Meditation and connection to my truth

Written by Amie on December 8, 2009 – 1:40 am -

I professed to know myself

It is rare that I miss a day of meditation. I feel as though a part of me is missing if I happen to miss a day. I really believe that meditation has been one of the most important tools in recovering from depression. My depression was severe because of so many things, but the main one was the fact that I was completely cut off from my inner self. I always professed to “know myself”. Boy was that a mistake! I had no connection with the quiet voice inside me. Therefore, I was basically a body walking around going through the motions of being alive. There were times when I was connected in with those around me of course; my husband, my children etc. But, I was pretty much cut off from myself and my truth.

child-meditating

Stay busy to avoid feeling

I think this is true for so many people. Many people learn to shut down their connection because it becomes too painful to leave the connection open. They start becoming who they believe they are supposed to be. Many people keep themselves so busy because it is scary to think of spending quiet time alone. If we are quiet with ourselves, our truth starts to emerge, and many things may be revealed that had been forgotten. It is not always easy work, but it is necessary if you are to heal from depression. We must become attentive to what is going on within us. Honestly, when I first started down this healing path, I heard people talking about their needs, desires, and their discoveries about their truth. This sounded like they were speaking a language I had never heard.

Will fireworks go off when I meditate?

When I started meditating, I expected huge things to happen. I thought I would have these incredible insights every time I decided to meditate. Heck, I didn’t have a clue how to meditate. I sat and waited, resisting my thoughts, pushing them away. So, of course it felt as thought I was at war with myself. That didn’t feel good. I would give up and then come back a few weeks later to try again. Meditation is being with yourself, listening. It doesn’t have to be a war, but sometimes it is. The more I meditate, the quieter my mind is. I keep reminding my mind that I am giving it time to rest. After all, it works triple time on some days!

A sense of connection

Lately, my meditations are deeper, and I am able to sense a connection that gives me information. There were many times I felt angry that I didn’t sense this connection. When I let go of my expectation for a certain outcome, things got much better. When I allow myself time to just be, things go better. I feel a deep reassurance that I am OK. It feels good. I believe that meditation is an innate need we all have. I also believe that each individual will begin meditating when the time is right. Not everyone is ready to spend time in quiet with themselves each day. I just know that in my experience, it is one of the best tools I have in my toolbox, and it has helped me more than words can say.

Check out Osho’s book called From Medication to Meditation, or Nothing Happens Next by Cheri Huber, or Present Moment Wonderful Moment by Thich Nhat Hanh just to name a few.

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Letting the tears and the emotions flow

Written by Amie on November 20, 2009 – 12:10 am -

Falling apart at the drop of a hat

It is scary to feel like I can just fall apart at any minute. Lately I feel as though I will cry at the drop of a hat. I feel raw with emotion. I know this isn’t a bad thing, but when I feel vulnerable, it still feels scary. As much as I remind myself, I still forget, “this too, shall pass”. Thankfully, my dark spots are not the size of a crater anymore, but nonetheless, they can still feel debilitating when they last for more than a few days. I try to remind myself  it will pass if I just allow myself to “be with it”. Of course, that can be the hardest and sometimes the most painful part. I know that I have a pretty sensitive nervous system. I feel grateful that I discovered this so I could stop beating myself up for “being so sensitive.” I am learning to love this about myself, rather than hate it. Most of the time, that is. For the past few days, I have strongly disliked this fact.

man+crying

Many tears flowing

There have been many tears the last few days, but the release feels good. I can tell there is more to come. The tears have retreated for today. Each time I just stay with my sensation of being stuck, I am able to release more and feel better. When I try to fight the feelings and push at them, they remain with me, and they push back harder. I must keep reminding myself that I am peeling back the layers of emotions as my body is ready to release them. As much as I want it to be over with, I can’t hurry the process. I really am exactly where I am supposed to be. Damn, that is a hard thing to remember in the midst of the struggle. Once I am able to get my fingertips to the top of the hole to pull myself out, I am hit with a huge ah-ha moment. I realize once again, that I always feel better after the struggle. I do want to say that there was a time when I was just in a constant struggle, there was no, “this too, shall pass”. It never passed, it stayed right where it was because I had no idea how to be present with it.

The struggle with dark emotions

Sometimes it is still hard for me to put into words what is happening inside me when I am struggling with dark emotions. I can just explain the sensation of what my body is telling me. Today I felt as though I had a rock lodged in my stomach. After sitting with this sensation for about 15 minutes, I noticed that my body was telling me that the “rock” in my stomach was a feeling of being unsafe and scared. Of what? Not really sure, but it also doesn’t always matter.  With the help of my therapist, I tried to give the “rock” a voice, to ask it what it was afraid of. This is something you can do for yourself if you are not working with a therapist. I was able to feel in my body that there was something pushing against the “rock” to keep it stuck there. I discovered that I was feeling too vulnerable and also unsafe. I was able to get to a place of feeling safe by thinking of a time when I *did* feel safe. Once I let my mind and body go to the place of feeling safe, the stuck feeling did dissolve. I had to remember there was no “goal” to the process. I wasn’t trying to make it go away, I wasn’t trying to solve the problem, I was simply trying to let the sensation have a voice.

Trust yourself, trust your body

Our bodies are so much a part of our emotions. Even when our minds can’t figure out *what* or *why* we feel a certain way, the feelings in our bodies are telling us enough information. It is the mind that wants to make us think we have to “figure it all out”. Believe me, my mind tries to convince me of this on a regular basis. I talk to myself often. It is necessary to put the mind in it’s place, so to speak. It really can convince us of anything if we listen to it long enough. Three years ago, I couldn’t answer the question, “how are you feeling”, or “what is alive in you right now”? Today, I am able to feel the places in my body where I hold my emotions. My stomach is the first place my emotions go. Trusting my body feels good. It will only allow what I can handle to come to the surface. My fear of completely exploding will not happen. My body is my protector. It will let me know when it needs to release. Trust yourself, trust your body.

Video of Eckhart Tolle discussing how to express emotions.

 

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