Connections that end; and boundaries

Written by Amie on August 31, 2015 – 2:33 am -

Moving on when we need to

Some days it is hard for me to understand why things happen as they do. One thing I have been pondering lately is why we are connected to the people we are connected to on this journey of life. I believe some people are meant to be in our lives for the “long haul” ,so to speak, some are meant to be for a shorter duration, and some maybe just very briefly. Since becoming more consciously aware, I am able to see how the universe makes it pretty clear when it is time to move on from a connection with someone. Years ago, I would have tried to do anything, (mostly making myself miserable) to keep those in my life who I *thought* were supposed to be. And when I say “supposed to be”, I mean they had been in my life up to that point, so why should that change?

It doesn’t feel *bad*, it feels complete

I am noticing how different it feels to me these days when I don’t feel the same connection with people that I assumed would be in my life either for the duration, or at least for a very long time. I really notice in my body how the connection feels complete, as if saying, yes, this connection has served its purpose. It feels like we have done what we needed to do in order to grow our souls, and it is time to move on. It doesn’t feel *bad* to me. It feels complete. And, I just find it really interesting. I have also noticed that the ending of connections may also happen when we discover new boundaries within ourselves. We discover that certain things about a connection which may have been okay before, are no longer feeling good. I know what feels good to me in a connection with a person, and I know what I do not want in a connection. Depending on the connection, it may take a bit longer to tie up loose ends so to speak, but sometimes it is just a clean, clear-cut ending, due to either new discoveries or just that the connection has served its purpose.

talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk

In terms of boundaries, I know what I will no longer tolerate in my life in terms of a deep connection. I know I will not be in close connection with those who do not value who I am, all parts of who I am. I know I will not be in close connection with those who give the vibe that they are merely tolerating me. I will not be in close connection with those who do not value equal rights for all people. I will not be in close connection with those who do not speak up on my behalf if the situation calls for it. I will not be in connection with those who believe they deserve more or better than other people deserve. I will not be in close connection with those who will not own their truth. (this one can be a bit blurry sometimes because many people are not conscious enough yet to see this in themselves, or they aren’t able to acknowledge it in themselves). However, there is a big difference between not seeing their truth clearly, and wanting to deny the truth for one’s own benefit.If there is one thing I know right now for sure, it is that I want to limit my connections (as much as I possibly can without becoming a hermit) to those who say they are a certain way, but their actions say something very different.

We are all learning

And with that, I want to also say, that I completely understand we are all in different places in this life journey. I remember when I would talk the talk and not walk the walk. I was then, and I am now, still learning. We all are. I just know, that for me, I have to trust that someone I choose to reveal my truth, my soul, my heart to, is willing to do the same with me. It is very telling when someone is only willing to open up so far, but will easily focus on others’ issues and struggles, or on their own accomplishments and successes. I just know that I no longer choose to be in deep connection with those who aren’t willing to reveal their own struggles, mistakes, and wounds. I want to be in connection with those who put consciousness, authenticity, and inner self work as a top priority.

Setting boundaries

I understand why people may be reluctant to show themselves authentically, and I still choose to limit the connection. Most of my life was spent trying to decipher if those close to me truly cared about me, and if what they were saying to me was truth or if it was manipulation or narcissistic behavior. So, I have put in my time, and I am no longer willing to be in deep connection with those not willing to show their deep truth. And after years of healing from dysfunctional connections, I am done with connections that don’t feel authentic. This is a boundary for me. And I am done with those connections where I no longer feel healthy support. Everyone has their limitations, and for each of us to be healthy, we must decide what connections feel nurturing and authentic, and which ones don’t. The universe will help you see if you take the time to go inside yourself to listen. Take care of yourself no matter what!

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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Healing & personal growth, Nurture yourself | 3 Comments »

Nurturing yourself takes practice; learning self-love

Written by Amie on January 17, 2014 – 3:22 am -

You won’t have to try so hard

Learning self-love and self nurture takes practice. Loving and nurturing yourself doesn’t mean you have to forget everyone else in your life. It just means that you begin being kind to yourself internally and you begin taking your own needs and feelings into account. This is not done by “thinking positive” or by avoiding “negative” things. Yes, it helps to think positive and it helps to avoid negative situations whenever possible. However, usually when someone says, “think positive”, this means ignore your truth and pretend as though everything is great! This creates resentment, self-hate, and more dysfunction. The first step to creating a life that feels positive is to learn self-love and self-nurture. Once you begin loving yourself, you will automatically think positive and avoid negativity. You won’t have to try so hard. I don’t want to make it sound like learning to love yourself is simple and it happens overnight. Mostly, that doesn’t happen. It is a process of “unlearning” conditioned thoughts and beliefs, and then discovering your true thoughts and beliefs.

