Fighting against my inner knowing

Written by Amie on July 1, 2014 – 3:19 am -

What is alive in me today? 

I try to remember to ask myself this every day. Needless to say, this doesn’t always work out. And that’s okay, tomorrow is another opportunity. So when I asked myself this question today, what came to mind is a different perspective on why so many of us have suffered with depression. I will say this again, I strongly believe depression is a gift when we are willing to look inside ourselves to do the work involved with discovering our truth. And also, let me say this, depression did not feel like a gift to me for a very long time! It felt like death. I want to be clear about those thoughts because I want you to have hope that you can feel better. Finding your truth, speaking it and then embodying it is the best gift ever. I believe discovering the truth of who and what we really are is the reason we are in these physical bodies on this earth. Okay, I’m sort of going off on a tangent here as usual,lol. But these things are very important for me to keep saying to you. Keep digging, keep going back inside yourself to discover your truth. I promise you, you will be overwhelmed with love for yourself after you clear away the clutter that doesn’t belong to you. You were born pure love, and your job is to peel away the layers to come back to your truth.

 fighting against my heart and my external world

The different perspective is this. My depression was so deep because I was in a constant battle with trying to fight against my inner knowing. I had a *knowing* that information, experiences, situations, people in my life were not matching up to my truth inside. Hopefully this makes sense. Some things that come to mind are; unhealthy chemical filled food is the norm, children being treated disrespectfully and people accept it, prescription drugs being handed out like candy, women being abused, raped, etc., animals being abused, people spewing their emotional pain onto others. I know I am a sensitive person. I mean this in a very positive way, so if you have been called sensitive or “over sensitive”, this is a very positive trait. It means you are compassionate and full of so much empathy for others. It is just not a trait that is encouraged in our culture right now. (it is becoming more so, but that’s another subject too,lol) So what I mean by this is that I was constantly fighting against my heart and my external world. I *know* we are meant to love and be loved. So when I come across people who do or say mean things or treat each other badly, it hurts my heart. In a very deep way. At the beginning of my journey, however, I thought there was something wrong with me when I felt strong compassion and sometimes pain for others and for certain situations. I was taught that I was just too sensitive. I know differently now. I know it is not our purpose to be here on this earth to harm each other, to harm the earth, to hate ourselves, to hate others, to project our pain onto others. I know this deep within me. So it was (and still is) very difficult to be an empathic, sensitive caring soul in this world sometimes. And to feel we have to protect ourselves by sometimes pretending we are not this way, is a very very depressing thing to have to do. It is repressing our truth.

Discover your beautiful *real* truth

At the beginning of my journey, I did not see things this way. I thought something was wrong with me that I couldn’t handle “the real world” so to speak. Now I know this is *not* the *real* world. This is a dysfunctional way of living that has sadly become the norm. But the wonderful news is that the more you do your work of discovering your truth, the more love comes into the world! Each of us that is doing our own healing work is contributing to the health of our world! Each of us has a job, and that is to do our work. Heal our wounds. Discover your beautiful *real* truth. I promise you, you are pure love. The more you feel your wounds and process your pain, the more your truth can be felt. The easier you are on yourself, the more you love yourself, the less you have to fight against the crazy external world. Be in *your* world. Fight *FOR* your truth. Begin looking at your life and asking yourself two things, “what is alive in me”, and “what truth am I pushing away so that I can hide my true self?”  It is scary to start reveal your true self. But it is empowering and it will make you begin to feel alive again. Turn off anything you can that does not feed you. Find things that nurture you. Be gentle on yourself. Discover what feels good to you. Begin saying no to the things that suck your truth our of you. Become aware of what you are fighting against. Talk to yourself. When you feel a strong aversion to something and it hurts your heart, pay attention to that. There is nothing wrong with you, there is everything wrong with dysfunction. Begin taking care of your true self. That sweet beautiful soul you are.

Start with self-care

Start with small steps, and tell yourself you are doing great, and that your love is radiating the world. Start with self-care. Doing things for others will happen later once you have built up your own reservoir of self-love. I understand we all have daily obligations that may involve caring for others. But I am encouraging you to find ways to nurture YOU, to care for YOU. Make a list of things that feel nurturing. Start each day by telling yourself, “I am pure love”. Find a short mantra to recite to yourself to help train your mind to go to loving thoughts rather than self-hate. My mind was trained to go to thoughts that berated me, thoughts that I had picked up from experiences in my life that told me I deserved to be treated this way. My job was/is to question these thoughts, and to discover the sometimes subtle ways they came into my life. This is the healing work that needs to be done in order to see the gift of depression. We must feel our truth, process our truth, speak our truth and embody our truth, all while learning to treat ourselves with unconditional love and kindness. The way we were meant to live. All of our experiences are learning experiences. They are most definitely not always simple. Healing depression is absolutely possible. Healing depression means finding your truth. It means processing your life experiences, and discovering the lessons in them. And the most important thing of all is learning to love your beautiful true self. When you are able to see the contrast between what your soul knows, what your true self is all about, the fighting against anything will stop. Yes, those things will probably still be around, but you will no longer feel the need to hide yourself away, you will no longer need to fight.

