Holiday anxiety or am I really insane?!

Written by Amie on November 25, 2009 – 1:43 am -

Happy, joyful and content

It still amazes me what a huge heart I have for other people who are suffering and for animals who are suffering. Everyone but myself. I am able to have compassion for myself at times, just not when I am feeling even slightly depressed. I cry for animals that look lost or are being treated badly. I have to leave a store if  a baby is crying and not being attended to. If I am feeling depressed and I am suffering through it, I forget about compassion. Once I feel better, I can see I was harsh on myself and I deserve compassion. When I am feeling happy, joyful and content, I am full of self-love. But, when I need it most, I have to be reminded again and again to cut myself a break and have compassion for myself.

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The internal war

I know it is like a test for myself. A depression hits for a few days, like right now around the holidays, and my self compassion goes out the window! It is aggravating, and I thought  by now I would catch on to the pattern! I say that in a loving way, not judgmental. Really, I do!  At least I am aware of beating myself up I suppose. Awareness is key. I am still working on the judgmental voice that creeps in at the slightest dark spot. It is there waiting in the shadows for me to give it a tiny opening. It is that internal war again. Me against my inner bitch again. Right when I think I kicked her out, she reappears, and she doesn’t knock. She sneaks in when I am down. I don’t usually see her coming, but I am very aware of her once she is here. I talk to her alot, and not in a nice way. I am as mean to her as I am to myself. Hence, the war.

Am I insane?

Sounds a bit crazy, but can you relate? This is when I nearly convince myself that I am insane! On the brink of falling off the edge. I keep telling the mean person to leave, she is not welcome anymore, and eventually she does. What a process this is! I try to quiet my mind, and she shouts even louder. It is getting easier to quiet her, but man, I just keep thinking she should be gone! Is this going to be an on-going thing for the rest of my life? Maybe….I guess I will just be with her each time she visits. I just have to practice my skills of not being a friendly host. I have to remind her who is in charge now. And meditate often!!!! The silence….well…..that’s where my peace of mind is.

Holiday anxiety

So I ask myself, why am I feeling depressed when the holidays are coming up? It feels chaotic and I start to feel out of sorts. By this I mean disconnected from myself. We don’t really even have a big huge production for the holidays, but I still feel a pressure, a chaos running amok inside myself. It is very difficult for me to stay connected to myself. This is a very strange process for me. I want my children to have wonderful memories of the holidays, but at the same time, I have this inner war going on inside me. I take time each day to meditate and rein myself back in, but I feel like I need to be meditating for about four hours a day, which I haven’t been able to do! My instinct is to want to run away and hide until it is all over, but again, not happening.  In the meantime, I will be as present as I possibly can, and hang signs all around me that remind me to be compassion to ME. I will keep saying mantras to myself until I feel better again. I will be shocked again at how I can go from being so mean to myself one day, and then full of forgiveness and self-love when the depression subsides. Ahhhh, the mysteries of being human. I remind myself that my job is to find ways to open my heart just a bit more each day. When I open my heart, I find joy, love, and tenderness for myself and for others.

State of Grace

 

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