at the heart of depression is a deep need to feel loved and to be nurtured.

Written by Amie on November 19, 2012 – 2:31 am -

at the core of the self hate

I have been doing a lot of thinking about depression lately. I am feeling extremely grateful for the peace I have been feeling for quite awhile. It is interesting how my perspective has changed lately. Maybe it isn’t that my perspective has changed, maybe it is that I have peeled away enough layers that I am hitting the deepest core of where my depression was truly coming from. I know that self hate seemed to be the “culprit” so to speak. However, at the core of the self hate is something even bigger. I am sort of “thinking out loud” here, trying to put my feelings into words. Right now I am feeling these things in my body, and trying to process them into words. So I understood that self hate was the end result of years of hiding my true self and acting as though all was well, all while feeling like I was going insane inside myself. So, I began peeling away the layers to discover where all of the negative thoughts I was having actually formulated. And my journey to “healing my depression” began. I hesitate to call it healing because I truly think recovering from depression is synonymous with discovering the true beauty of who you really are.

we all need to be loved and nurtured

Back to the “something even bigger” I mentioned above. For the last few months I have been feeling really disconnected from my inner voice, my intuition, my connection to source (choose your own label here). I wasn’t able to meditate, I felt anxious some of the time, I felt heavy energy around me for no obvious reason, and I really just felt “out of sorts”. I realized that I had really lost trust in the universe. I wasn’t trusting that all was well. I was feeling it was unsafe to meditate because I had lost trust that there was a safe connection to the Universe (Hopefully you will stay with me here as I try to explain) I was feeling very disappointed and sad. It took me a few months of continuing to sit, even though meditation wasn’t happening, to gain clarity. I still sat day after day with no expectations. In the last week or so it has been slowly revealed to me why I lost trust. I realized that deep in my inner being, I was disappointed in the universe. I was disappointed that people could be so heartless as to treat others with such unkindness. (even when I understand the reasons behind it) I felt the deepest sadness I have ever felt. I felt so sad for all children (children today, and the adults who, as children, didn’t get their needs met). I was feeling so sad that so many people are depressed today because they desperately need the nurturing they never received as children. I felt sad because we all need to be loved and nurtured, and the majority of people do not receive this, even as adults.

at the heart of depression

I am still having a hard time putting this into words. Maybe what I am saying is that at the heart of depression is a deep need to feel loved and to be nurtured. If you grow up without these things, you start to create thoughts and beliefs about yourself that become the negative voices in your head that develop into self hate. (Please let me say that I am not here to blame anyone for not nurturing their children enough. I believe every parent does the absolute best they are capable of. Most parents also did not receive the nurturing and love they needed in order to thrive, so the cycle can repeat itself until the cycle is broken,which (in my opinion) is how depression is “genetic”. I wrote about this here.  Okay, so, I have come to see that when I lost trust in the universe, I lost trust in life itself. When this happens, there is a feeling of hopelessness. I used to feel hopeless when I was deeply depressed, but this reached a different part of me. I wasn’t feeling depressed, I was just disappointed and sad. I wasn’t sure where to go with my feelings. So, I sat with them and I allowed myself to go through some anger (at the whole world!), which led me back to this deep sadness and disappointment. And, I felt the sadness….

it is definitely not all doom and gloom

I am honestly not sure yet where I am going with this. Maybe I am still processing it all. It is definitely not all doom and gloom.  I still *know* without a doubt that I am connected to the Universe, every single part of it. I am allowing myself to see that I can be sad, and I can still be connected and safe. In fact, the more I allow myself to feel these true emotions, the stronger I feel. Because, guess what? Each time I feel my truth and acknowledge it, more of the real me emerges. I am able to see that I am the incredible person I am today because I went through the things I went through. Yes, it is sad that we all weren’t nurtured and given the love and the feeling of safety that was needed in order to feel self love. But, I can assure you that no matter what your age, you can nurture yourself so that you can rediscover that beautiful being hiding inside you right now. That being is still there, just waiting for you to welcome her/him back. I know I will be continuing this in another post, as clarity reveals itself more and more. But please, from my words, please take this message of truth;  just because you didn’t receive the nurture and love you needed (and maybe you still aren’t receiving it now), does not mean you aren’t lovable. It does not mean you don’t deserve to be nurtured and loved. I know it feels like that at times, trust me, I know. I know for sure that you are pure love, you always have been, and you always will be. Please be gentle on yourself as you discover ways to nurture yourself and ways to receive nurture from others. It is a new way of being for most people, so please be easy on yourself. I love you!

