Letting go of the good little girl

Written by Amie on April 8, 2014 – 3:27 am -

 “You know the truth by the way it feels” ~India Arie

 

if I stand in my truth, I am not a nice person

The a-ha moments just keep coming. And for that I am grateful. Not always excited to go through the uncomfortable stages of the process, but once I’m on the other side, I feel relief and I feel as though I have shed more of the deeply held beliefs that sometimes keep me stuck. My latest a-ha moment has been floating around in my body for a while, but I just wasn’t exactly sure what it was. Until now. Now I know exactly what it is. It is the deeply held belief that if I stand in my truth, I am not a nice person. I am not a “good girl”. I am a troublemaker. This also goes along with the other belief I thought was true. The belief that tells me I am assumed bad and I must try to convince people of my inherent goodness. I am using the terms good/bad here just for reference points. I don’t really believe in the terms good/bad as they are used in our society. But that’s for another post. I wrote about it hereAnyway, I came to realize that my automatic reaction to someone who is criticizing me or judging me is to try to defend myself. I am grateful that I am able to observe myself now rather than get sucked into the old belief.

this nagging feeling

What I didn’t realize before now is that no matter what I say, I will never be seen for who I really am as long as I am not complying with their wishes. In other words, if I don’t continue doing things “the way we have always done them”, I will be seen in a way that benefits them. It makes so much sense to me now as to why I was so harsh on myself. When a person has to constantly defend their own truth, the negative can very well start seeping into their core. Especially if this way of being has been years in the making. Thankfully, I started down the road to self-love a few years ago, and I do love myself now, which feels so freeing! However, I hadn’t realized exactly what this nagging feeling was that continued to hang around. When I chose to set boundaries instead of going back to business as usual, this  old way of being came to light. I saw very clearly that I had been conditioned to believe I am a bad person if I voice beliefs that don’t follow protocol, so to speak. If I speak out against the things that hurt my heart or hurt others, I am labeled a troublemaker or someone who is weak or selfish.

 I stand up for what I believe in

I don’t want to be the good little girl anymore. And I stopped being that girl a few years ago. This does not mean I am a bad person. This doesn’t mean I think my way is better than someone else’s way.  This means I stand up for what I believe in and I follow my heart, even if it goes against what others may believe. Being a good girl meant that I followed what others wanted me to do. Being a good girl meant that I shut off my own needs and my own voice so that others could remain in their own stories. I was a good girl so that others could stay comfortable. Thankfully, that girl gets a rest now. She has my love and compassion, but she is no longer choosing the familiar way. The familiar way led me to a deep dark hole of depression. If I would have stayed in the “safe zone” of continuing to be the good little girl, I would not be in a very healthy place right now. I finally broke free. I finally stopped being the good little girl who tried to meet everyone else’s needs while starving myself in the process.

To just merely exist is not living

When I realized how starved I was, I began down the path to self-love. I thought I was being “good” by always taking other people’s needs into account before my own. I didn’t know a different way existed. Until I learned another way. I learned to nurture myself and to love myself. I learned that taking care of me did not mean I would ignore everyone else. It meant that I matter, my needs matter, and I will follow my truth. I learned that yes,I was born for a reason, and it is my duty to figure out why I am here. To just merely exist is not living. I was not fully alive until I began listening to and trusting my heart. If we were all to take care of our internal emotional wounding, and learn that we are important and we deserve our own love, the whole world would change. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. The more we heal our wounds, the more we are available to really authentically help others. We would no longer help others from a place of obligation; we would help them because we have room in our hearts to fully, authentically help them. So, I choose being an authentic, loving woman, and I let that good little girl have a very long rest.

 

This is so beautiful…gratitude.

 

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs,with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”~Iyanla Vanzant

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Taking back your power from depression

Written by Amie on February 6, 2012 – 1:20 am -

You are love….you have the answers you need right inside you…..dig through the old lies and stories to rediscover the truth you were born with…..you are a beautiful soul…..you deserve to be here…..you deserve to feel joy every day……let go of the old stuff you have carried around for years…..question every single thing you tell yourself…..only keep it if you know it to be 100% true….that means you have to prove that it is true! Do something for yourself that feels good…right now….tell yourself you are falling in love with…..YOU! 🙂

You have power!

