Fighting against my inner knowing

Written by Amie on July 1, 2014 – 3:19 am -

What is alive in me today? 

I try to remember to ask myself this every day. Needless to say, this doesn’t always work out. And that’s okay, tomorrow is another opportunity. So when I asked myself this question today, what came to mind is a different perspective on why so many of us have suffered with depression. I will say this again, I strongly believe depression is a gift when we are willing to look inside ourselves to do the work involved with discovering our truth. And also, let me say this, depression did not feel like a gift to me for a very long time! It felt like death. I want to be clear about those thoughts because I want you to have hope that you can feel better. Finding your truth, speaking it and then embodying it is the best gift ever. I believe discovering the truth of who and what we really are is the reason we are in these physical bodies on this earth. Okay, I’m sort of going off on a tangent here as usual,lol. But these things are very important for me to keep saying to you. Keep digging, keep going back inside yourself to discover your truth. I promise you, you will be overwhelmed with love for yourself after you clear away the clutter that doesn’t belong to you. You were born pure love, and your job is to peel away the layers to come back to your truth.

 fighting against my heart and my external world

The different perspective is this. My depression was so deep because I was in a constant battle with trying to fight against my inner knowing. I had a *knowing* that information, experiences, situations, people in my life were not matching up to my truth inside. Hopefully this makes sense. Some things that come to mind are; unhealthy chemical filled food is the norm, children being treated disrespectfully and people accept it, prescription drugs being handed out like candy, women being abused, raped, etc., animals being abused, people spewing their emotional pain onto others. I know I am a sensitive person. I mean this in a very positive way, so if you have been called sensitive or “over sensitive”, this is a very positive trait. It means you are compassionate and full of so much empathy for others. It is just not a trait that is encouraged in our culture right now. (it is becoming more so, but that’s another subject too,lol) So what I mean by this is that I was constantly fighting against my heart and my external world. I *know* we are meant to love and be loved. So when I come across people who do or say mean things or treat each other badly, it hurts my heart. In a very deep way. At the beginning of my journey, however, I thought there was something wrong with me when I felt strong compassion and sometimes pain for others and for certain situations. I was taught that I was just too sensitive. I know differently now. I know it is not our purpose to be here on this earth to harm each other, to harm the earth, to hate ourselves, to hate others, to project our pain onto others. I know this deep within me. So it was (and still is) very difficult to be an empathic, sensitive caring soul in this world sometimes. And to feel we have to protect ourselves by sometimes pretending we are not this way, is a very very depressing thing to have to do. It is repressing our truth.

Discover your beautiful *real* truth

At the beginning of my journey, I did not see things this way. I thought something was wrong with me that I couldn’t handle “the real world” so to speak. Now I know this is *not* the *real* world. This is a dysfunctional way of living that has sadly become the norm. But the wonderful news is that the more you do your work of discovering your truth, the more love comes into the world! Each of us that is doing our own healing work is contributing to the health of our world! Each of us has a job, and that is to do our work. Heal our wounds. Discover your beautiful *real* truth. I promise you, you are pure love. The more you feel your wounds and process your pain, the more your truth can be felt. The easier you are on yourself, the more you love yourself, the less you have to fight against the crazy external world. Be in *your* world. Fight *FOR* your truth. Begin looking at your life and asking yourself two things, “what is alive in me”, and “what truth am I pushing away so that I can hide my true self?”  It is scary to start reveal your true self. But it is empowering and it will make you begin to feel alive again. Turn off anything you can that does not feed you. Find things that nurture you. Be gentle on yourself. Discover what feels good to you. Begin saying no to the things that suck your truth our of you. Become aware of what you are fighting against. Talk to yourself. When you feel a strong aversion to something and it hurts your heart, pay attention to that. There is nothing wrong with you, there is everything wrong with dysfunction. Begin taking care of your true self. That sweet beautiful soul you are.

Start with self-care

Start with small steps, and tell yourself you are doing great, and that your love is radiating the world. Start with self-care. Doing things for others will happen later once you have built up your own reservoir of self-love. I understand we all have daily obligations that may involve caring for others. But I am encouraging you to find ways to nurture YOU, to care for YOU. Make a list of things that feel nurturing. Start each day by telling yourself, “I am pure love”. Find a short mantra to recite to yourself to help train your mind to go to loving thoughts rather than self-hate. My mind was trained to go to thoughts that berated me, thoughts that I had picked up from experiences in my life that told me I deserved to be treated this way. My job was/is to question these thoughts, and to discover the sometimes subtle ways they came into my life. This is the healing work that needs to be done in order to see the gift of depression. We must feel our truth, process our truth, speak our truth and embody our truth, all while learning to treat ourselves with unconditional love and kindness. The way we were meant to live. All of our experiences are learning experiences. They are most definitely not always simple. Healing depression is absolutely possible. Healing depression means finding your truth. It means processing your life experiences, and discovering the lessons in them. And the most important thing of all is learning to love your beautiful true self. When you are able to see the contrast between what your soul knows, what your true self is all about, the fighting against anything will stop. Yes, those things will probably still be around, but you will no longer feel the need to hide yourself away, you will no longer need to fight.

