Waking up is hard to do and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Written by Amie on March 31, 2015 – 2:23 am -

waking up to a new reality

It is not easy waking up to realize everything you have believed about your life is no longer true. Many people judge those who say that are awake or who are in the process of waking up, not really understanding what is meant by “being awake”. I know I was asleep to my truth until a few years ago. I started waking up to a new reality after my kids were born. I began working on my inner world. After my brother died 8 years ago, I woke up to an even deeper truth. One of the truths I soon realized is that we are each on a journey, and we are each waking up at different speeds. Some may not wake up in this lifetime. For one reason or another, this is not the time for their awakening. I understand this, but it still isn’t easy to live with sometimes.

Why are we not encouraged to research and question

When we wake up, we are forced to begin seeing things in a whole new way. I woke up to the fact that everything I learned (or was force-fed) about religion is not true. Nothing I was taught makes any sense to me. I always hated going to church but I didn’t know why. Now I know I hated going to church because my true self was saying this makes no sense! Shouldn’t this experience feel good? Why do I feel like a shameful guilty person each time I go? Why is this man standing in front of all of us “sinners” treated like he is better than those he preaches to? Why do we believe he has all of the answers? Why are we not encouraged to research and question and then decide what we feel best fits our truth? This is comical to me now! How easily we are led to believe nonsense. How easily we hand over our souls to someone deemed one of god’s chosen ones. How in the world can these people know the history of the world? Were they there from the beginning? Whose interpretation are we believing? Why are there so many versions? Why are many of the people who claim to live by the bible some of the most judgmental people I have ever met/seen in my life! Why are some of the messages I learned from being around “christian” people, “do as I say, not as I do. The rules I tell you to live by only apply to me if its convenient for me at that time. Just make sure you appear to be a “good” person, your actions don’t have to match what you say you believe.”

This is when I wonder about people

I could probably go on and on….but you get the idea. I am not here to bash religions. I am saying that for me, it doesn’t make sense to just believe someone else’s  ideas without researching and deciding what makes sense to me. I am quite tired of people using religion as a shield to cover up their anger and dysfunction, while trying to act kind and happy. I am quite tired of people using the excuse “we will pray for you”, rather than trying to take action, or actively work out a situation that feels too uncomfortable. If so-called religious people are non-judgmental and loving and accepting (you know, like they say jesus was), how in the world did a law just pass in Indiana that says businesses can now discriminate against gays, lesbians, and apparently anyone they describe as sinners and who these people believe will burn in hell for their sins? Those who are not worthy of their definition of, “god approved people”. This is when I wonder about people. How are you human? How is this okay? How can you justify this? It is difficult to not just give up on this crazy world.

I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs

This is another reason why waking up is not easy. I didn’t see these things as clearly as I do now. I could feel in my body that certain things did not feel good to me, but as usual, I assumed there was just something wrong with me. When you keep hearing ” you don’t believe THAT do you? over and over as a child, (and into adulthood!), it makes for serious confusion. Waking up means questioning everything about your life, not just religion. Once I started digging around through my thoughts and beliefs, I was shocked to see how brainwashed I was. I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs about my own life!  The ones I did have, I talked myself out of. I told myself I was a bad person for feeling that way. I couldn’t believe how my “go-to” was to think I was crazy and to think something was deeply wrong with me! It can sometimes be easier to numb out, or to self medicate in order to avoid feeling our truth. The reality can feel pretty harsh when a clear picture emerges. The difference between numbing out when you are awake versus numbing out when you are asleep is that when you numb out while awake, you are aware you are doing it. When you are asleep, you just numb out because that is just what you’ve always done.

If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth

I am here to say, “question everything you have been taught to believe, especially if you feel it in your body that something just doesn’t feel quite right”. Question everything, even if it goes against what your family, friends,community, and world believe! Question everything, even if it means letting go of things in your life that make you feel terrible. It is okay to let go of things that don’t feel healthy to you. Waking up means seeing and acknowledging the way things really are, the way things feel to *you*. Don’t let anyone guilt you or shame you into being a certain way. If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth. There is a very very good chance you are repressing your true self. There is a very very good chance you are angry with yourself or disappointed with yourself for not being able to just “be like others”. (This is a really good thing! But please be kind to yourself, and give your feelings a voice) Waking up is not easy. It sometimes feels very hard. It can at times feel isolating. But it is life changing, in really really good ways. It is learning to love yourself exactly  as you are. Once you love yourself, you will no longer be willing to go along with someone else’s ideas or beliefs unless they feel right *to you*.

