Waking up is hard to do and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Written by Amie on March 31, 2015 – 2:23 am -

waking up to a new reality

It is not easy waking up to realize everything you have believed about your life is no longer true. Many people judge those who say that are awake or who are in the process of waking up, not really understanding what is meant by “being awake”. I know I was asleep to my truth until a few years ago. I started waking up to a new reality after my kids were born. I began working on my inner world. After my brother died 8 years ago, I woke up to an even deeper truth. One of the truths I soon realized is that we are each on a journey, and we are each waking up at different speeds. Some may not wake up in this lifetime. For one reason or another, this is not the time for their awakening. I understand this, but it still isn’t easy to live with sometimes.

Why are we not encouraged to research and question

When we wake up, we are forced to begin seeing things in a whole new way. I woke up to the fact that everything I learned (or was force-fed) about religion is not true. Nothing I was taught makes any sense to me. I always hated going to church but I didn’t know why. Now I know I hated going to church because my true self was saying this makes no sense! Shouldn’t this experience feel good? Why do I feel like a shameful guilty person each time I go? Why is this man standing in front of all of us “sinners” treated like he is better than those he preaches to? Why do we believe he has all of the answers? Why are we not encouraged to research and question and then decide what we feel best fits our truth? This is comical to me now! How easily we are led to believe nonsense. How easily we hand over our souls to someone deemed one of god’s chosen ones. How in the world can these people know the history of the world? Were they there from the beginning? Whose interpretation are we believing? Why are there so many versions? Why are many of the people who claim to live by the bible some of the most judgmental people I have ever met/seen in my life! Why are some of the messages I learned from being around “christian” people, “do as I say, not as I do. The rules I tell you to live by only apply to me if its convenient for me at that time. Just make sure you appear to be a “good” person, your actions don’t have to match what you say you believe.”

This is when I wonder about people

I could probably go on and on….but you get the idea. I am not here to bash religions. I am saying that for me, it doesn’t make sense to just believe someone else’s  ideas without researching and deciding what makes sense to me. I am quite tired of people using religion as a shield to cover up their anger and dysfunction, while trying to act kind and happy. I am quite tired of people using the excuse “we will pray for you”, rather than trying to take action, or actively work out a situation that feels too uncomfortable. If so-called religious people are non-judgmental and loving and accepting (you know, like they say jesus was), how in the world did a law just pass in Indiana that says businesses can now discriminate against gays, lesbians, and apparently anyone they describe as sinners and who these people believe will burn in hell for their sins? Those who are not worthy of their definition of, “god approved people”. This is when I wonder about people. How are you human? How is this okay? How can you justify this? It is difficult to not just give up on this crazy world.

I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs

This is another reason why waking up is not easy. I didn’t see these things as clearly as I do now. I could feel in my body that certain things did not feel good to me, but as usual, I assumed there was just something wrong with me. When you keep hearing ” you don’t believe THAT do you? over and over as a child, (and into adulthood!), it makes for serious confusion. Waking up means questioning everything about your life, not just religion. Once I started digging around through my thoughts and beliefs, I was shocked to see how brainwashed I was. I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs about my own life!  The ones I did have, I talked myself out of. I told myself I was a bad person for feeling that way. I couldn’t believe how my “go-to” was to think I was crazy and to think something was deeply wrong with me! It can sometimes be easier to numb out, or to self medicate in order to avoid feeling our truth. The reality can feel pretty harsh when a clear picture emerges. The difference between numbing out when you are awake versus numbing out when you are asleep is that when you numb out while awake, you are aware you are doing it. When you are asleep, you just numb out because that is just what you’ve always done.

If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth

I am here to say, “question everything you have been taught to believe, especially if you feel it in your body that something just doesn’t feel quite right”. Question everything, even if it goes against what your family, friends,community, and world believe! Question everything, even if it means letting go of things in your life that make you feel terrible. It is okay to let go of things that don’t feel healthy to you. Waking up means seeing and acknowledging the way things really are, the way things feel to *you*. Don’t let anyone guilt you or shame you into being a certain way. If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth. There is a very very good chance you are repressing your true self. There is a very very good chance you are angry with yourself or disappointed with yourself for not being able to just “be like others”. (This is a really good thing! But please be kind to yourself, and give your feelings a voice) Waking up is not easy. It sometimes feels very hard. It can at times feel isolating. But it is life changing, in really really good ways. It is learning to love yourself exactly  as you are. Once you love yourself, you will no longer be willing to go along with someone else’s ideas or beliefs unless they feel right *to you*.