 

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Depression is an accumulation of past traumas, experiences, and repressed emotions stuck in your body

Written by Amie on October 30, 2010 – 7:33 pm -

Processing the underlying stuck emotions

This might be a long post! Please keep reading, as I want to share an  experience I had because I think it might be really helpful to those who are suffering deeply with depression. Once again, it has been awhile since I’ve written. I need to go inward quite often, and I just haven’t been feeling the urge to write. But, now I am, so here I go! I am currently reading The Presence Process for the second time, and it is helping me open up to so much clarity. I have dealt with anger in the past, but nothing like the rage I have been processing lately. The book doesn’t really discuss rage specifically, but doing this process has brought up rage and grief for me. I feel grateful that I am ridding my body of emotions that have been trapped in there for years. I can see clearly now that in order to really “recover” from depression, I must process all of the underlying emotions that are stuck in my body. This does not mean that I have to “rehash” all of my childhood experiences or that I need to try to remember specific details of my whole life. It means that I must allow myself to feel. It means I must allow myself to accept that I am human and I have emotions. We all do. Unfortunately, we have been taught to ignore them, push them away, and basically act as though we are not human. To take away our emotional side means to take away our humanness.

My depression gets really bad seemingly “out of the blue”

Many people have said to me that they feel fine, and then “out of the blue” they feel extremely depressed again. They are confused as to why this happens. I used to wonder the same thing. I would have some good days, maybe a few weeks of feeling relief, and then boom! it would knock me to my knees again, and I would be in a very deep dark place. It has become clear to me that we have so many “unconscious” things going on in our bodies. I think our bodies get to a point where they just can’t stuff anymore repressed emotions inside. Our souls get to a point that they just aren’t willing to help us hide the truth of who we really are anymore. It is exhausting trying to stuff down, hold in, hold back, be quiet, suck it up, stop being so sensitive, stop being different, and basically just be someone we’re not. Years of acting makes for depressed, stressed out humans. Hiding ourselves is exhausting. Hiding the fact that we hate what we are doing, we don’t agree with so much of what is going on around us, and we are not who people think we are is exhausting! Having to defend who we are is exhausting! NEWS ALERT: NOBODY HAS TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

I am being triggered, and I need to FEEL

The Presence Process has taught me that anytime I am emotionally upset, it is because of a past situation (usually childhood) that needs to be felt and processed or “integrated”. In the past when I felt anger I would run from it. I would talk about my anger and I would write about it but I stopped short of processing it. I didn’t really allow myself to FEEL it. What did the anger feel like in my body? I have talked in the past about feeling the sensations in your body. I wrote about it, and I remembered to do that on occasion, but I can see now that I wasn’t going far enough with the feeling part. I skipped the most vital part. In order to really get through depression, or heal it, or whatever you choose to call it, it is imperative to “feel”. It is also imperative to accept the fact that you feel like shit. It has become clearer to me that I wasn’t really accepting that I was so depressed at times that I thought death might be better than staying here if it meant more suffering. Now I know that in order to lessen my suffering, I had to accept where I was (in a very deep dark place), accept that this is how I felt right then, FEEL the sensations in my body (tightening in my stomach, headache etc), and then just BE with this. Just feel. And Breathe! Don’t put stories with the feelings, don’t try to explain away what you are feeling, don’t judge, don’t do things to try to make it go away (eat too much,drink too much, drug yourself, shop, etc). Just let it be, and let it pass through you. I promise it will pass through if you just allow it some space. And, reminding myself that, “this too shall pass” , sometimes helps.

