Waking up is hard to do and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Written by Amie on March 31, 2015 – 2:23 am -

waking up to a new reality

It is not easy waking up to realize everything you have believed about your life is no longer true. Many people judge those who say that are awake or who are in the process of waking up, not really understanding what is meant by “being awake”. I know I was asleep to my truth until a few years ago. I started waking up to a new reality after my kids were born. I began working on my inner world. After my brother died 8 years ago, I woke up to an even deeper truth. One of the truths I soon realized is that we are each on a journey, and we are each waking up at different speeds. Some may not wake up in this lifetime. For one reason or another, this is not the time for their awakening. I understand this, but it still isn’t easy to live with sometimes.

Why are we not encouraged to research and question

When we wake up, we are forced to begin seeing things in a whole new way. I woke up to the fact that everything I learned (or was force-fed) about religion is not true. Nothing I was taught makes any sense to me. I always hated going to church but I didn’t know why. Now I know I hated going to church because my true self was saying this makes no sense! Shouldn’t this experience feel good? Why do I feel like a shameful guilty person each time I go? Why is this man standing in front of all of us “sinners” treated like he is better than those he preaches to? Why do we believe he has all of the answers? Why are we not encouraged to research and question and then decide what we feel best fits our truth? This is comical to me now! How easily we are led to believe nonsense. How easily we hand over our souls to someone deemed one of god’s chosen ones. How in the world can these people know the history of the world? Were they there from the beginning? Whose interpretation are we believing? Why are there so many versions? Why are many of the people who claim to live by the bible some of the most judgmental people I have ever met/seen in my life! Why are some of the messages I learned from being around “christian” people, “do as I say, not as I do. The rules I tell you to live by only apply to me if its convenient for me at that time. Just make sure you appear to be a “good” person, your actions don’t have to match what you say you believe.”

This is when I wonder about people

I could probably go on and on….but you get the idea. I am not here to bash religions. I am saying that for me, it doesn’t make sense to just believe someone else’s  ideas without researching and deciding what makes sense to me. I am quite tired of people using religion as a shield to cover up their anger and dysfunction, while trying to act kind and happy. I am quite tired of people using the excuse “we will pray for you”, rather than trying to take action, or actively work out a situation that feels too uncomfortable. If so-called religious people are non-judgmental and loving and accepting (you know, like they say jesus was), how in the world did a law just pass in Indiana that says businesses can now discriminate against gays, lesbians, and apparently anyone they describe as sinners and who these people believe will burn in hell for their sins? Those who are not worthy of their definition of, “god approved people”. This is when I wonder about people. How are you human? How is this okay? How can you justify this? It is difficult to not just give up on this crazy world.

I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs

This is another reason why waking up is not easy. I didn’t see these things as clearly as I do now. I could feel in my body that certain things did not feel good to me, but as usual, I assumed there was just something wrong with me. When you keep hearing ” you don’t believe THAT do you? over and over as a child, (and into adulthood!), it makes for serious confusion. Waking up means questioning everything about your life, not just religion. Once I started digging around through my thoughts and beliefs, I was shocked to see how brainwashed I was. I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs about my own life!  The ones I did have, I talked myself out of. I told myself I was a bad person for feeling that way. I couldn’t believe how my “go-to” was to think I was crazy and to think something was deeply wrong with me! It can sometimes be easier to numb out, or to self medicate in order to avoid feeling our truth. The reality can feel pretty harsh when a clear picture emerges. The difference between numbing out when you are awake versus numbing out when you are asleep is that when you numb out while awake, you are aware you are doing it. When you are asleep, you just numb out because that is just what you’ve always done.

If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth

I am here to say, “question everything you have been taught to believe, especially if you feel it in your body that something just doesn’t feel quite right”. Question everything, even if it goes against what your family, friends,community, and world believe! Question everything, even if it means letting go of things in your life that make you feel terrible. It is okay to let go of things that don’t feel healthy to you. Waking up means seeing and acknowledging the way things really are, the way things feel to *you*. Don’t let anyone guilt you or shame you into being a certain way. If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth. There is a very very good chance you are repressing your true self. There is a very very good chance you are angry with yourself or disappointed with yourself for not being able to just “be like others”. (This is a really good thing! But please be kind to yourself, and give your feelings a voice) Waking up is not easy. It sometimes feels very hard. It can at times feel isolating. But it is life changing, in really really good ways. It is learning to love yourself exactly  as you are. Once you love yourself, you will no longer be willing to go along with someone else’s ideas or beliefs unless they feel right *to you*.

