Others need to see me in their own way for the benefit of their personal journey

Written by Amie on July 1, 2013 – 11:12 pm -

“You surrender to a lot of things which are not worthy of you. I wish you would surrender to your radiance… your integrity…your beautiful human grace.”~ Yogi Bhajanakes

 

depression is the suppression of the true self; trauma and repressed emotions included

I really love this quote. I have been thinking a lot about how much I surrendered my true self in the past. Mostly, to make those around me comfortable. I don’t beat myself up about this because I know that I did it unconsciously, I know I did it to cope with my life at the time. I know I buried my “radiance, my integrity, and my beautiful human grace”, so that I could get through my days without much conflict, and for the benefit of others. I understand now that people are going to do what they do because that’s what they need to do. It has nothing to do with me. I may just be the mirror they need in order to see what they need to see for their personal journey.  I have a clarity around this now. I know people see in me what they need to see for the benefit of their own journey. I know who I am and what I stand for, but this will not always be what others see. Before I grew stronger in myself, there was a time when I would be deeply hurt by what others thought of me, knowing they were so far off base.  I would internalize their words and I would believe there was something wrong with me, instead of questioning why they would say untrue words. In the past, I would act accordingly to their perspective. I became what they needed me to be, and they would be temporarily pacified. Meanwhile, my true self was dying a slow death. I felt the imbalance deep within me, but I blamed it on “depression”. “The reason I am feeling terrible is because I am so depressed.” I didn’t know to question why my true self was dying.  The definition of depression for me back then was, “There is something wrong with ME”. This was before I understood that depression is the suppression of the true self, which includes traumas and repressed emotions.

they want to see the me that will make *their* story true

I was surrendering to what others needed from me. I was surrendering to what I had to do in order to survive. I surrendered to what I needed to do so that I could cope. And then slowly, I began to awaken. I began to awaken to the truth. The truth that I was “depressed” because my beautiful self had been sacrificed for the sake of others. My beautiful truth had been buried. It is very clear to me now that a person who is living their life from their pain body (unconsciously) will NEVER see the real me. They want to see the me that will make *their* story true. They want to be able to blame others for their problems, blame  others for their circumstances, and blame others for disrupting their story. I feel so relieved now to really see this. It comes back to each of us being a mirror for others. People project their issues onto others when they don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to take responsibility for their own issues. I see now how much easier it is to be able to point the finger at someone else rather than have to make a change in my own life. So many people go through each day pointing the finger at all of “those people” who make their lives difficult. Anytime they are faced with some truth about their own life that makes them uncomfortable, they lash out at those “other people” who are doing it to them. It is easier to lash out than to look inside ourselves. I know this, I used to do this too. I realized that by blaming others for my emotions I was also handing them my power. When I was under the impression that others could “make me” feel a certain way, I was helpless. I gave them permission to control my feelings.

they need to see me in their own way, it truly has nothing to do with me

I’m writing this to say a few things. What others think of me is none of my business. It is theirs. I will not surrender to things that aren’t true. I know who I am and I stand in my truth no matter what words and stories are tossed around. I know my soul. I know I am a compassionate, loving, very caring, passionate and sensitive person. *This* is who I am. This is what I choose to surrender to, the truth. I will not surrender to someone else’s story. It doesn’t help them, and it harms me. I can’t control someone else’s journey. I would love to help them, but it is not always possible, especially when they have bought into their story completely. With all of this being said, I am still working on not allowing someone else’s story or their words to insult who I know myself to truly be. I understand where they are coming from, and I do have compassion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain around it. It is still painful for me when someone who once claimed they loved me to see me from their perspective, (which is that I am acting maliciously and disrespectfully). It is painful when their words are so far from the truth. I continue to remind myself that others need to see me in their own way for their own personal journey, it truly has nothing to do with me. People will find ways of feeding their own story until they make the choice to awaken to their own truth, and own their emotions, circumstances, and behavior. In the past I may have come to the conclusion that, “if I speak my truth, I get abandoned, it is wrong, I am wrong, I need to fix it so they aren’t angry with me, what can I do to make them comfortable, I should not speak up.” Wow, what a heavy energy that is! No wonder I was depressed! The heavy energy has lifted for the most part, which is pure grace. I am very grateful. I see myself as I am, and I truly love what I see. I wish this for you and for everyone.

 

….when you start feeling the truth of who you are and also expressing this, you are loving yourself. When you love yourself, you begin loving the world around you. When you love the world around you, you are open to the love that the Universe has been holding for you all along….

 

 

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Posted in Depression, Healing & personal growth, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 2 Comments »

Holiday anxiety or am I really insane?!

Written by Amie on November 25, 2009 – 1:43 am -

Happy, joyful and content

It still amazes me what a huge heart I have for other people who are suffering and for animals who are suffering. Everyone but myself. I am able to have compassion for myself at times, just not when I am feeling even slightly depressed. I cry for animals that look lost or are being treated badly. I have to leave a store if  a baby is crying and not being attended to. If I am feeling depressed and I am suffering through it, I forget about compassion. Once I feel better, I can see I was harsh on myself and I deserve compassion. When I am feeling happy, joyful and content, I am full of self-love. But, when I need it most, I have to be reminded again and again to cut myself a break and have compassion for myself.

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The internal war

I know it is like a test for myself. A depression hits for a few days, like right now around the holidays, and my self compassion goes out the window! It is aggravating, and I thought  by now I would catch on to the pattern! I say that in a loving way, not judgmental. Really, I do!  At least I am aware of beating myself up I suppose. Awareness is key. I am still working on the judgmental voice that creeps in at the slightest dark spot. It is there waiting in the shadows for me to give it a tiny opening. It is that internal war again. Me against my inner bitch again. Right when I think I kicked her out, she reappears, and she doesn’t knock. She sneaks in when I am down. I don’t usually see her coming, but I am very aware of her once she is here. I talk to her alot, and not in a nice way. I am as mean to her as I am to myself. Hence, the war.

Am I insane?

Sounds a bit crazy, but can you relate? This is when I nearly convince myself that I am insane! On the brink of falling off the edge. I keep telling the mean person to leave, she is not welcome anymore, and eventually she does. What a process this is! I try to quiet my mind, and she shouts even louder. It is getting easier to quiet her, but man, I just keep thinking she should be gone! Is this going to be an on-going thing for the rest of my life? Maybe….I guess I will just be with her each time she visits. I just have to practice my skills of not being a friendly host. I have to remind her who is in charge now. And meditate often!!!! The silence….well…..that’s where my peace of mind is.

Holiday anxiety

So I ask myself, why am I feeling depressed when the holidays are coming up? It feels chaotic and I start to feel out of sorts. By this I mean disconnected from myself. We don’t really even have a big huge production for the holidays, but I still feel a pressure, a chaos running amok inside myself. It is very difficult for me to stay connected to myself. This is a very strange process for me. I want my children to have wonderful memories of the holidays, but at the same time, I have this inner war going on inside me. I take time each day to meditate and rein myself back in, but I feel like I need to be meditating for about four hours a day, which I haven’t been able to do! My instinct is to want to run away and hide until it is all over, but again, not happening.  In the meantime, I will be as present as I possibly can, and hang signs all around me that remind me to be compassion to ME. I will keep saying mantras to myself until I feel better again. I will be shocked again at how I can go from being so mean to myself one day, and then full of forgiveness and self-love when the depression subsides. Ahhhh, the mysteries of being human. I remind myself that my job is to find ways to open my heart just a bit more each day. When I open my heart, I find joy, love, and tenderness for myself and for others.

State of Grace

 

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