Okay, here we go…….I have been having a bit of trouble writing lately because there is a tiny part of me that does not want to own my true power. I am right on the edge of stepping 100% into who I truly am. What am I afraid of? I am a tiny bit afraid of being seen as a “know it all”. Honestly, that is my truth right now. Up until a few years ago, I played small. I played the game of pretend….pretending I didn’t have power inside me….pretending I didn’t know how powerful I really am. When I say powerful, I do not mean this in an ego-based way….I am talking about the power every single one of us has because we are all a part of the same source. The only problem is, so many of us either do not recognize it, do not own it, or choose to keep it hidden. This is sad. Instead, most people are taught to play small; to go along with the crowd so as not to “make waves”. That was me. Until now.

threshold of fear

Here I go….I am stepping over that tiny threshold of fear, and letting go of the untrue thought that people will think I am a know it all. Even if someone does think that, it really isn’t about me, it is about them. I want to share with you what I *know* for certain. When I was severely depressed, this message most likely would not have made a difference to me, so I understand if this does not resonate with you *right now*. This is what I have come to know without an ounce of doubt and I want to share it with each and every person I come into contact with. Maybe you already know this and feel this deep in your bones. I pray that you do!!! I began the journey of learning this message after my kids were born. However, I did not *feel* it so deeply until the last year or so. If I could explain to you how I felt at the beginning of this journey, and how I feel now….you would be utterly amazed beyond words. I know I am. I came back to the truth that I know we are all born with.

So, this is what I know. These words are not mine. I just happen to be the conduit for them.

blaming others 

Depression is your soul’s way of trying to wake you up to remember your truth. I know I have said this before, but I must keep repeating it. Depression is your soul’s way of screaming (gently!) to you to please come back to realize you are magnificent. One reason you are feeling so badly about yourself is because you bought into (innocently)the nonsense that people who were supposed to love and protect you, either told you, or showed you, via their actions. This is not the fault of anyone. They were taught the same lessons they passed on to you, and for whatever reason, it was not their time to wake up and realize how dysfunctional their behaviors were. Many people have very sensitive souls. If this is the case for you, it was even more difficult for you to be with dysfunctional people in your life. Your soul was screaming out your truth, and this truth was shut down by dysfunctional people and/or a dysfunctional society. You learned to hide. If we stay hidden for too long, we have no choice but to shut down the truth that we were born with.

learning to take back your power

I am not saying all of this so you can blame your depression on someone else. That is not my message here. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Your life experiences made you the perfect soul you are today. I am telling you this to encourage you to take back your power. When you allow yourself to see and feel the pain and hurt you have endured in your life, you automatically take back the power that was taken from you. Each time you question something you were taught to believe, you gain back power.  The more you question, the more you gain your power back. I am telling you this so that you can understand why you may be hating yourself right now. Your soul is weighted down with self-hate messages that are just plain lies. When you believe the self-hate, you can’t function in your truth. You are fighting against self-hate. The way to get out of depression is to start loving yourself. And, please believe me, I understand this does not always happen overnight. I say “not always”, because I want to leave the possibility open for you to believe it actually *can* happen overnight. Self-love begins when you start listening to and questioning the voices and messages in your head. Replace the lies with the truth. The truth is, every single one of us is here to give and receive unconditional love.

we are all mirrors for each other

We are here to see the beauty in each and every living being we come into contact with. Each being we come into contact with is a mirror for us. Each being has a part of us in them. We are all a part of each other. What I dislike in another person, I also dislike in myself. What I love in another, I love in myself. What irritates me in another, also irritates me in myself. This is a difficult pill to swallow sometimes, but it is the truth. Once we can see ourselves in every single living person/animal/flower etc., we will know unconditional love and we are free. Start by looking at every thought that goes through your mind….every reaction you have……every belief you have…..every choice you make…..and then question it…..while always being as gentle with yourself as you would be with a young baby. Nurture yourself by allowing your truth to surface without judging it. Replace the self-hate with a loving thought, even if it doesn’t feel true right now.

 

You are love….you have the answers you need right inside you…..dig through the old lies and stories to re-discover the truth you were born with…..you are a beautiful soul…..you deserve to be here…..you deserve to feel joy every day……let go of the old stuff you have carried around for years…..question every single thing you tell yourself…..only keep it if you know it to be 100% true….that means you have to prove that it is true! Do something for yourself that feels good…right now….tell yourself you are falling in love with…..YOU! 🙂

 

 

 

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