How can you show yourself love today? What truth can you say today? What is one small thing in your life that you strongly dislike? What makes you feel alive, even if it is just something you think about? Keep thinking about it. What is a small mantra you can begin saying to yourself that feels comforting and loving? What music can you listen to right now that makes you feel connected to your inner truth? What is your soul saying to you? Sit quietly alone and listen. Write down some messages that you would like to have playing in your mind. Begin saying them to yourself each day. “I am perfect health”, “I am love”, “I am a loving soul”. These are some I use. Let me know what you think and what feels good to you. You are deeply loved. Trust me on this one.

trust-quotes

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The breath and depression; breathing out of the dark place

Written by Amie on June 20, 2014 – 2:51 am -

 my own version of a private hell

I fell back into a deep dark place yesterday. A few days before this I could feel it coming on. It was pretty intense, and it caught me off guard in a way. I have had some days of feeling off, but not like I had at the beginning of this journey. I was feeling really hopeless. I tried very hard to just let the feeling be there. And for the most part I was able to do this. I was able to just do the basics to get through the day. I will be honest, it scared me a bit. It scared me because this feeling felt all too familiar, and I was afraid of falling and not being able to get back out this time. But I did. I felt a shift when I woke up today. I am so very grateful. But I want to talk about falling back down the hole. Each time it has happened over the years I realize once I reach the other side,I feel a growth in myself. Let me just say when in the midst of it, I am convinced I am in hell, if I believed in hell that is,lol. It is my own version of a private hell. And there is not a thing anyone can do or say to me that can pull me out. I realize it is something I have to go through in order to grow through another layer.

be nurtured 

I will say that it helped a great deal having people who support and love me letting me know they are there. And it helped to be nurtured by someone who loves me. I have learned that it is very important to make sure I don’t isolate myself. I reached out in a way that was enough at the time to reassure me I was loved and I wasn’t alone. Even if I did not want to talk or be talked to. It was a very intense process to watch the thoughts crossing my mind. I was in a state of fear to be sure. Fear of what? I’m not sure. I was able to see that my thoughts were just thoughts, but I was also stuck in the cycle of them. I was stuck. I was believing my fears somewhat. I knew they weren’t true, but I also felt fear in my body. It is hard to describe. The thing that really got me to shift my energy was the realization that even though my body felt numb, and yesterday I described it as feeling dead, was my breath. My breath was still happening even though I felt dead.

“I” am not the one having these thoughts

Hmmm….this really got me thinking about what/who is breathing me? How do we breath? Is it “me” breathing? Or is my breath being maintained by “the source”, “the energy”, “the divine” that created me? I was then able to come back to what I know to be true *for me*, and  that is, “I” am not my body. I am a soul who is living in this body. “I” am not the one having these thoughts. Thoughts arise in every single person every single day. They are words floating through the mind. I reminded myself that thoughts are the ego’s way of trying to keep me stuck. When “I” believe the thoughts, I am not in the present moment, I am stuck somewhere else. My body is holding onto emotions, creating energy to be stuck in my body.Which makes me suffer. I have to remind myself that its okay to be stuck sometimes. Sometimes being stuck happens right before a big growth spurt. As long as I remember the tools I have learned up until this point of being in a dark place, I know I will get out. Even if I don’t utilize those tools, just knowing they exist makes me remember there is in fact a better feeling place. And I have to remind myself that this too, shall pass. In fact, I even bought myself a ring that says, “this too, shall pass”.

 Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed

The very important thing to remember is ALWAYS have self love, self compassion. It took me many years, and so much practice to get to a place of kindness for myself when I am suffering. I still forget at times, but most of the time I am able to come back to this place of loving myself through the darkness. It is not always easy, as humans we tend to slip back into the patterns that feel familiar. But the more we practice,the easier it becomes to jump to self love and compassion first, and then allow the feelings to be there. Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed. I was fighting the feelings a bit, and then later I relaxed into them, and I allowed them in. And today, I must say that the darkness is gone for the most part, and I know I am closer to my truth. I am closer to the truth of who I really am. And, the really cool part is, I *know* for a fact that I am always connected to the source that created me. How do I know this? Because I am still breathing. My breath is always with me. Always, even after this physical body dies. We are One.

A beautiful video with Karen Drucker’s song “Gentle with myself”

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