Meditation and connection to my truth

Written by Amie on December 8, 2009 – 1:40 am -

I professed to know myself

It is rare that I miss a day of meditation. I feel as though a part of me is missing if I happen to miss a day. I really believe that meditation has been one of the most important tools in recovering from depression. My depression was severe because of so many things, but the main one was the fact that I was completely cut off from my inner self. I always professed to “know myself”. Boy was that a mistake! I had no connection with the quiet voice inside me. Therefore, I was basically a body walking around going through the motions of being alive. There were times when I was connected in with those around me of course; my husband, my children etc. But, I was pretty much cut off from myself and my truth.

child-meditating

Stay busy to avoid feeling

I think this is true for so many people. Many people learn to shut down their connection because it becomes too painful to leave the connection open. They start becoming who they believe they are supposed to be. Many people keep themselves so busy because it is scary to think of spending quiet time alone. If we are quiet with ourselves, our truth starts to emerge, and many things may be revealed that had been forgotten. It is not always easy work, but it is necessary if you are to heal from depression. We must become attentive to what is going on within us. Honestly, when I first started down this healing path, I heard people talking about their needs, desires, and their discoveries about their truth. This sounded like they were speaking a language I had never heard.

Will fireworks go off when I meditate?

When I started meditating, I expected huge things to happen. I thought I would have these incredible insights every time I decided to meditate. Heck, I didn’t have a clue how to meditate. I sat and waited, resisting my thoughts, pushing them away. So, of course it felt as thought I was at war with myself. That didn’t feel good. I would give up and then come back a few weeks later to try again. Meditation is being with yourself, listening. It doesn’t have to be a war, but sometimes it is. The more I meditate, the quieter my mind is. I keep reminding my mind that I am giving it time to rest. After all, it works triple time on some days!

A sense of connection

Lately, my meditations are deeper, and I am able to sense a connection that gives me information. There were many times I felt angry that I didn’t sense this connection. When I let go of my expectation for a certain outcome, things got much better. When I allow myself time to just be, things go better. I feel a deep reassurance that I am OK. It feels good. I believe that meditation is an innate need we all have. I also believe that each individual will begin meditating when the time is right. Not everyone is ready to spend time in quiet with themselves each day. I just know that in my experience, it is one of the best tools I have in my toolbox, and it has helped me more than words can say.

Check out Osho’s book called From Medication to Meditation, or Nothing Happens Next by Cheri Huber, or Present Moment Wonderful Moment by Thich Nhat Hanh just to name a few.

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It’s OK not to know, and the cycles of depression

Written by Amie on October 27, 2009 – 12:48 am -

A light at the other end of the tunnel

For about the last week or so, I have felt as though I might be losing my mind! I have not felt this down in quite awhile. I was not able to clear my head as well as usual, but I am finally seeing the light at the other end of the tunnel. Once I allowed myself to just let my emotions flow, without having to know exactly what was going on, I felt relief. I cried a lot and just felt at peace with my sadness, anger, frustration, and every other emotion coursing through me! I felt freedom once I reminded myself to just “be”, just let myself sit and be with my truth. I was trying so hard to push my feelings away rather than just let them be. Sometimes I forget to do this. I get caught up in the “what in the heck is wrong with me, why am I feeling so crappy, what happened, what am I doing different, I was just feeling good a few days ago, I wish these feelings would just go away, I thought I was over this, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, what is going on with me……” and the list goes on. Until, I allow myself to just accept that I feel bad. I remind myself that I am having emotions, and it doesn’t matter why. I can just allow them and they will eventually pass through. “This too shall pass!” Man, that is hard to remember when I am in the muck!

