realize that being incarcerated has so many other challenges. I don’t want it to sound as though I am minimizing this.

The minute you decide to pay attention to your thoughts and beliefs, and start *questioning* them is the minute the bars start to crumble 

The men in the show were physically imprisoned, or so it seems. I believe they are also emotionally, spiritually, and mentally imprisoned. This is exactly the same for people suffering with depression. Depression causes a person to be stuck on all levels. Depression is caused by the suppression of one’s authentic self. We become numb on all levels because we are stuck in the thoughts and beliefs we were conditioned to believe. Our authentic selves are fighting against what we have been taught. Each time our authentic truth tries to show itself, the messages we have been conditioned to believe convince us that this authentic self is wrong or bad. So, back to being stuck. It is a continuous fight. The more the thoughts and beliefs are believed, the stronger the “bars” become. BUT, these bars can be knocked down. The minute you decide to pay attention to your thoughts and beliefs, and start *questioning* them, is the minute the bars start to crumble. *You* are in control of your prison, I promise you.

 They have never known what it is like to be loved for exactly who they are. Their true selves have been conditioned out of them

Watching this show brought up so many emotions for me. Like I said earlier, I was sobbing while watching it. It hit me on such a deep level. I could see the humanness of each of these men. I could clearly see what I have always felt. My belief is that people end up in prison because they have never felt love, they have never been really *seen*, they have not been unconditionally loved, they have never known what it is like to be loved for exactly who they are. Their true selves have been conditioned out of them. They are acting out of fear and desperation. They have given up on the hope that they can ever feel better or ever be loved. They are convinced that they are not worth anything and that nobody cares about them. Therefore, they live to survive. In any way they can. Sound familiar? Anyone suffering from depression probably feels all of these things as well. I know I did.

This is the reason you feel self hatred. This is the reason you feel hopeless. This is the reason you feel worthless.

I understand that everyone has their own journey. I know from my own experience that we are exactly where we should be on our journey. I am in a place now that I know *for sure* that each of us has unconditional love inside us at all times. Depression can be healed when we make the decision to become aware of what we are telling ourselves. Every single person is capable of healing. I know this  deep inside. At the core of every one of us is love. By questioning and changing what we believe we get closer and closer to our authentic selves. Every time you allow yourself to notice your thoughts or beliefs, question them, and then acknowledge what you really believe or feel, you get closer to your truth. The truth is *you are loved* unconditionally, and that you deserve to be full of love. The only reason you don’t know this right now is because the messages you have been taught and told to believe are blocking this truth. This is the reason you feel self hatred. This is the reason you feel hopeless. This is the reason you feel worthless. These are *all* thoughts!!! They are NOT true, I promise you. they may feel true deep in your body. That is *only* because you have had them in there for a long time. That is the only reason!!! Stop believing your thoughts. Begin right now by noticing what you tell yourself. Once you start doing this, you will become more present in yourself, which will lead you to being strong enough to process some of your emotions. This leads to healing…..and ultimately to self-love. I don’t even know you, but I *know* for a fact that I love you.

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