How can you show yourself love today? What truth can you say today? What is one small thing in your life that you strongly dislike? What makes you feel alive, even if it is just something you think about? Keep thinking about it. What is a small mantra you can begin saying to yourself that feels comforting and loving? What music can you listen to right now that makes you feel connected to your inner truth? What is your soul saying to you? Sit quietly alone and listen. Write down some messages that you would like to have playing in your mind. Begin saying them to yourself each day. “I am perfect health”, “I am love”, “I am a loving soul”. These are some I use. Let me know what you think and what feels good to you. You are deeply loved. Trust me on this one.

trust-quotes

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Becoming aware of the truth of your inner voice

Written by Amie on September 2, 2013 – 4:48 pm -

“I made it to adulthood and I am fine”

I was meditating this morning and a very strong insight came to me about how we learn the message very early on to dim our light. We are all born shining radiantly and feeling very connected to divine energy (or whatever label you choose to give it). As a baby grows and gets older, she is given many messages that in a subtle way (but not always subtle) tell her she is shining too bright and she needs to tone down her brightness. (This is not always true, so I don’t want to sound as though I think this is true for every single person. There are some conscious adults who treat children respectfully) Based on my experience and my experiences with others, I feel so much truth in this. I want to start out by saying it is nobody’s fault that this happens. This is the way our society has been programmed and conditioned for quite some time now. Until each person is willing to take responsibility for their experience and heal their inner world, it continues to be passed from one generation to the next. It is not uncommon for people to say, “this way worked for me, I made it to adulthood and I am fine, I turned out okay, you have it better than I did, so something must be working”. This may be true to some degree, but my question is, “what is your baseline?” What criteria does one use for measuring and defining, “turned out okay”?

the agenda, or curriculum, is to make sure we *don’t* feel how powerful we really are!

Before I go off on that tangent, I want to stay with my meditation experience and the insight I gained. On some very deep level, I received the message that we, as humans ,were taught beginning many generations ago, that our power is scary. We were taught to hide the power that is in every single one of us. It seems we were taught to look away from our divine connection, to dim the light so as not to shine too brightly around other people. It seems the agenda or curriculum is to make sure we *don’t* feel how powerful we really are! I imagine how shiny and happy and full of light a new baby is. And for awhile this may continue. It seems to continue until the child starts pushing buttons (subconsciously)  that emotionally trigger the adults, parents, etc. This creates anger and/or fear in the adult. Rather than acknowledging this, the adult may “blame” the child for being “bad”, or wanting to “make things difficult for me”, or “he is just ornery”, or “she is too sensitive or too dramatic”, or he is “strong willed”. (and the list goes on! All ways of dimming the child’s light in hopes that the child will stop calling attention to the adult’s wounds). Not to mention in many cases, the child may be punished, creating more damage to the already dimmed light. All punishment (physical, mental, emotional, verbal) hurts the child, and dims their light.  

not experts at all

The beginning of the dimming is the moment a parent or caregiver decides to go against their own inner knowing and cling to the unhealthy messages they themselves were conditioned with. It is not unusual to hear a parent say something like, “I really wanted to hold my baby all day but the doctor said this is bad,” or “my parents said that would spoil the baby.” So, instead of listening to that inner knowing (that radiant inner voice we were all born with) some may go along with what “the expert” says, or with what the society has deemed “normal” and “healthy”, because this is how many people have been conditioned. Listen to everyone else around you and doubt or ignore your inner voice. One thing I try to remember is that most “experts” who claim to be experts may not really be experts at all.  They may be other wounded human beings who have not yet dealt with their own inner issues. This is another reason to listen to your own inner voice. Listen to what feels true to you. We can listen to other people, but the bottom line is that we need to gauge their information against our own inner voice to see what is best for us.

respond in the present time, rather than reacting from our own emotional wounding

This is one way the conditioned behavior of dimming one’s light is passed on to the next generation. The baby or child is crying (not always literally) for what they need, and the caregiver reacts to them from their own wounded self, rather than the inner light of knowing; the light they were taught to ignore. Emotionally wounded adults have to work very hard to be able to respond to others’ needs in a conscious way. It takes someone who is willing to be a work in progress to be able to respond in a healthy way. In order to meet the needs of a child or anyone really, we have to be willing to see them, hear them, and respond in the present time, rather than reacting from our own emotional wounding. As adults, the “crying” continues in ways that are unacceptable or in our world. The “crying out for help” is looked upon as weakness by other emotionally wounded adults. The “crying” is the adult who is always angry, who explodes in rage, who takes to drinking, eating, or shopping (many other outlets as well) excessively, or who submits to others in hopes of getting what they need. The adult who is crying to get their needs met by something other than the inner voice they no longer feel intimate with because they were taught to ignore it!

