We are not working towards enlightenment, we are coming home to ourselves.

Written by Amie on July 15, 2015 – 2:53 am -

“You are not IN the universe, you ARE the universe, an intrinsic part of it. Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the universe is becoming conscious of itself. What an amazing miracle.” ~Eckhart Tolle

 

Yes, the darkness exists

I want you to know that inside each of us is a seed that is a seed of the universe. Inside you is the whole universe in a seed. The universe is vast, it is perfection,it is pure,it is light,it is all. It is you. My favorite quote goes something like this, “you are not a drop in the ocean, you are the entire ocean in a drop.” I am telling you this because remembering this helped me remember who I really am even when I was feeling worse than horrible. When I would get those dark feelings and I could barely function, I would remind myself that the darkness was not who I am at my core, it is not my truth. Yes, the darkness exists, and it has been part of my journey, but it is not my core seed, the seed of the universe.

I promise you, there is nothing wrong with the core of who you are

We are born pure. Yes, I do believe it is possible to come here with some potential “baggage” from other lifetimes we have lived, but overall, we are born pure. What I mean is, I don’t believe we are born with darkness, I don’t believe babies are born depressed. I do believe some of us are born with a more sensitive nervous system, or are more calm, etc. I don’t want to get into that subject, but I want to acknowledge it. So, I want to assure you, the darkness you are feeling is not who you are, and you are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you. I promise you, there is nothing wrong with the core of who you are, with that beautiful seed that will exist in you forever. This can never ever be taken from you. Yes, it can be buried, it can be covered, it can even be hidden. But, it is always there, always.

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how to separate unhealthy or negative experiences from their core truth (seed)

The analogy that helps me is this; we have this seed in us that is who we truly are. The seed is unique for each of us, but always contains the entire universe within the seed. Which means we have everything we need, always. No matter what happens to us in our lives, we still always have the seed. Depending on our unhealthy life experiences or traumas, the darkness grows if we are unable to separate the experience from who we truly are (the seed within). Children, most of the time, do not have the life experience or awareness to know how to separate unhealthy or negative experiences from their core truth (seed). They will most likely *feel* the truth in their body without understanding what the feeling means. Most of the time a child is unable to decipher what the feeling is telling them,unless they have someone in their life who is able to help them navigate what is going on. I think of these unexamined experiences as cement that covers the seed. Each time we have an experience that is not processed, but instead it is repressed, it is like having concrete poured over the seed.

protecting the seed

If a child grows up in a dysfunction environment, and doesn’t have at least one person helping her understand her feelings, it is more likely she will have a lot of cement surrounding the seed, thus burying her true self. (I need to point out that everyone has negative experiences, and we all can make the choice to chip away the cement in order to unbury the seed within. I point this out because this isn’t a post blaming parents.We can all make the decision to heal our wounds so that we don’t pass on the dysfunction, and so we don’t navigate the world through a lens of our own wounds)The cement also serves the purpose of protecting the seed. What I mean is that if we are consistently exposed to dysfunctional behavior, such as abuse, neglect, etc, our seed goes into protective mode. Our seed instinctively knows to protect us.So, in this way, the cement actually helps us.

Taking care of your beautiful little seed must become your priority

When the day comes that we are able to navigate the world on our own, we can begin the process of chipping away the cement. I think of a sidewalk or a road where you see a little sprout popping up through the cement. The seed is resilient. It knows exactly what to do, and it will try very hard to help you remember who you truly are. It really depends on if you are ready to hear the message that you are a beautiful seed, you are perfection, everything is exactly as it should be. The seed will grow and grow and be seen more and more as you begin taking care of yourself. Once you begin the process of loving yourself and reminding yourself that you deserve a healthy life, your little seed will cheer and cheer until the day comes when you love yourself so much, you will no longer tolerate people in your life who do not respect you and who do not cheer for your seed to grow and to be healthy. Taking care of your beautiful little seed must become your priority. If someone does not see you or hear you, they may not be deserving of your energy.

You are the universe

The cement is not you. It is the negative experiences of your life. Each time you hear a negative message in your head, remind yourself, this is not the seed, it is the cement, and it was poured there without your consent. It was used to bury your truth. Talk to yourself, remind yourself of the universe inside, the seed that contains the whole univese. You are the universe. You truly are pure love. We are not working towards enlightenment, we are coming home to ourselves. We are uncovering the beautiful seed within, the seed that shines your unique self.

