I soothe my pain and I comfort my grief

Written by Amie on January 27, 2014 – 2:01 am -

the little girl 

I wonder how many times I have said to myself that I have let go of hoping things could be different. I think I let go, and then a wave of grief hits to remind me I am human. So I go deeper, deeper into the pain that still lingers at times. I feel. I feel. I feel. And it is painful. Each time I allow myself to feel the deeper pain, I heal that much more. I remember to parent myself. I say things to myself that I wish I would have heard as a little girl. I say the things that remind me I am loved and cared for even if it doesn’t look like what I thought it would look like. I feel and I release the disappointment that there are some people who will never realize the hurt they have caused. I feel the sadness that some people choose to perpetuate the very same behaviors from the past that continue to cause others pain in the present. I nurture myself in the way that soothes the longing just a little bit. I soothe my pain and I comfort my grief. I comfort and protect the little girl within my heart who still wishes for things to be different.  The little girl who wishes she could remember a time when she felt safe as a child. Safe to express who she really was. The little girl who knew she would be protected no matter what. The little girl who always wished to feel adored, who wished for encouragement to be strong and carefree. The little girl who learned to take care of others before herself. The little girl who learned to do things for herself because that was the only choice. The little girl who took everybody else’s needs into account and completely forgot about her own. The little girl who had no idea what healthy meant.

Little Girl Holding Kitten

 she is me and I am her

I keep the little girl tucked safely in my heart. She is free to be who she really is. She is safe. She is protected. She is beautiful and worthy of love. She is my sweet baby girl. She is no longer a victim. She has me now, to support, encourage, protect, love, care for, and cherish her. She doesn’t have to worry anymore about not getting her needs met. She doesn’t have to worry anymore about being taken advantage of. She doesn’t have to hide her true self in hopes that her false self will be loved and accepted. She is safe, strong, capable, wild, free, happy, loved, loving, cherished, capable, worthy, heard, seen, expressive, and she is me. And I am her. We are a team. She will always be safe in my care.

 we all have our own journeys; this is mine and that is theirs

My little girl and I are no longer victims. We get to choose who has the honor of being an important part of our life. My little girl and I decide what we want to do, what feeds our soul, who we want to play with, who we want to talk to, who we want to love, and who is trusted to love us. I own my life, both past and present. I express from my truth. And…..there are times when I just need to feel sad and grieve for what I wish I had. Grieve for the people who choose to look the other way rather than own up to their behaviors. And come back to the understanding that we all have our own journeys; this is mine and that is theirs. And still I allow myself to feel the real feelings that surface when they need to. This is how I own my journey. I accept my path, I accept theirs, and I honor my feelings and my truth. I nurture myself and I take good care of my little girl within.

the more at peace I am

If I am to continue feeling alive and healthy, I must let the little girl in me express herself and I must assure her that she is safe. I do this by practicing self-love and self-nurturing. I nurture myself by nurturing my little girl. Everybody has their own journey, and even though my little girl didn’t receive the love and nurture she needed, I am still very grateful for my life and my experiences. I continue to release the sadness, the grief, the longing; while at the same time I own my life and my experiences. The more I own my truth, the deeper into my soul I am able to go. The deeper I go, the more authentic I am and the more at peace I am. I wouldn’t be who I am, doing what I am doing if it weren’t for my experiences. I know without a doubt, I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and letting go more and more each moment. I am loved. And so are you. Always.

 

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Posted in Depression, Grief and dying, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 6 Comments »

Breaking dysfunctional patterns

Written by Amie on February 13, 2013 – 2:39 am -

when you know better, you do better

It is quite amazing to me how patterns are ingrained in us, both healthy and not so healthy. I suppose the saying, “humans are creatures of habit” holds true in many situations. I have grown and changed and have become happier in my life than ever before. Yet, some people in my life who say they care about me, want me to go back to the way I was when I was depressed! They want me to join them and be that “creature of habit”.  I understand why. The way I used to be is the way they still are. It is familiar to them. The way I was back then was compliant. I went along with the dysfunction because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better. As Maya Angelou says, “when you know better, you do better.” I find this to be very true. I know a happier, healthier way of living, and so I choose to live that way. It doesn’t mean I think my way is better than someone else’s. It doesn’t mean I expect people to change. It doesn’t mean I think I am right and you are wrong. But what it does mean is that I no longer accept dysfunctional, toxic behavior. It has no place in my life, no matter how long it has “been in place.” I will not be around those who live this way. Period. It means I have found peace and healing in my life. And it feels really damn good.

 the process of self reflection and truth finding

I think the universe is testing me right now. Testing me to make sure I understand that I never want to go back to that unhealthy way of living. Ever. I am being confronted with people who make up lies to try to make me look bad to others, tell me I am mean, tell me that I think I am better, I lie, I don’t know unconditional love, I wish bad things for other people, I live in the past….I could go on and on with the list. All of these things being said because they say, “you have changed”. Yes, I have changed, and yes, I am healthy now. A few years back, I may have taken their words to heart and believed them. Then I would have turned these words against myself. But, no more. It feels so good to say that! I can let the words roll off of me and move on. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel deeply sad about losing people I care about. I do. I feel sad beyond words. But, at this point in time, I don’t see any other way. I can’t be around behavior that isn’t for my highest good. I feel sad that every single person isn’t healing and letting go of wounds that have been inflicted upon them that affect them every day. The capability is available to all of us, but it takes courage and determination to begin the process of self reflection and truth finding. But, again, I understand, and I have compassion. I have hope. I have to. To not have hope is to give up on people, and that I will not do. This doesn’t mean I have to interact with them, and it doesn’t mean I have to accept their unhealthy behavior. I can love them from a far and wish them good health and healing. So that is what I do. That is not what they think I am doing, but I am okay with that as well. I can only control myself and my own actions. I know my intention, and it is always for the good of all people. When I stand up for myself, it doesn’t mean I am being disrespectful, it means I am stating my truth. And this is healthy. And it breaks patterns while also making some people uncomfortable. Sometimes being uncomfortable is the beginning of a healthy journey.

I am free. I am free. I am free

This whole process of finding my truth and of letting go of patterns and people that no longer serve my highest good is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. But also at the same time, it is the most freeing. I finally feel the freedom to let go of the negative patterns that resulted in severe depression.  I am free to let go of the negative energy brought on by unhealthy behavior. I am free to say no to things that feel bad to me. I am free. I am free. I am free. I am free to acknowledge how incredibly connected I feel to every single person, even those who I am letting go. I am free to see myself in everyone. I am free to speak what is true for me and what I will not tolerate. And I have no feelings of guilt attached! I am free to be who I was truly born to be. I am free to let go of the baggage that was handed down to me through generations. Baggage that never belonged to me in the first place. I stand tall and I am free to be proud of who I discovered buried deep under the dysfunction. And most of all, I am free to say I love myself completely and unconditionally, and I am very proud of that. This freedom is available to everyone, right in this moment. Becoming aware of the behavior is the first step. It is not easy bucking the system that has been in place for years, but it is the best feeling in the world knowing you are shining exactly how you were born to shine. Every single time we stand up for what we believe, we are nurturing ourselves, and this is always a good thing.

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself | 1 Comment »
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