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The breath and depression; breathing out of the dark place

Written by Amie on June 20, 2014 – 2:51 am -

 my own version of a private hell

I fell back into a deep dark place yesterday. A few days before this I could feel it coming on. It was pretty intense, and it caught me off guard in a way. I have had some days of feeling off, but not like I had at the beginning of this journey. I was feeling really hopeless. I tried very hard to just let the feeling be there. And for the most part I was able to do this. I was able to just do the basics to get through the day. I will be honest, it scared me a bit. It scared me because this feeling felt all too familiar, and I was afraid of falling and not being able to get back out this time. But I did. I felt a shift when I woke up today. I am so very grateful. But I want to talk about falling back down the hole. Each time it has happened over the years I realize once I reach the other side,I feel a growth in myself. Let me just say when in the midst of it, I am convinced I am in hell, if I believed in hell that is,lol. It is my own version of a private hell. And there is not a thing anyone can do or say to me that can pull me out. I realize it is something I have to go through in order to grow through another layer.

be nurtured 

I will say that it helped a great deal having people who support and love me letting me know they are there. And it helped to be nurtured by someone who loves me. I have learned that it is very important to make sure I don’t isolate myself. I reached out in a way that was enough at the time to reassure me I was loved and I wasn’t alone. Even if I did not want to talk or be talked to. It was a very intense process to watch the thoughts crossing my mind. I was in a state of fear to be sure. Fear of what? I’m not sure. I was able to see that my thoughts were just thoughts, but I was also stuck in the cycle of them. I was stuck. I was believing my fears somewhat. I knew they weren’t true, but I also felt fear in my body. It is hard to describe. The thing that really got me to shift my energy was the realization that even though my body felt numb, and yesterday I described it as feeling dead, was my breath. My breath was still happening even though I felt dead.

“I” am not the one having these thoughts

Hmmm….this really got me thinking about what/who is breathing me? How do we breath? Is it “me” breathing? Or is my breath being maintained by “the source”, “the energy”, “the divine” that created me? I was then able to come back to what I know to be true *for me*, and  that is, “I” am not my body. I am a soul who is living in this body. “I” am not the one having these thoughts. Thoughts arise in every single person every single day. They are words floating through the mind. I reminded myself that thoughts are the ego’s way of trying to keep me stuck. When “I” believe the thoughts, I am not in the present moment, I am stuck somewhere else. My body is holding onto emotions, creating energy to be stuck in my body.Which makes me suffer. I have to remind myself that its okay to be stuck sometimes. Sometimes being stuck happens right before a big growth spurt. As long as I remember the tools I have learned up until this point of being in a dark place, I know I will get out. Even if I don’t utilize those tools, just knowing they exist makes me remember there is in fact a better feeling place. And I have to remind myself that this too, shall pass. In fact, I even bought myself a ring that says, “this too, shall pass”.

 Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed

The very important thing to remember is ALWAYS have self love, self compassion. It took me many years, and so much practice to get to a place of kindness for myself when I am suffering. I still forget at times, but most of the time I am able to come back to this place of loving myself through the darkness. It is not always easy, as humans we tend to slip back into the patterns that feel familiar. But the more we practice,the easier it becomes to jump to self love and compassion first, and then allow the feelings to be there. Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed. I was fighting the feelings a bit, and then later I relaxed into them, and I allowed them in. And today, I must say that the darkness is gone for the most part, and I know I am closer to my truth. I am closer to the truth of who I really am. And, the really cool part is, I *know* for a fact that I am always connected to the source that created me. How do I know this? Because I am still breathing. My breath is always with me. Always, even after this physical body dies. We are One.

A beautiful video with Karen Drucker’s song “Gentle with myself”

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