The root of self love

Once you begin discovering your true beliefs, things will start to fall into place. You will not want to be around people who tell you to ,”just think positive! Stop dwelling on the negative and maybe you won’t feel depressed”, or “do something fun for yourself and that might help you feel happy”. None of these work long term. The root of self love is pure acceptance of who you really are at your core. Pure acceptance of who you really are means you voice your truth, you own your experiences, you inquire into what your conditioned beliefs are and your question everything! Self-love happens gradually as you begin discovering and revealing your truth. Self-love will gradually happen as you begin uncovering the conditioned beliefs that are at the root of self-hate.

Self-hate is an accumulation of traumas, conditioned beliefs, unhealthy messages received both verbally and non-verbally, dysfunctional environments, lack of feeling safe, lack of being nurtured, not feeling free to be who you really are, not feeling safe to voice your needs, and many others possibilities depending on your situation. We are not born hating ourselves, we learn to hate ourselves because of the situations mentioned above. Learning self-love means undoing all of these learned dysfunctions.

How to begin the process of self- love?

To begin the process of learning to love yourself, you must first own your experience. You most definitely were not responsible for the negative situations that happened to you. However, this is YOUR life, and in order to learn to love yourself, you must own it. All of it. Is this easy? No! Does this mean you shouldn’t feel angry? Absolutely not! Anger is usually a huge part of the process of healing. Once you allow yourself to feel what is underneath the anger, you start getting to those things I mentioned above. You start questioning your beliefs that were given to you. You truly are allowed to feel your feelings! Depression and self hate will stay with you as long as you keep denying your truth. Its okay to feel angry! It is what you do with your anger that is important. Learn to get underneath the anger. What is really under the anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Fear? Journaling can be helpful in this situation. Owning your experience may include allowing yourself to become angry with those who wronged you. (This does not mean you have to confront them, unless you feel it would help your process. But most of the time, there are other ways to get through this without having to confront them. If the people who wronged you are still in a dysfunctional state, you may end up more hurt by speaking to them, because they are not going to be able to really “hear you”. ) Most people have great intentions, sometimes they are just not capable of giving the love others need. I have compassion for them, I really do. But, this absolutely does not mean I don’t have a right to heal by going through the process of being angry. Going through it is the only way to heal, in my opinion. Once you get through the anger, it can be released and you can move on.

your nurturing guidance

Once you own your experience, you can begin practicing other ways to love yourself. This will feel “weird” for awhile, but that is only because it is different and you aren’t used to it. Let it be “your little secret”. You don’t have to tell anyone what you are doing unless you trust that they will accept you exactly as you are. One very ¬†important step in learning to love yourself is cultivating a loving, gentle voice inside you. This voice only speaks love and gentleness to you. It is your nurturing guidance. If you are upset, use this voice to comfort yourself. This takes practice! And it takes time and practice to even remember to do it! Other ways to practice self-love are to learn to meditate. This will connect you with the loving presence that is always available to you. Learn to sit in silence. Make a list of activities or things you have always loved but never allow yourself to make time to do. Do these things as often as possible, even when that conditioned voice inside is saying you don’t deserve to take time to do something you love. If the voice of self-hate pops in, tell it no thank you, I got this one! Journal every day. If you are afraid someone will find it, just promise yourself that after you write, you will burn it or throw it away, and then do that. This cultivates self-trust. Very important.

begin your journey to self-love

It is unfortunate that most people have to learn how to love themselves, but this is where we are, so there is less suffering if we accept it, and then own what we need to do in order to heal. It is possible to love yourself, I promise! It takes time, gentleness, patience, acceptance, and practice, practice, practice! The more you listen to what is going on in your thoughts and you question where they come from, the easier it will get for you to begin to change them. It helps me to sing (or scream sing!), dance, move, exercise…anything that will help me feel the sensation (emotions) in my body and release them. It helps to remind yourself that you are absolutely not a victim any longer! You are your own best friend, you are loved no matter what, always, and you are capable of undoing the conditioned junk that you learned. Nurturing yourself will become second nature once you become aware, and begin your journey to self-love.

 

I absolutely love this song right now! Let your truth be heard!!

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Nurture yourself, Self hate, Self-love | 2 Comments »
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