you were conditioned to listen to everything *except* that voice inside yourself;self hate is not what you were born with

Written by Amie on July 26, 2012 – 1:35 pm -

we are taught to do many things, but being truthful about who we really are is not one of them

I am feeling the need to assure you that you are a very important part of the universe. You are connected to it. You are connected to every single soul, even during the times you are feeling completely alone and isolated. When I say important, what I mean is that the universe needs you to come alive. Otherwise ,we are missing a part of the whole.  I don’t mean just breathing, eating, talking, thinking. I mean awake to what is truly happening in your life. I mean being willing to look within to find your true self. Looking within to face yourself is not easy. It is hard work. Why is this? Because you have been conditioned away from doing this. You are taught to do many things, but being truthful about who you really are is not one of them. When you show who you are and others tell you (verbally or non verbally) it is inappropriate or not who they think you should be or who they *need* you to be, and you absorb that message over and over …..that’s when self hate comes in. This self hate becomes who you think you really are because it feels familiar.  You  learned this at a very young age most likely. Therefore, you believe it to be true, or “right”. When you expressed your needs as a child and then received a reaction of non-acceptance, you learned to try to be something else. You learned to act the part you needed to act in order to get along with those around you. This is the beginning of self hate, which is the beginning of shutting off your inner voice.

living in a bubble of self-hate 

I want to encourage you to listen to that inner voice, and to follow it. It is time. If you have been living in a bubble of self-hate and you have been labelled or have labelled yourself “depressed”, then you are not living in your truth. You are walking through life listening to external sources who are trying hard to keep everyone and everything the same. The definition of self hate is believing in the lies you have been conditioned with. It means being someone you’re not. It means following someone else’s dream of who you should be. It means doing things you absolutely hate because somehow you learned it is the “right” thing to do! It means saying NO to your inner voice. It means avoiding feeling your true feelings and emotions. It means avoiding your needs. It means continuing the shaming behavior  you were dealt when you voiced your truth or your needs. Having needs is normal and natural!!! You were shamed for having needs because the adults in your life were not capable or willing to meet you in your place of truth. You feel shame now because you are still believing in the lies that you were dealt. Being who you are is your birthright!!! Waking up in your life means being true to your soul’s purpose. Waking up and feeling the courage to go against what others want from you if what they want  doesn’t feel right in your soul. Waking up means listening to those inner voices of shame and telling them to go to hell!!! Those voices of shame and hate are NOT who you are, I promise you that. Those voices are the dysfunctions of families and societies and churches and cultures that keep getting handed down to children until we take responsibility to heal them and to stand up and change the bullshit beliefs we inherited!  

try not to label yourself 

There is no destination you need to get to. You are you, right in this moment. You can begin right now questioning who you are. Start by asking yourself the question, “who am I”? But I don’t want you to beat yourself up thinking you have to have the right answer because there isn’t a right answer. You are love, you are perfect exactly as you are. When you ponder this question, try not to label yourself with things such as, “I am a Mom/Dad”, or “I am a wife/husband”, or “I am a supervisor”. These aren’t who you are, they are just labels that make it easier to explain something to others. Who or what are you really? Be gentle on yourself with this. It is simply something to ponder, something that may help you open your heart just a bit in order to start seeing your truth. Self-hate feels very real. I was in it for years. I didn’t know to question it. I didn’t know that I was conditioned away from being who I was born to be. I didn’t understand that I was not being my authentic self and that this was why I hated myself. I beat myself up about everything. If I felt something other than what I had been conditioned to believe, I beat myself up. I thought I was bad for going against what I was taught to believe. In reality I now see that going against what I knew actually meant listening to who I really am. So, it is uncomfortable for awhile, I can assure you. When we change things up, our minds want to question it and make us doubt that what we are doing is “right”. Keep following your inner voice, even through the uncomfortable feelings. You will get to the place where your truth resides. It is in there, I promise you. Wading through the muck that isn’t your truth will get you to the clear waters of who you really are. Listen to that gut feeling you have about something you really want to do or something you really want to stop doing.

 Rebirth yourself in love

I need to say this again….you are connected to everyone and everything in the universe, and you are connected to the universe. You are a part of the whole. This means that you have the wisdom of the universe right inside you, right now! When you hear that small voice inside you that tells you what would be nice, this is your guidance from the universe. How can you tell the difference between the voice of self hate and the voice of the universe? Very simple. The universe gives you messages that feel loving, self hate gives you messages that are mean, scary, and hateful. Learning to listen to your inner guidance is the job at hand. Many of us have been conditioned to listen to others; listen to authority, listen to the “experts”, listen to what everyone is doing. You were conditioned to listen to everyone *except* that voice inside that is always connected to the universe, or your higher power, or whatever you choose to call it. We have been conditioned to feel bad when we listen to that voice. We have been conditioned to beat ourselves up when we go against what we are taught. This is where depression comes in. You are not in touch with your inner guide, therefore you are not open to the universe and the love that is waiting for you. You are here to experience love, and joy, and connection with others. There will be sadness, grief, hardship etc. When you are depressed, you are shut off to everything. When you are depressed, it means you are listening to the dysfunction, you are listening to the self hate which is the accumulation of untrue messages you were conditioned with. To begin to change this, you must question every single thought you have. If it is not kind and loving, it is not your inner guidance. So, talk back to it! Tell it thanks, but no thanks. And keep listening and questioning. Your birthright is love. Self hate is not what you were born with. Throw it out thought by thought and belief by belief. Rebirth yourself in love.

