Suppressing inner beauty and truth

Written by Amie on December 27, 2011 – 2:23 am -

holding in those sensitive, heartfelt feelings I feel

I had another a-ha moment the other day. I have had the same one before, but this felt like it reached a much deeper level of a-ha. (haha) I was getting ready to send a note back to someone who sent me an e-mail. I wanted my note to reflect the sincere heartfelt feelings I felt at that moment. Instead, I found myself questioning whether or not to send my note back exactly as I wanted it. For about 30 seconds my mind told me not to send my note as I had written because the other person might think I am being insincere (because it might sound “too nice”), or they may think I am weird for saying the words I wanted to say, or they may think I am wanting something in return from them. Wow, where did all of this come from, I asked myself. I went ahead and sent the note exactly as it came to me. Then, I pondered the messages I heard in my mind. It took about a minute to realize they were a part of my conditioning. I learned to protect my inner truth by holding in those sensitive, heartfelt feelings I feel when someone or something brings joy to my life. I had learned to cover up my heartfelt emotions when I witness something beautiful, witness someone expressing kindness to another person, hear a beautiful story, see a beautiful piece of art, hear a beautiful piece of music, or feel a deep connection with another person.

how deeply I feel things

I felt very sad about this realization. This a-ha moment felt like it hit a deeper level than when I discovered it a few years ago. A few years ago I came into the truth of seeing how deeply I feel things. Up until that point I believed the conditioned message that I was “too sensitive”, and that there was something weird about me for caring deeply for others (all living beings). I learned to shut down my inner truth so I would appear to be “like everyone else!” Sad. The other day I got to the deeper understanding of why I really needed to shut this side of me down. I was able to step back to see this as another way of protecting myself. I learned that when I show my true self-the one who is sensitive and compassionate and awake to others, most people could not meet me at that place in my heart. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, and sometimes seeing someone else’s truth can make a person feel too vulnerable. I understand this reaction. So, why would I want to continue giving away my sacred inner truth to people who aren’t capable of really “seeing” me? In order to protect this part of me, I had to learn to shut it off.

I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me 

I feel so much gratitude for the awareness I have at this point in my life. I feel so grateful for the change in my thinking that allows me to “see” those comments I was telling myself about worrying what someone will think of me. The truth is, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me anymore. It is not my problem if someone thinks I am being “too nice”, or “too sensitive”. Those reactions are not really about *me*, they are the other person’s issue to deal with. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, and some people are not able to meet others in a place of open-heartedness (is that even a word?! It is now!). It can feel very scary for some people. I understand that, and I respect that. However, it will not stop me from being who I am and who I need to be. If I feel like telling someone I love them or that I appreciate them, I will do that. It is up to them how they respond to me. And, it is up to me how *I* respond to their response. Hope that makes sense!

Gaining self-love by showing inner beauty to those I trust

Over the past couple of years, I have started really trusting certain people with my inner beauty. I have learned to show my inner self to the outer world. I am careful who I show myself to however. When I meet people, I do so with an open heart and with love, but if I don’t feel safe around them, I will not show them the fullness of my heart. So, although I am very open to people, I also conserve my energy for only those I trust and feel safe being vulnerable with. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I also go by the very true quote by Maya Angleou that says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” So, it is possible to live with an open heart, but to protect yourself at the same time. I will not be open with someone who doesn’t care to see me as I am. It is that simple. I will give with all of my heart to those who are willing to be vulnerable and are willing to honor my inner beauty and truth. If there are people in your life who are not able to see you and accept you exactly as you are, it may be time to question whether or not they are deserving enough to be in your life.

 

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Overflowing with love-showing my authenticity!!!!!

Written by Amie on October 30, 2011 – 1:11 am -

 I had been dimming my shiny self

I ended up going to the Suicide Prevention walk last weekend. The morning of the walk was really difficult. Once we started walking, I was much better. I’m still not sure if I am glad I participated, but I am happy that I spent time with my whole family. I was meditating the day after we returned home and it hit me! I had one of those “a-ha” moments that resonated deep inside me. Throughout my journey of healing from depression, I have come to realize that I have been conditioned to “dim my light”. By this, I mean I hide part of my authentic self. I have done so much healing around this, and I am much much better at being who I really am. This weekend it became so clear to me just how much I have been dimming my shiny self. I am in a place right now where I am able to really take a step back to observe my interactions with others. I think this is why it was so obvious to me how I have learned to “turn down” my overflow of love.

 I *knew* on an intellectual level that I must have been doing this most of my life

I truly felt so much love for each member of my family, and for every person I came into contact with during the weekend. I caught myself falling into my conditioned habit of turning down my joy and happiness in order to match that of the other person. It became so clear to me how I learned to dim my inner light so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. I learned to shut off the happy joyful side of myself because those around me might not be feeling so happy. This was such a huge realization for me. I *knew* on an intellectual level that I must have been doing this most of my life, but I had never *seen* it with such clarity. I can see how this all goes hand in hand with depression. I have written so much on here about depression hanging around until a person decides to be honest with themselves and others, and to be authentic and show their truth. I was still sort of shocked, but in a really relieved kind of way, to see this in action, so to speak. For example, someone would come up to me to talk, and I would gauge their mood, and then act accordingly. If I felt as though I was feeling happier than they did, I would tone down my own happiness. Wow, I can’t believe I was doing this for so many years! No wonder I was so depressed!

How could it ever be a bad thing to show how happy I am?

It is clear to me now that I learned to feel guilty if I felt happy and joyful. Just typing those words feels so sad and makes me angry as well! How could it ever be a bad thing to show how happy I am? It all comes back to receiving the message that in order to be loved, I need to change who I am. If I want to feel accepted, I need to change in order to be acceptable in the eyes of others. Well, let me just say, this is no longer a reality in my life. I feel so happy and full of joy right now. The contrast is unbelievable! How low I felt a few years ago compared to now. I never thought I would feel this good! I know there will be more “layers” of processing that will show up, so I am enjoying this! There will always be emotions and experiences to process, but I do believe the worst of it is behind me now.

When someone is depressed, my first suggestion is to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs going through their mind

Since I have become more aware that I do this, I am able to talk to myself and remind myself that it is ok to be exactly who I am. It is the other person’s problem if they are uncomfortable with my joy! Being joyful and happy is my birthright and your birthright! We do not ever have to change in order to fit someone else’s reality. Again, it is not my problem if someone is uncomfortable with how good I feel! It is so important to become aware of the habits and the beliefs and the thoughts we have. When someone is depressed, my first suggestion is to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs going through their mind. Then question the validity of these. Acknowledge your truth, and then begin taking baby steps to act upon your truth. We all have a right to be happy and to express our truth!!!

 

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