A nurturing presence filled with self-love

Written by Amie on November 6, 2009 – 2:02 am -

The inner bitch

During my meditation the other day, I suddenly started sobbing. It felt cleansing. I felt all sorts of emotions and I received many messages. All of the messages had to do with giving myself more slack, being easier on myself, nurturing myself with compassion. As I sat there sobbing, a message came to me loud and clear. It was this, “it really is way past time to be nice to yourself. Do not allow your inner voice to harm you anymore. Those voices have been in there way past their stay. They were never true to begin with, and you are still allowing them to beat you up. No longer allow them in. They have no purpose except to hurt you.”  Many weeks, and sometimes months go by without me allowing the negative voices in. Then I have a week or two of hearing them again. Well, after this meditation, I decided to be more aggressive at not allowing them in. I decided to call the negative inner voice, “that judgmental inner bitch”. That made me smile! I know I talk a lot about the negative stories in my head, but this felt like taking it even one step further. I gave her a name. If you are a guy reading this, you can think of a name that you would call someone who is a real jerk.

Less chatter

Since thinking of this name, I have been able to pick up on those subtle name calling sessions that go on in my head once in awhile. I say to myself, sorry inner bitch, you are not allowed in anymore”. It works. As soon as I think the words inner bitch or judgmental bitch, my thought stops. It is like I am holding my arm out stopping someone from getting any closer to me. I love it! If I catch a mean thought, I can say, oh, it is that inner bitch again, and I tell her to get out. I notice less chatter going on since calling the inner bitch on the carpet. We’ll see. Let me know if you try it, I would love to know how it works for others!

The act of nurturing

There was a second part to this meditation. After kicking out the “inner bitch”, another message came to me in the form of picture. It showed me a picture of a time when I felt really nurtured. It was right after my brother died. I was in my therapist’s office. My therapist lit a candle, and had me lay down on the couch. (how cliche’, I know!) She sang songs to me while I cried. She also held me while I cried. I wasn’t able to speak, so she was just there for me. It felt so good. So, from this picture in my mind came another idea that I felt I needed to act on. I decided that I will latch on to this nurturing thought to replace the “inner bitch” thoughts. Not only will I kick the “inner bitch” out, but I will invite in the “nurturing presence”. It  feels so good when I remember exactly how it felt when I was being nurtured. I want to say this also. If you are not able to think of a time when you felt nurtured, that is ok. You can picture exactly what you would want it to look and feel like when you are nurtured. We are all being nurtured by Universal Energy (you can call it whatever feels right to you), we just have to tap into it. I also want to say that my meditations are not always like this! I don’t want anyone to think that they “should be” like this, and then feel bad if they aren’t. All meditation is “right” and “good” because it is you taking time to be in the quiet, listening, and just being with it. Sometimes I get insight, and other times I don’t.

No more allowing hurtful voices

I guess this is just another layer of healing. It feels really good to be giving myself some more slack. I know in my heart that there is no reason to allow anyone, especially myself,  to say hurtful things to me. It is one of those things that is tricky to pick up on sometimes, especially if it has been a habit for a long period of time. If you have been suffering from depression for awhile, chances are good that there is self-hate talk going on. If we keep allowing this, depression can’t get better. We must become aware of what we are saying to ourselves. We all deserve compassion and kindness, period. We all must question that “inner bitch”, or that “inner jerk”. Why should they be allowed to beat on us? Kick them out! Allow a nurturing presence to be with you. No matter what it is that we are beating ourselves up about; body image, worrying about what we said to someone might have been weird or dumb, worrying about what someone thinks of you….the list goes on. No matter what it is, ALL mean things being said inside you are the “inner bitch or jerk”. You were not born with them, and they do not belong with you. We have the power to kick them out, we get to decide what stays in there.

We are all connected and have access to loving messages

We all have the same loving, compassion, empowering messages coursing through us. We all have access to them. It takes work sometimes to wade through the internal nonsense to get to a place a self-love. If the “station” so to speak has been tuned out for awhile, it may take some time to find the right frequency. But, I know for sure that it is there whenever I am ready to listen. But, first, I must kick out the mean, nasty, inner bitch. Sorry I am saying that word so much, but it feels empowering! It is fun to give her the boot! We are connected, which means we are all connected to this source of loving energy that flows through us. It feels good to know I am never alone, I always have a nurturing presence available to me, and I am capable of getting rid of the untruths told by the , you guessed it, “inner bitch”! I came to the conclusion that if I am able to latch on to the negative voices, and allow them to play over and over in my mind, then I am equally capable of latching on to the loving, nurturing ones. I know which one I am choosing. Get out inner bitch, there is no room for you here anymore!

 

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Healing depression, preconceived beliefs, and dog’s fears?

Written by Amie on October 15, 2009 – 1:15 am -

New trashcans!

I have a dog that is pretty fearful. We aren’t really sure why, or what happened to him as a puppy, but something made him become very fearful. He is afraid of new people, new surroundings, new trashcans, new everything. I had to add the trashcans, because honestly, he is afraid of new trashcans, or just old ones he has never seen before!  He has been quite a challenge in our family, but at heart, he is very sweet. So, anyway, we are trying to see life through his eyes. I was taking him for a walk yesterday, and while I was observing the trees, the grass, the blacktop, etc., I thought about how interesting it would be to look at my surroundings and my experiences all as they are brand new.