Extreme Compassion

Each time this happens, and I “fall off my cloud” of joyful bliss, I forget about giving myself a break. I forget to be gentle on myself and to treat myself with extreme compassion. Instead, my mind goes places that are the opposite of compassion. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders; I was convinced  I would never feel good again, that everything was wrong with me. All of the messages I thought were in the past came back for a visit. I guess they were still lurking, just waiting for the opportune time to strike! It is amazing to me how it is like a switch goes off and I feel so much better once I treat myself with compassion and once I allow myself to just be with my emotions. When I am holding my emotions hostage, I become a hostage. If I don’t allow them to flow, I am stuck. My head feels clogged up and I am stuck in a place that feels as though I am hovering. I am not present in my body at all. This makes me feel lost, which makes me think I will never feel better.My mind gets stuck in a loop playing the hateful messages that convince me of their truth.

I have no idea why I feel angry

I gave myself permission to feel angry. I didn’t realize I wasn’t giving myself permission. Once I said it out loud to myself, “it is safe and it is OK to feel your anger”, I felt a strong release. I am still not sure why I was angry, but I am OK with that too. Sometime I might figure it out, but maybe not. I’m OK with not knowing. Spending time trying to figure out why, kept me stuck in a low place. My mind likes to go to that place of thinking that if I know “why” I feel a certain way then that will make things right. Huh? I get completely convinced I must know all the answers. If I don’t know the answer, then of course my mind tells me that something is wrong with me! Yikes! It really amazes me how I can be going along on a happy joyful ride, and then wake up one morning and feel like I would like nothing more than to smash my head against the wall. I would never really do that, but it expresses the pain I feel. I just want it to go away! I become a dog chasing my tail in a circle, never quite catching up.

Shut Up!!

After a few days of this, my true self made a tiny peep, or maybe I finally just acknowledged it. At first I told it to shut up and leave me alone! It kept trying, I kept pushing it away. It was trying to tell me to please be compassionate with myself, please wrap myself up in a hug and tell myself  I am OK, please remind myself  that there is nothing wrong with me. After awhile, I decided to listen. I decided to give myself  just an ounce of self-love. A few years ago, I couldn’t do this. Self-love was not even on my radar. Now I am aware of self-love. Now that I am aware of the fact that the hateful thoughts  telling me I am bad and messed up are just plain lies, I am able to come back out of the dark hole to climb back up on the wagon.

Hop On The Wagon!

200706230813430.wagon ride  8

Not sure why this picture struck me, but it did. I don’t have to know why, do I?! I love that the child is pulling the wagon. A symbol of the inner child pulling the big child along…..I don’t know…it is also adorable, so that’s enough in itself.

Nurture me, please

Once I climbed back up, I was able to see that I needed to be treated like a newborn baby. I needed nurturing, understanding, love, acceptance, and compassion. It is interesting, because right after I became aware of that little voice of inner truth, I started watching my thoughts again. I noticed how I tried to tell myself  I needed someone else to nurture me, understand me, accept me, love me, and be compassionate with me. Maybe I needed that too. However, when my tears came falling down,and a loud  but gentle message came through saying, “please be compassionate with me, love me, nurture me, accept me, just be with me,” I knew it was ME that needed to do all of these things for myself  first. Once again, I had to come back to self-love.

Cycles of Depression

I was reminded of the cycle that my depression has started to follow. When I first started down the path to healing, I had 95% of my days being bad. Then, very slowly, I began to have a few more days here and there. Then, things would come crashing down on me again, and I would feel buried for awhile. For awhile now, (I kind of lose track of time), I have had about 85% good days, with a few bad ones. I had forgotten about the “things come crashing down on me again” phase! Lately my “bad days” were just slightly uncomfortable, not like this! So, this threw me. I am working on getting to a place of feeling grateful for these dark times. They allow me to step back and see how far I’ve come. I feel so grateful for my good days! When I am in the dark muck, I try to tell myself I am right back to the beginning, but then the cycle comes to an end, and I am reminded of the truth! I am exactly where I am supposed to be! But damn, why does that place have to be so uncomfortable? There I go asking why! Who cares why?!  Ugh…….not me?! (grin)


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