The importance of doing your inner work

Written by Amie on June 23, 2015 – 12:21 pm -

Today I will show myself love, I will nurture myself

I feel so good today! Yesterday I went back and forth with someone I have been estranged from for over two years. Each time I responded, I asked myself why I was engaging with her toxic words. I had to really process why I was allowing myself to get sucked into her nonsense. Today I figured it out, and I feel a weight has lifted from me. I am ready to move on again, another layer of old emotional baggage released. It makes me want to celebrate! I am not celebrating the loss of this person in my life, because I do wish we could have a healthy relationship. It just isn’t possible right now. Instead, I’m celebrating the release of old emotional energy that was stuck in my body. Actually, I will be doing my own little ceremony later today with a ritual of releasing. Rituals are so helpful for me. Today I will show myself love, I will nurture myself. I will be there for me.

I can’t stop their suffering, only they can

So, what did I learn from this unhealthy exchange? Many things. First, I learned that, I have truly absorbed the message that it is okay, in fact it is my right, to be happy, EVEN IF other people are not happy, even if they are miserable. I have a right to happiness. I do not owe anybody a piece of my life by trying to help them be happy. If someone close to me is unhappy, it is NOT my responsibility to try to fix them. Yesterdays exchange really solidified to me, that I am free from this burden! I feel it in my body, which tells me that place in me that used to take responsibility for others’ happiness is no longer there! WOOHOO!!!Every person is responsible for their own life. I can support them in their journey, but I can’t stop their suffering. Only they can.

They would rather blame, shame, accuse, bully,and give their toxic garbage to others

The second thing I learned is that there are so many people who refuse to take responsibility for their own behaviors, actions, beliefs,thoughts, and really own their life. They would rather blame, shame, accuse, bully,and give their toxic garbage to others. They will do everything in their power to avoid feeling their own truth.They might even hide behind their misplaced belief that if they just stay “positive”, or if they only focus on helping others, then this will make it so they don’t have to do their own inner work of looking at the sadness, the disappointment, the anger that lies underneath. They may even believe that if they were to look at their true feelings,then others might accuse them of focusing on the past. This isn’t true. In order to be free and happy and authentically emotional, we can’t skip the step of healing the wounds that linger within us. Some have more than others, some less. We are who we are because of our life experiences. I understand why many people avoid feeling their truth, they avoid going deeper within themselves.It can be a scary process. But in order to be free emotionally, which affects all aspects of who we are, we must look inside ourselves, and feel what is there.It is helpful to have a therapist if you have deep or traumatic wounds. Plus, it is helpful to have someone to process feelings with.

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Some people feel threatened when they see another person getting healthy

I learned that some people are afraid of therapy, or they have a warped idea of what therapy really is. Mainly I learned that therapy is threatening for some people. It is scary for them to consider getting in touch with their true inner feelings. It is too scary for them to imagine sharing their inner feelings with someone, so instead they condemn people who choose therapy. They even go as far as trying to bully a person to convince them therapy is bad, the therapist only wants your money, the therapist doesn’t care about you, etc.(a side note is that I feel it is extremely important to interview therapists and find one that has done their own emotional work. Therapists and counselors can truly only help a person if they too, have done their own work) It is quite obvious to see the real feelings beneath this dysfunctional behavior. Some people feel threatened when they see another person getting healthy. They may feel threatened by the person going to therapy because when a person or people in a group start getting healthy, all other group members feel the change, and they don’t like it. The dysfunctional way that has always worked is shifting, so when some members are not willing to grow, they don’t want others to grow either. It felt really good to be able to separate my truth from theirs. Reading their hate filled words made it so obvious to me that they are truly suffering, and I am not responsible for their suffering!