We have been so deeply conditioned

This happens generation after generation until people learn to trust their inner guidance and to trust that their own inner light is safe to follow. We have been so deeply conditioned. I do believe people are feeling this misalignment, but many aren’t sure how to change it. The pattern runs deep. Think about it, you were taught that your beautiful radiant self is too much for other people to handle, so you need to turn a part of yourself off. The moment you accept this message, you begin to lose who you really are. And the more you accept this message, the more you ignore your inner voice, and the more you change who you are to try to fit others’ definition of who you should be. Ignoring the inner voice that is the same voice of the divine energy in which you were created! Your lifeline! Your life force! We have been so conditioned to believe that others know better than we do about ourselves! We are being conditioned by other people who have also been wounded and are coming from a false sense of self! (assuming they haven’t done their own healing work) In this way, dysfunction is passed on from generation to generation until these false beliefs are questioned and healed. The theme seems to be, “this is the way we’ve always done it.” We accept this because our inner light is so dim (or sometimes almost extinguished), that we are unable to hear it. This light will never burn out, even when your physical body dies. But it can become very very dim. Your light will continue to send you messages no matter how dim it becomes. It will continue trying to get your attention, trying to wake you up from the conditioned belief that it is right to go against your inner light.  You may be unable to hear these little zaps of truth.

UNTIL YOU QUESTION EVERYTHING

This is the cause of depression. We dim our light so that others will be more comfortable and to keep our truth at bay. Keeping your truth at bay is hard work, and also taking responsibility for your truth is hard work. Self-hate becomes the standard because how can you love yourself if you are going against who you really are? How can you love yourself if you also feel you are failing what you have been taught is “normal”. We keep telling ourselves we shouldn’t be depressed, we shouldn’t be angry, we shouldn’t be disappointed, we shouldn’t be longing for something more, we should be independent, we shouldn’t crave connection. Even when we say we crave connection, do we act on it? Many people are afraid. I was one of those people, and still am at times for sure. They are afraid they will seem needy or clingy or others will think of them as weak. So our basic human nature of being vulnerable is masked at all costs. It is so common in our culture to apologize if we cry or become upset. As if we are bothering others by being human! Think about all of the conditioned behaviors in our culture. Most of them perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction. Think about the messages that are sent to the victims in our world. So many receive the message that it is their fault what happens to them and that they need to forgive and get over it. Is it surprising that so many people are depressed and unhappy and unfulfilled?We have been conditioned to believe that being human equals being an emotionless robot! Starting from a young age we hear, “you are fine, stop crying”, or “you just have to deal with it, it’s the way it is”, etc. etc. etc. This indoctrination continues on UNTIL YOU QUESTION EVERYTHING!!!!!!

be curious as to why it is “normal” to go against what you *know* 

Humans are naturally curious! Ask yourself questions, be curious as to why it is “normal” to go against what you *know* in your body. Ask yourself, “when did I start believing that someone else knows me better than I know myself or my child?” Ask yourself, “why is it normal for children to be taught to keep their opinions, thoughts, and feelings to themselves when it comes to emotional situations especially?” Why does it scare adults or make them uncomfortable when a child points out a truth about an adult? Why are children not being taught that there is a divine connection they are tethered to 24/7 that uses their inner voice to help them have a spectacular life!? (I am not talking about religious indoctrination). When did you agree to go along with the expert advice to stop listening to yourself and to stop listening to the children in your life? Why is it okay to treat those younger than you with disrespect? Why has it become okay to look at children as though they are a liability in our lives rather than the incredible teaching beings they truly are? Ask yourself, “when did I stop trusting my inner guidance? And when will I make the choice to want to feel better?”

Depression is repression of yourself, all experiences that were traumatic, including the traumatic experience of accepting the message that your true self should be turned off. (Please know I am in no way making abusive situations into a minor detail in depression, not at all) Depression means ignoring that inner voice that is telling you something is off, something is very off.

This has gotten really long, so I think I will continue later with ways to get your inner light shining bright again so that it radiates so strongly it can’t be missed. Big big love to all. Remember you are loved every second of your life no matter what. The big love is in that inner light right inside you, right now.  

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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Kids/teenagers and depression, Mindful/respectful parenting, Self hate | No Comments »
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