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letting go; it is a process

Written by Amie on March 26, 2014 – 3:14 am -

bypassing old protective programming

It seems as though there are endless opportunities to practice letting go of the things that can’t be the way I want them to be. It is so interesting to me when I *know* something intellectually, but it isn’t quite resonating with me in my body emotionally. For example, in my life right now there are a few people who I really wish would *wake up*. I am not saying this in a judgmental way. Not at all. I’m saying that I wish they would have that “a-ha” moment when they realize how much they have hurt people they love, including me. The moment when their heart bypasses their old protective programming and their  human vulnerability comes  forward. I find myself wanting to tell them how hurtful their words and actions have been, but I know my feelings will be dismissed and I will be told I am angry and hateful. It is frustrating and very sad that we can’t have a conversation as people who, on some deep level, care about each other. On some deep level, beyond the defensiveness and the conditioned beliefs we have learned, lie two souls who just want to be loved and connected.

charge-hug

 I was closed up tight

It sounds so simple when I look at it from this point of view. I honestly believe it could be simple, but only if all parties are willing to put aside their armor, and just express their truth. Instead, I have to keep my boundaries, otherwise I continually get hurt. I understand exactly where they are coming from. I remember wearing my armor so tight that nothing could get in. I couldn’t admit to a mistake, I couldn’t admit I needed something, I couldn’t admit I was hurting. I was closed up tight. And this is why it is so difficult for me. I understand exactly where they are coming from, and at the same time, I crave an authentic connection with them that will never be unless they become conscious of their own wounds and begin to heal. It is contrast at every turn for me. I am not the same person they used to know. I am who I was born to be now. So I don’t relate in the same ways to people anymore. It is difficult to be around the old behaviors. It is difficult to be around the dysfunction, that in the past, had intensified my self hate.

focus on *how I feel* in a situation

I used to think something was terribly wrong with me because I felt one thing in my body, while at the same time, I was told a completely different truth. (It was a way to keep the facade going that everything was perfect and wonderful) I couldn’t figure out the inconsistent feelings for a very long time. I have since learned to focus on *how I feel* in a situation, not what someone else tells me is true. Trusting how I feel has been, and still is a difficult practice for me. Some days it clicks and I trust without a problem. Other times I question every single thing people say and do, and I doubt my gut feelings. I’m getting there, albeit slowly. It is a re-learning, it is a process. It is still tricky for me sometimes when someone sends me a note with words that, years ago I would have thought, “this is nice’. (While also feeling crappy inside, and assuming its just me,  something is wrong with *me* if I can’t see that this person is being nice) I received a birthday card the other day, that appeared to be a birthday card, but was really an attempt at guilting me. To some, it may have been considered “nice”. However, I am able to translate, or decode words from people now. I know the patterns.

 unresolved emotional wounds

I always come back to this: why do I want to spend time with people who can only see themselves as victims. By this I mean no matter what is said, they turn it around as though they are being attacked. They reach out in the same manner  that  worked on me in the past. Guilt and shame got me every time. I would feel so guilty that I would never question the behavior of these people, and I would go back every single time. I would go back to living the dysfunction I felt familiar with. Until I started waking up and realizing my true self was completely buried. And slowly, I had to distance myself. Then a year ago, I had to draw even deeper boundaries. Here we are over a year later, and they not willing to look within themselves to see how their actions have hurt. Hurt deeply. Had I not begun the process of waking up, I would be hurt over and over again. Because each time they ignore the needs of others, the hurt is compounded. Each time they twist the truth, they cause deeper hurt. Each time they use guilt to try to persuade, they cut deeper. This is the part I have a hard time letting go of. The fact that they refuse to truly accept how their behavior affects those they claim to love. I am no longer a victim to this behavior. Yes, it is difficult to understand, but I also know its not about me. They are acting and speaking from their unresolved emotional wounds.

I know for sure

It gets easier for me to let go when I am reminded of just how dysfunctional this situation is. At the very beginning of this situation, when someone very close to me was hurt, nobody came to her to see how she was doing. Instead, they ran to the side of the person who did the hurting. This is when I know for sure I am doing the right thing. This is when I know for sure I am breaking the cycle, at least for my own family. And still, it is difficult to let go of the hope that things will ever be healthy. It is a process…..

Great clip with Brene Brown about having the courage to be vulnerable.

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