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, Emotional Wounds, healing from depression, Help with depression, Self-love | No Comments »

Grief; Healing my heart one piece at a time

Written by Amie on October 5, 2013 – 2:09 am -

my heart is on the outside of my body

My sweet doggy died unexpectedly a few days ago. My heart feels like it is broken into a million pieces. There was no warning, no time to plan a good bye. He was too young to go. But yet he did. One day he was a healthy, high energy, happy guy, the next he was gravely ill. How could this be? The grief is deep and it is raw. I grieve for him, and yet I feel I am grieving for all of the sad experiences I’ve ever been through. I feel I am grieving my brother’s death 6 1/2 years ago. I screamed when I found out my dog died, and that scream was so deep and so raw, I know I was grieving for more than my sweet dog. It feels as though my heart is on the outside of my body, as vulnerable as it can be. It doesn’t take much to send me into a heavy bout of crying. He should still be here, yet he isn’t. Wishing for something other than what is makes me suffer. But I continue to wish for things to be different. Accepting what is makes it feel too final. I’m not ready for it to feel so final. (and I ask myself, am I also still wishing for my brother to be here? I know the answer to that)

“what do I really know for certain?”

As each hour passes, I ponder the question, “what do I really know for certain?” And I keep coming back to, “not much, maybe nothing at all.” I do know love, I know it is the one constant. It is always there, even if hidden at times. I know I am breathing in this moment right now. But, in the big picture, what do I really know? Not much, maybe nothing at all. And so I keep pondering. Right when I think I know something for sure, it changes. So maybe I know nothing stays the same, everything changes. I know it is difficult to let go of those I love. It is difficult to let go of someone I thought would be around for as long as I needed. I know I relied on my dog a lot more than I realized. He brought a certain safety to my life. And he brought unconditional love. He loved me no matter how grumpy I was, he loved me even if I didn’t take him for a walk every time he wanted to go, he loved me no matter what I did. He was pure love. He showed me complete presence, he saw me for me. He felt my heart, he knew I loved him even when he stole my shoe or my peanut butter sandwich! He showed me truth. He felt my emotions and didn’t even complain when they were pretty heavy.

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Grief reminds me that I am alive and I am human

It feels as though each time I allow myself to really be with my grief, to really embody it, to really feel the pain, a piece of my heart comes back together. Each painful piece, one by one comes back to begin the process of repairing the whole. And I know from experience, once those pieces come back together, my heart will be stronger and more willing to be loving and vulnerable than it was before this sad experience. Grief is such a unique emotion. It encompasses so much. So many other emotions wrapped up in a deep energetic feeling in the body. It really opens me up to so many questions. At first it makes me question everything. Did I love my dog enough, did he know how much I loved him, why didn’t I do more, why didn’t I know something was wrong before he showed any symptoms, did I take him to the wrong place, was there something more I could have done….I went on and on. Until I realized that by focusing on this, I was distracting myself from the grief. I was distracting myself from the pain. Grief reminds me that I am alive and that I am human. There is so much emotion coursing through me, there is no question whether or not I am alive. Grief makes love feel bigger than ever, yet scarier than ever at the same time.

We just keep storing away experiences that hurt us

When I went to a grief ritual retreat a few months back, it opened my eyes to see how much we, as humans, have to grieve. We barely allow ourselves the time and space to grieve. There can be layers upon layers of unexpressed grief within one person. Generations of unexpressed grief is passed on to the next generation again and again, until people finally start allowing themselves to feel it and then begin to heal. There are times during this grief process when I feel deep grief, and I am not even sure what it is. It is a feeling deep inside my body I can’t explain, but I know for sure it is grief coming to the surface to be released. So much sadness covered by layers of protective reactions. We just keep storing away experiences that hurt us, too afraid to feel the pain. These experiences continue to store themselves in our bodies, our cells. Until we allow ourselves the time and space to really deeply feel the pain. Then the energy can be released, and our bodies begin to heal. We feel lighter each time we allow ourselves to heal.

I feel loved, nurtured and supported by those in my “tribe”

Losing my dog has been so difficult. But the one blessing shining through is that I have incredible people in my life who love me. People who are there for me and who allow me to grieve exactly as I need to. This makes this painful experience more bearable. The supportive loving people in my life have allowed me to have the process I need to have, they accept me and my feelings. Having loving people reminds me of the wonderful feeling I had at the grief retreat. I feel loved, nurtured and supported by those in my “tribe”.

in our own processes, yet still sharing the experience

In the Dagara tribe in Africa, grief is shared by all. When someone is suffering, the tribe supports them and nurtures them while they grieve. They stop what they are doing and they are present with the grieving person. This is what I loved. We didn’t tell each other, “it will be okay, it will get better, etc”. Instead, I processed my grief while there was always someone right there with me, not saying anything, just being there for me. There was not one doubt that someone was always standing behind me and had my back. We all were grieving together, in our own processes, yet still sharing the experience. There was beautiful singing the entire time, drumming, candles, and just a complete feeling of safety. I truly wish everyone could experience this, and that this would become the norm for all cultures. Grief is a very essential part of our existence.  Being a part of this ritual was one of the most powerful experiences of my life.

 

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Posted in Connection, Grief and dying, Healing & personal growth, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 3 Comments »
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