My son wants to go to a party

I want to share an experience with you because I think it might help you see what I mean when I say that an emotional upset today is because of a past situation that needs to be processed. We are constantly being triggered by people around us. This is the Universe’s (or Presence) way of trying to help us evolve and move beyond seeing ourselves as separate from everyone else. Presence activates triggers for our own benefit. So, back to my experience. My son was asking to go to a party at a girl’s house that I had never met. I had never met her parents either. My son had previously told me about the girl, and told me some things that made me think her Mom might not be the best influence for young teens. My son and I have always had a “partnership” type relationship. I am not the authority figure telling him what to do and what is good for him. We work together so that he can have autonomy and freedom to be who he is while having me as a support person who he can trust. I just wanted to say that in order to point out how out of the ordinary my behavior was in this particular situation. I told him that I didn’t want him to go to the party, and gave him reasons that looking back now, made no sense! I was reacting, not responding to him. I was being triggered by him in a way that was pushing me to either see the correlation and step away to have some time to process my feelings, or risk him losing trust in me. I have to say that as I was arguing with him (which is extremely rare), I heard myself saying (in my head), “this is not how I want to be with my son, leave the room.” It was as though I was outside of my body. I knew it didn’t feel like “me” talking, so this gave me a very big clue that I was being triggered, and past experiences were telling me to notice.

RAGE, GRIEF, ACCEPTANCE

I went to be by myself after this. I allowed myself to just sit and be with my emotions. When I feel this triggered (my body almost shaking with nerves, my stomach tight, my head pounding a bit), I move my body. I put my Ipod in my ears, and I dance or just stand and shake my body. This really helps move the emotions. After I moved for a bit, I sat and sobbed for a bit (also very helpful in cleansing the body of stuck emotions). I didn’t “try” to figure out what was going on. However, after about 30 minutes of moving and sobbing, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks! I was able to see that my beautiful son was mirroring something for me. He triggered feelings in me that I had forgotten long long ago. I had learned to just live with these repressed feelings because I learned that my emotions were not important, that I should just “live with it”, “it is what it is” kind of thing. The rage that came out of me was so powerful! It felt so good! It reminded me that I DO have power. The message I heard from deep within my body was that I fought and fought to feel loved as a child. I got the impression from the adults around me that I was not important or special, or worth loving. I tried to do things to get “seen” . As a young child, I was the good girl who was the peace maker, the one who tried to make things easier and better so that everyone would be happy. My son triggered that part of me that felt unwanted, and unloved. I went through intense rage, grief, acceptance, and then love for myself and the little girl that missed out on nurture and love. I can see now how very important it is to allow myself that rage because it has re-awakened my will to take back my power from all of the people who taught me that my feelings didn’t matter when I was a child. I am grateful that I see very clearly now that I am responsible for my emotions and my life. The past can’t be changed, but it can be processed and grieved and transformed into self-love and acceptance. YES, I am lovable and YES I have the power to change my life!

Don’t be afraid to feel rage; it allows you to take back your power!

This is getting pretty long, so I think I will wrap it up. There was a lot more to the “trigger”, but it is so difficult to write and explain in words. I am so grateful for my children and their beautiful nature that keeps them in the present. They are my teachers. They are so lovable that I am able to give them so much love that I even have some left over for myself. I am convinced that our children are here to teach us, not the other way around. I apologized to my son and even tried to explain what had happened. He knows that I am working on “my stuff”. He understands that when I have an outburst, it is not about him. It is about me, and those triggers that I can now see as a gift. So, don’t be afraid to rage (as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else), and to grieve for what you missed out on or for what you lost.  And, most importantly, don’t be afraid to take back your power. It is YOURS. You get to decide what is best for you. Others around you might not like your choices, but that’s OK. We are all different, even though we are all connected. 

A video giving a short overview of what the Presence Process by Michael Brown is:

And “Emotional Processing”


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