It is not my job to try to convince someone to help themselves

This is the most important thing I learned; that it is not my job to try to convince someone to help themselves. If they ask for my help, of course I would support them and help them. This isn’t what I’m talking about. Over the last few years, I have been learning how to separate myself from others feelings. I am a person who is able to feel others’ emotions, and before I knew this about myself, I would take on their emotions as if they were mine. Now that I know this about myself, I do things to protect myself from others’ emotions. In the past I would always see the pain and suffering underneath toxic behavior, and then I would excuse this behavior by telling myself, “but they are a good person underneath.” This may be a true statement, most people are good people underneath their unhealthy behaviors. HOWEVER, this does not ever excuse people who treat others badly. EVER. So, what finally sunk in after all of these toxic exchanges yesterday, is that it is not my job to help this person see the goodness in herself, (she doesn’t want help seeing that). It is not my job to show her the underlying pain she is avoiding feeling when she is spewing mean and hateful words at me. It is not my job to overlook her behavior by saying, “but shes a good person.” It is her job. It is her responsibility. It is her life. She has to do the work in order to heal the pain inside herself. I am free.

It also gives them a ticket to be a jerk

I will not excuse bad behavior on the premise that I feel sorry for her because she is in a lot of emotional pain. I felt sorry for her a small bit up until last night. And then the weight lifted. I no longer feel sorry for her because by feeling sorry for her, this gives away some of my own inner power. It also gives her a ticket to be a jerk. If I feel sorry for a person, it means I am not holding them accountable for their unhealthy behavior towards me, which in turn usually means I excuse the bad behavior, thus keeping the dysfunctional cycle going. I see now without a doubt that each of us has to do our own inner processing, and that deep wounds do not give us a free ticket to be mean and nasty to other people. If we want healthy relationships, we do the work to heal our wounds, without injuring others in the process. We may injure others because we are not perfect, but when this happens we acknowledge it and we take full responsibility. Take responsibility for your life, for your behavior, for your words. Be vulnerable. FEEL.

SO, please remember, your job is YOU. You take care of your emotional health, and don’t allow others to spew their emotional pain onto you in the form of telling you all of the things they think are wrong with you. (oftentimes the words they spew at you are actually the true words of how they feel about themselves) In order to heal our wounds, we have to take care of ourselves, protect ourselves from toxic behavior. You have a right to protect yourself from unhealthy people, even if they are blood related. It is your life, you get to choose how to live it. Nobody else. YOU.

 

 

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Posted in Healing & personal growth, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 2 Comments »

Fighting against my inner knowing

Written by Amie on July 1, 2014 – 3:19 am -

What is alive in me today? 

I try to remember to ask myself this every day. Needless to say, this doesn’t always work out. And that’s okay, tomorrow is another opportunity. So when I asked myself this question today, what came to mind is a different perspective on why so many of us have suffered with depression. I will say this again, I strongly believe depression is a gift when we are willing to look inside ourselves to do the work involved with discovering our truth. And also, let me say this, depression did not feel like a gift to me for a very long time! It felt like death. I want to be clear about those thoughts because I want you to have hope that you can feel better. Finding your truth, speaking it and then embodying it is the best gift ever. I believe discovering the truth of who and what we really are is the reason we are in these physical bodies on this earth. Okay, I’m sort of going off on a tangent here as usual,lol. But these things are very important for me to keep saying to you. Keep digging, keep going back inside yourself to discover your truth. I promise you, you will be overwhelmed with love for yourself after you clear away the clutter that doesn’t belong to you. You were born pure love, and your job is to peel away the layers to come back to your truth.