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Nurturing yourself takes practice; learning self-love

Written by Amie on January 17, 2014 – 3:22 am -

You won’t have to try so hard

Learning self-love and self nurture takes practice. Loving and nurturing yourself doesn’t mean you have to forget everyone else in your life. It just means that you begin being kind to yourself internally and you begin taking your own needs and feelings into account. This is not done by “thinking positive” or by avoiding “negative” things. Yes, it helps to think positive and it helps to avoid negative situations whenever possible. However, usually when someone says, “think positive”, this means ignore your truth and pretend as though everything is great! This creates resentment, self-hate, and more dysfunction. The first step to creating a life that feels positive is to learn self-love and self-nurture. Once you begin loving yourself, you will automatically think positive and avoid negativity. You won’t have to try so hard. I don’t want to make it sound like learning to love yourself is simple and it happens overnight. Mostly, that doesn’t happen. It is a process of “unlearning” conditioned thoughts and beliefs, and then discovering your true thoughts and beliefs.

The root of self love

Once you begin discovering your true beliefs, things will start to fall into place. You will not want to be around people who tell you to ,”just think positive! Stop dwelling on the negative and maybe you won’t feel depressed”, or “do something fun for yourself and that might help you feel happy”. None of these work long term. The root of self love is pure acceptance of who you really are at your core. Pure acceptance of who you really are means you voice your truth, you own your experiences, you inquire into what your conditioned beliefs are and your question everything! Self-love happens gradually as you begin discovering and revealing your truth. Self-love will gradually happen as you begin uncovering the conditioned beliefs that are at the root of self-hate.

Self-hate is an accumulation of traumas, conditioned beliefs, unhealthy messages received both verbally and non-verbally, dysfunctional environments, lack of feeling safe, lack of being nurtured, not feeling free to be who you really are, not feeling safe to voice your needs, and many others possibilities depending on your situation. We are not born hating ourselves, we learn to hate ourselves because of the situations mentioned above. Learning self-love means undoing all of these learned dysfunctions.

How to begin the process of self- love?

To begin the process of learning to love yourself, you must first own your experience. You most definitely were not responsible for the negative situations that happened to you. However, this is YOUR life, and in order to learn to love yourself, you must own it. All of it. Is this easy? No! Does this mean you shouldn’t feel angry? Absolutely not! Anger is usually a huge part of the process of healing. Once you allow yourself to feel what is underneath the anger, you start getting to those things I mentioned above. You start questioning your beliefs that were given to you. You truly are allowed to feel your feelings! Depression and self hate will stay with you as long as you keep denying your truth. Its okay to feel angry! It is what you do with your anger that is important. Learn to get underneath the anger. What is really under the anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Fear? Journaling can be helpful in this situation. Owning your experience may include allowing yourself to become angry with those who wronged you. (This does not mean you have to confront them, unless you feel it would help your process. But most of the time, there are other ways to get through this without having to confront them. If the people who wronged you are still in a dysfunctional state, you may end up more hurt by speaking to them, because they are not going to be able to really “hear you”. ) Most people have great intentions, sometimes they are just not capable of giving the love others need. I have compassion for them, I really do. But, this absolutely does not mean I don’t have a right to heal by going through the process of being angry. Going through it is the only way to heal, in my opinion. Once you get through the anger, it can be released and you can move on.

your nurturing guidance

Once you own your experience, you can begin practicing other ways to love yourself. This will feel “weird” for awhile, but that is only because it is different and you aren’t used to it. Let it be “your little secret”. You don’t have to tell anyone what you are doing unless you trust that they will accept you exactly as you are. One very  important step in learning to love yourself is cultivating a loving, gentle voice inside you. This voice only speaks love and gentleness to you. It is your nurturing guidance. If you are upset, use this voice to comfort yourself. This takes practice! And it takes time and practice to even remember to do it! Other ways to practice self-love are to learn to meditate. This will connect you with the loving presence that is always available to you. Learn to sit in silence. Make a list of activities or things you have always loved but never allow yourself to make time to do. Do these things as often as possible, even when that conditioned voice inside is saying you don’t deserve to take time to do something you love. If the voice of self-hate pops in, tell it no thank you, I got this one! Journal every day. If you are afraid someone will find it, just promise yourself that after you write, you will burn it or throw it away, and then do that. This cultivates self-trust. Very important.

begin your journey to self-love

It is unfortunate that most people have to learn how to love themselves, but this is where we are, so there is less suffering if we accept it, and then own what we need to do in order to heal. It is possible to love yourself, I promise! It takes time, gentleness, patience, acceptance, and practice, practice, practice! The more you listen to what is going on in your thoughts and you question where they come from, the easier it will get for you to begin to change them. It helps me to sing (or scream sing!), dance, move, exercise…anything that will help me feel the sensation (emotions) in my body and release them. It helps to remind yourself that you are absolutely not a victim any longer! You are your own best friend, you are loved no matter what, always, and you are capable of undoing the conditioned junk that you learned. Nurturing yourself will become second nature once you become aware, and begin your journey to self-love.

 

I absolutely love this song right now! Let your truth be heard!!

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Nurture yourself, Self hate, Self-love | 2 Comments »
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