Story vs. Helpful Information

I took this a step further and decided that for the day, I would drop any preconceived stories, beliefs, or feelings I have about things that I experienced for the day. I think this post ties in with my last one about added commentary. I realized how I have a story for just about everything! I think it was in Eckhart Tolle’s book  A New Earth, that he talks about putting labels on everything. We call a tree a tree, a bird a bird, etc. I noticed that I even make up stories, or had preconceived beliefs about why someone is driving too fast, why a neighbor is cutting down a tree, what my reaction will be if a dog runs out of a house and scares my dog etc. I do realize that some of these stories are needed. It is helpful to know which houses the dogs are that will run down the driveway, as it is helpful to know other information from experience.

A continuous loop

However, I realized what a habit it is to tell ourselves stories. I know I have talked about this before, but since I did this little experiment, I thought it was worth sharing. I know that I have come a very long way in terms of having stories playing in a continuous loop in my head. I really thought they were almost non-existent! Ha! Many of them are alive and well! I will say that most of the negative commentary about myself is gone, but I do have many stories playing in my head. I see that many of the stories are about my needs. I do have a strong need to feel safe, which is tied to so many other things going on with me. I don’t like surprise, such as a dog running down a driveway out of nowhere that scares me to death! I like to know what to expect in most situations, I am one that needs to ease into change, I don’t transition quickly!

Guideposts

So, anyway, back to my experiment. Hopefully this isn’t jumping around too much! It was such a wake-up call to me to see how many stories I make up as I go along. Also, if I have experienced something just one time before, I have a story about it. I know this is how we figure out our world, like a baby does. We have to have some guideposts, so to speak. But, wow, it would be so nice to be able to erase some of these stories, and just start fresh whenever we want to. Which, come to find out, is possible!

Short term memory?

Here I am pondering again. I am thinking how my dog can go for a walk, come back, and if I offered him another walk 5 minutes later, he is ready to go as if he has never gone. I guess his short term memory is not so great? I don’t know. But then, something that happened to him as a puppy stays with him and creates a habit of reacting the same way to certain stimuli. Not that humans are like dogs, but I can see how patterns set early on, can be tricky to change. Tricky, but not impossible.

The Abyss

I never thought I would ever feel “recovered”, so to speak from depression, but I do. I still have some bad days, but I don’t fall into the deep abyss that sucked me up in the past. I look at my dog, and I realize that he deserves compassion. He gives me compassion and unconditional love, no questions asked. We all deserve this. We have been conditioned, just like my dog was, but we have the capacity to heal. Just like I am helping Owen (my dog) become more accustomed to new ways of looking at things, we can all do the same.  By becoming aware of the stories we create, we can change our beliefs and thoughts. I promise you, you can do it.  I did this “questioning of my stories” early on in my healing from depression journey. Each time I became aware of a negative story, I had to say the story out loud, and then I made the decision as to whether it was still true in my life. If I answered “yes”, it is still true, I made myself show proof. I would use Byron Katie’s process of “the work”. I would ask myself Is it true? If yes,”how do I know it is true”? I would challenge myself to prove it. Most of the time, I couldn’t. Therefore, even though I still “thought” the negative story about myself was true, I decided that it doesn’t fit who I want to be anymore. So, I made up a new story, and I repeated it many times a day for as long as I needed to. Yes, it took work, but it is worth it! We are all worth it!

Byron Katie’s “Unconditional love happens in a questioned mind”

Where did this story come from?

This post kind of feels like it is skipping around, but, well, I have said that many times, haven’t I? I just want you to know that just because we have been using the same stories about ourselves for many years, DOES NOT make them true! It was not simple to change my story, but once I realized that I didn’t know where most of my stories came from, it became easier to release them. I even went as far as writing them down, and then burning the piece of paper as a release of the stories. Did they creep back in? Sure, sometimes, but I became like a gatekeeper to my mind. As I mentioned above, I still have stories, but the difference now is that I am actually aware of them. They used to play on autopilot in my mind, and I never noticed. I just felt horrible most of the time. I couldn’t verbalize the messages and stories for quite awhile. It really does take vigilance and awareness.

Seeing through new eyes

My experiment was helpful because it allowed me to step back and just let my mind take a quiet rest. I allowed myself to look at things like they were fresh and new. I tried really hard to look at old situations with new eyes. People I “know” and have seen many times became new to me. It was really fun to just look at people, and try to just see past their “stories”, my stories, and whatever circumstances were present, and just be there with them. I didn’t let anyone know I was doing this. And, I made sure that I told the inner judge to take the day off. If it tried to chime in, I gently reminded it that it had the day off. Not resisting it, but gently acknowledging it, and then letting it go. It is a practice to be with my fearful dog without getting frustrated at every turn, but I am going to treat myself the same way I want to treat him. I want to be compassionate, non-judgmental, and very present.

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