Connections that end; and boundaries

Written by Amie on August 31, 2015 – 2:33 am -

Moving on when we need to

Some days it is hard for me to understand why things happen as they do. One thing I have been pondering lately is why we are connected to the people we are connected to on this journey of life. I believe some people are meant to be in our lives for the “long haul” ,so to speak, some are meant to be for a shorter duration, and some maybe just very briefly. Since becoming more consciously aware, I am able to see how the universe makes it pretty clear when it is time to move on from a connection with someone. Years ago, I would have tried to do anything, (mostly making myself miserable) to keep those in my life who I *thought* were supposed to be. And when I say “supposed to be”, I mean they had been in my life up to that point, so why should that change?

It doesn’t feel *bad*, it feels complete

I am noticing how different it feels to me these days when I don’t feel the same connection with people that I assumed would be in my life either for the duration, or at least for a very long time. I really notice in my body how the connection feels complete, as if saying, yes, this connection has served its purpose. It feels like we have done what we needed to do in order to grow our souls, and it is time to move on. It doesn’t feel *bad* to me. It feels complete. And, I just find it really interesting. I have also noticed that the ending of connections may also happen when we discover new boundaries within ourselves. We discover that certain things about a connection which may have been okay before, are no longer feeling good. I know what feels good to me in a connection with a person, and I know what I do not want in a connection. Depending on the connection, it may take a bit longer to tie up loose ends so to speak, but sometimes it is just a clean, clear-cut ending, due to either new discoveries or just that the connection has served its purpose.

talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk

In terms of boundaries, I know what I will no longer tolerate in my life in terms of a deep connection. I know I will not be in close connection with those who do not value who I am, all parts of who I am. I know I will not be in close connection with those who give the vibe that they are merely tolerating me. I will not be in close connection with those who do not value equal rights for all people. I will not be in close connection with those who do not speak up on my behalf if the situation calls for it. I will not be in connection with those who believe they deserve more or better than other people deserve. I will not be in close connection with those who will not own their truth. (this one can be a bit blurry sometimes because many people are not conscious enough yet to see this in themselves, or they aren’t able to acknowledge it in themselves). However, there is a big difference between not seeing their truth clearly, and wanting to deny the truth for one’s own benefit.If there is one thing I know right now for sure, it is that I want to limit my connections (as much as I possibly can without becoming a hermit) to those who say they are a certain way, but their actions say something very different.

We are all learning

And with that, I want to also say, that I completely understand we are all in different places in this life journey. I remember when I would talk the talk and not walk the walk. I was then, and I am now, still learning. We all are. I just know, that for me, I have to trust that someone I choose to reveal my truth, my soul, my heart to, is willing to do the same with me. It is very telling when someone is only willing to open up so far, but will easily focus on others’ issues and struggles, or on their own accomplishments and successes. I just know that I no longer choose to be in deep connection with those who aren’t willing to reveal their own struggles, mistakes, and wounds. I want to be in connection with those who put consciousness, authenticity, and inner self work as a top priority.

Setting boundaries

I understand why people may be reluctant to show themselves authentically, and I still choose to limit the connection. Most of my life was spent trying to decipher if those close to me truly cared about me, and if what they were saying to me was truth or if it was manipulation or narcissistic behavior. So, I have put in my time, and I am no longer willing to be in deep connection with those not willing to show their deep truth. And after years of healing from dysfunctional connections, I am done with connections that don’t feel authentic. This is a boundary for me. And I am done with those connections where I no longer feel healthy support. Everyone has their limitations, and for each of us to be healthy, we must decide what connections feel nurturing and authentic, and which ones don’t. The universe will help you see if you take the time to go inside yourself to listen. Take care of yourself no matter what!

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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Healing & personal growth, Nurture yourself | 3 Comments »

Passing on dysfunction to the next generation, no thank you

Written by Amie on January 28, 2014 – 3:18 am -

It feels empowering to uncover the dysfunctional behaviors I had been living with my whole life that I was conditioned to believe were “normal”. It feels healing and powerful to notice them before they get passed onto my kids. I’m sure my kids will have their own set of “issues” to work on stemming from their childhoods, but I sure hope I’ve minimized these possible issues somewhat by waking up to question all aspects of my life. It isn’t easy being a parent when we have wounds from our own childhood to process, but it is all part of the journey. We can only hope that we catch them and heal them so that our children don’t inherit them. I truly have compassion for all parents trying to heal while also trying to give their children a healthy emotional start. We can’t give what we don’t have. It takes great awareness, courage, willingness, and vulnerability to change those aspects of our lives that have always been a part of who we believed we were. Most of the time I am able to remember this, and just accept what is. And then there are the times when an adult who isn’t able to look at their own issues or wounds comes into contact with my children. This is when I accept their limitations, but I also must take action.

a-line-in-the-sand

Because of the fact that I didn’t have healthy emotional role models in my life as a child, I am vigilant about making my children aware of unhealthy behavior. I want them to know what is acceptable behavior and what is unhealthy behavior. In fact, they are old enough now that they point it out to me, I don’t even have to say anything. I want them to know they absolutely have a right to put boundaries in place that will help to keep them emotionally healthy. It saddens me when an attempt to manipulate my children is made by someone who claims to love them. The same type of manipulation I had to deal with is now being tried on my children. This makes me angry. I have compassion for this person’s limitations, but I also will not allow this type of behavior to be a part of my children’s lives. At least not while my kids are still under my watch. I understand how and why this happens, but I will not tolerate it. It hurts that a person will lie straight to me and say they didn’t do it. It could be so simple! A simple, “yes, I was feeling so upset about our estrangement that I thought getting your kids involved was a good idea. I see now that it wasn’t a good idea, and I am sorry.” This would be a healthy response. But that is me wishing for something that isn’t there. And so I move on.

I move on and I remind myself how far I’ve come on this healing journey. I try to remember to commend myself for all of the hard work I have done in order to get to this place of loving myself, and of healing my depression. Years of hard painful work. I remind myself it is my right to honor my need for emotional safety and health for myself and my children. If there are people who choose to stay in their story and lash out at others, that is their journey. I have to work on keeping myself and my family healthy. If that means not allowing certain people to correspond with my children, that is what I will do. The dysfunction stops here. I feel sad that I am blamed for messing things up, speaking my truth, supporting others, and setting healthy boundaries. But this is my journey. I own my life. This is my life and I am healthier and more at peace than ever before. ¬†I still feel sad and disappointed at times. There is still some letting go to be done. I intend to stay healthy. I intend to protect my children from dysfunctional patterns as much as I am able to. I intend to be present and alive as much as ¬†possible. And I intend to accept what is.

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Posted in Awareness, Healing & personal growth, healing from depression, Help with depression, Mindful/respectful parenting | 4 Comments »
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