Gangaji  “your core message”

 

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The journey of looking within and learning to accept the capabilities of others

Written by Amie on May 1, 2012 – 10:33 pm -

Healing from the inside out; severe depression and unhappiness

I often wonder why some people decide to begin the journey of looking within themselves and others do not. I know in my case, my motivation was severe depression and pure unhappiness. Resentment, loneliness, and sadness were mixed in there as well. For me, it was a matter of survival. I knew if I didn’t find a way to change the way I was feeling, I may not make it. That’s the truth. The journey of looking within oneself is not easy. Questioning everything you ever thought to be true can be very scary. It can feel as though your whole life is changing and the world as you know it is no longer there. Both of these statements are true. Your world will change, sometimes drastically, and the world as you knew it will no longer be. I suppose this is the reason so many people never even step foot on the road to looking within. What these people will never know then, is that this journey is incredible! Healing from the inside out is the most rewarding experience and, in my opinion, one of the reasons we are here in these physical bodies. I don’t believe we are here to suffer and to feel miserable and angry. I believe we are here to discover the truth we were born with, and to feel infinite amounts of love. I think I am here and you are here, to discover that we *are* love, pure love, and that we are magnificent beings who are all attached to each other by a thread that connects us all.

it is a spiritual process

I know that at the beginning of my journey, I was unaware of  many possibilities and ideas. I had been repressing my feelings(my truth) for so long, I had no idea I was covering my true self up. I never knew to question who I was. Depression took over my life, and my feelings became unbearable. I knew something was very wrong. The way I felt could not possibly be as good as it gets.  I began looking for help. I signed up for a six week healing group for women. It opened my eyes to so many things about myself. It opened my heart in a way I had never experienced. Being with and learning from other women was a huge leap onto the path I continue on today. From this group I found my therapist, who is incredible. I believe she has been integral in my growth because she did and continues to do her own growth work. I believe a therapist can only take us as far along on our path to healing as they have gone on their own path. I believe this is why I went to several therapists before my current one, and left feeling just as bad as when I started! There is so much more to good therapy than just sitting there talking and listening. So much more. It is a spiritual process.

I made the choice to look at myself and to process the resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, and most importantly, to learn to *feel* my feelings

I have been on this path for quite a few years now. I can honestly say that my depression has been gone for awhile now. I believe this is because I made the choice to look at myself and to process the resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, and most importantly, to learn to *feel* my feelings. I processed so many emotions that had been stuck inside me. I acknowledged them, felt them, and then let them leave my body. Sometimes they would resurface, sometimes not. If they resurfaced, it meant I didn’t get it all out the first time, and this is okay! Little by little, my depression began to lift. Sometimes it was three steps forward, two steps back. This is part of the process. The habit of repressing your feelings(your truth), is not always simple to change, especially if you have been doing it most of your life. So, the important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself throughout the process. Even if the voice inside your head is self-hate, keep telling yourself, “I AM LOVE”. Even if that doesn’t feel true YET, keep saying it.

it is simply impossible for your “world” to be the same as it was before you started your journey

Once I started feeling better, I made the assumption that the relationships in my life would stay the same! I know, right? How could that be possible? Unless everyone in your life is also working on their own inner life, and growing along with you, it is simply impossible for your “world” to be the same as it was before you started your journey. So, this is where I had to learn about the capabilities of others. I couldn’t assume that because I was growing and changing, everyone else in my life would as well. This is very far from the truth. I had to learn to accept the fact that we are all on different growth time lines and paths. Our journeys all look different. Even when we end up in the same place, the journey to get there looks very different. Honestly, acknowledging the truth that some people in my life are not always capable(and I don’t mean this in a bad way, it is just where they are) of accepting where I am on my path was a difficult process for me. It was difficult to accept the fact that they are not capable of being emotionally available in a way I need them to be. For the most part, I have accepted this, and I find other ways to fulfill my needs. There are still times when I wish for things to be different. But things are as they are, and that is the truth in this moment. Accepting this truth has not been easy. If we continue to wish for someone to change, we prolong our own suffering. We are fighting against *what is*. I learned to accept what is true in each moment by allowing myself to feel my feelings about that truth. I had to feel the sadness and the disappointment of the truth that some people in my life are not capable right now to give me what I need. I had to feel the anger and the resentment of the truth that they are not able to see who I really am. I also had to let these people know how I was feeling about this fact. Once I was able to feel my truth, and say my truth I was able to get to the place of accepting what is true in this moment.

This is a short video (1:47)  talking about how we all share the same open secret:

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