 fighting against my heart and my external world

The different perspective is this. My depression was so deep because I was in a constant battle with trying to fight against my inner knowing. I had a *knowing* that information, experiences, situations, people in my life were not matching up to my truth inside. Hopefully this makes sense. Some things that come to mind are; unhealthy chemical filled food is the norm, children being treated disrespectfully and people accept it, prescription drugs being handed out like candy, women being abused, raped, etc., animals being abused, people spewing their emotional pain onto others. I know I am a sensitive person. I mean this in a very positive way, so if you have been called sensitive or “over sensitive”, this is a very positive trait. It means you are compassionate and full of so much empathy for others. It is just not a trait that is encouraged in our culture right now. (it is becoming more so, but that’s another subject too,lol) So what I mean by this is that I was constantly fighting against my heart and my external world. I *know* we are meant to love and be loved. So when I come across people who do or say mean things or treat each other badly, it hurts my heart. In a very deep way. At the beginning of my journey, however, I thought there was something wrong with me when I felt strong compassion and sometimes pain for others and for certain situations. I was taught that I was just too sensitive. I know differently now. I know it is not our purpose to be here on this earth to harm each other, to harm the earth, to hate ourselves, to hate others, to project our pain onto others. I know this deep within me. So it was (and still is) very difficult to be an empathic, sensitive caring soul in this world sometimes. And to feel we have to protect ourselves by sometimes pretending we are not this way, is a very very depressing thing to have to do. It is repressing our truth.

Discover your beautiful *real* truth

At the beginning of my journey, I did not see things this way. I thought something was wrong with me that I couldn’t handle “the real world” so to speak. Now I know this is *not* the *real* world. This is a dysfunctional way of living that has sadly become the norm. But the wonderful news is that the more you do your work of discovering your truth, the more love comes into the world! Each of us that is doing our own healing work is contributing to the health of our world! Each of us has a job, and that is to do our work. Heal our wounds. Discover your beautiful *real* truth. I promise you, you are pure love. The more you feel your wounds and process your pain, the more your truth can be felt. The easier you are on yourself, the more you love yourself, the less you have to fight against the crazy external world. Be in *your* world. Fight *FOR* your truth. Begin looking at your life and asking yourself two things, “what is alive in me”, and “what truth am I pushing away so that I can hide my true self?”  It is scary to start reveal your true self. But it is empowering and it will make you begin to feel alive again. Turn off anything you can that does not feed you. Find things that nurture you. Be gentle on yourself. Discover what feels good to you. Begin saying no to the things that suck your truth our of you. Become aware of what you are fighting against. Talk to yourself. When you feel a strong aversion to something and it hurts your heart, pay attention to that. There is nothing wrong with you, there is everything wrong with dysfunction. Begin taking care of your true self. That sweet beautiful soul you are.

Start with self-care

Start with small steps, and tell yourself you are doing great, and that your love is radiating the world. Start with self-care. Doing things for others will happen later once you have built up your own reservoir of self-love. I understand we all have daily obligations that may involve caring for others. But I am encouraging you to find ways to nurture YOU, to care for YOU. Make a list of things that feel nurturing. Start each day by telling yourself, “I am pure love”. Find a short mantra to recite to yourself to help train your mind to go to loving thoughts rather than self-hate. My mind was trained to go to thoughts that berated me, thoughts that I had picked up from experiences in my life that told me I deserved to be treated this way. My job was/is to question these thoughts, and to discover the sometimes subtle ways they came into my life. This is the healing work that needs to be done in order to see the gift of depression. We must feel our truth, process our truth, speak our truth and embody our truth, all while learning to treat ourselves with unconditional love and kindness. The way we were meant to live. All of our experiences are learning experiences. They are most definitely not always simple. Healing depression is absolutely possible. Healing depression means finding your truth. It means processing your life experiences, and discovering the lessons in them. And the most important thing of all is learning to love your beautiful true self. When you are able to see the contrast between what your soul knows, what your true self is all about, the fighting against anything will stop. Yes, those things will probably still be around, but you will no longer feel the need to hide yourself away, you will no longer need to fight.

How can you show yourself love today? What truth can you say today? What is one small thing in your life that you strongly dislike? What makes you feel alive, even if it is just something you think about? Keep thinking about it. What is a small mantra you can begin saying to yourself that feels comforting and loving? What music can you listen to right now that makes you feel connected to your inner truth? What is your soul saying to you? Sit quietly alone and listen. Write down some messages that you would like to have playing in your mind. Begin saying them to yourself each day. “I am perfect health”, “I am love”, “I am a loving soul”. These are some I use. Let me know what you think and what feels good to you. You are deeply loved. Trust me on this one.

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »
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