letting go; it is a process

Written by Amie on March 26, 2014 – 3:14 am -

bypassing old protective programming

It seems as though there are endless opportunities to practice letting go of the things that can’t be the way I want them to be. It is so interesting to me when I *know* something intellectually, but it isn’t quite resonating with me in my body emotionally. For example, in my life right now there are a few people who I really wish would *wake up*. I am not saying this in a judgmental way. Not at all. I’m saying that I wish they would have that “a-ha” moment when they realize how much they have hurt people they love, including me. The moment when their heart bypasses their old protective programming and their  human vulnerability comes  forward. I find myself wanting to tell them how hurtful their words and actions have been, but I know my feelings will be dismissed and I will be told I am angry and hateful. It is frustrating and very sad that we can’t have a conversation as people who, on some deep level, care about each other. On some deep level, beyond the defensiveness and the conditioned beliefs we have learned, lie two souls who just want to be loved and connected.

charge-hug

 I was closed up tight

It sounds so simple when I look at it from this point of view. I honestly believe it could be simple, but only if all parties are willing to put aside their armor, and just express their truth. Instead, I have to keep my boundaries, otherwise I continually get hurt. I understand exactly where they are coming from. I remember wearing my armor so tight that nothing could get in. I couldn’t admit to a mistake, I couldn’t admit I needed something, I couldn’t admit I was hurting. I was closed up tight. And this is why it is so difficult for me. I understand exactly where they are coming from, and at the same time, I crave an authentic connection with them that will never be unless they become conscious of their own wounds and begin to heal. It is contrast at every turn for me. I am not the same person they used to know. I am who I was born to be now. So I don’t relate in the same ways to people anymore. It is difficult to be around the old behaviors. It is difficult to be around the dysfunction, that in the past, had intensified my self hate.

focus on *how I feel* in a situation

I used to think something was terribly wrong with me because I felt one thing in my body, while at the same time, I was told a completely different truth. (It was a way to keep the facade going that everything was perfect and wonderful) I couldn’t figure out the inconsistent feelings for a very long time. I have since learned to focus on *how I feel* in a situation, not what someone else tells me is true. Trusting how I feel has been, and still is a difficult practice for me. Some days it clicks and I trust without a problem. Other times I question every single thing people say and do, and I doubt my gut feelings. I’m getting there, albeit slowly. It is a re-learning, it is a process. It is still tricky for me sometimes when someone sends me a note with words that, years ago I would have thought, “this is nice’. (While also feeling crappy inside, and assuming its just me,  something is wrong with *me* if I can’t see that this person is being nice) I received a birthday card the other day, that appeared to be a birthday card, but was really an attempt at guilting me. To some, it may have been considered “nice”. However, I am able to translate, or decode words from people now. I know the patterns.

 unresolved emotional wounds

I always come back to this: why do I want to spend time with people who can only see themselves as victims. By this I mean no matter what is said, they turn it around as though they are being attacked. They reach out in the same manner  that  worked on me in the past. Guilt and shame got me every time. I would feel so guilty that I would never question the behavior of these people, and I would go back every single time. I would go back to living the dysfunction I felt familiar with. Until I started waking up and realizing my true self was completely buried. And slowly, I had to distance myself. Then a year ago, I had to draw even deeper boundaries. Here we are over a year later, and they not willing to look within themselves to see how their actions have hurt. Hurt deeply. Had I not begun the process of waking up, I would be hurt over and over again. Because each time they ignore the needs of others, the hurt is compounded. Each time they twist the truth, they cause deeper hurt. Each time they use guilt to try to persuade, they cut deeper. This is the part I have a hard time letting go of. The fact that they refuse to truly accept how their behavior affects those they claim to love. I am no longer a victim to this behavior. Yes, it is difficult to understand, but I also know its not about me. They are acting and speaking from their unresolved emotional wounds.

I know for sure

It gets easier for me to let go when I am reminded of just how dysfunctional this situation is. At the very beginning of this situation, when someone very close to me was hurt, nobody came to her to see how she was doing. Instead, they ran to the side of the person who did the hurting. This is when I know for sure I am doing the right thing. This is when I know for sure I am breaking the cycle, at least for my own family. And still, it is difficult to let go of the hope that things will ever be healthy. It is a process…..

Great clip with Brene Brown about having the courage to be vulnerable.

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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Self hate, Self-love | No Comments »

Giving a voice to depression

Written by Amie on June 1, 2011 – 1:33 pm -

A pill to make it go away

For years there was a nagging voice in my head that was saying “some day” you will be ready to speak up. I wasn’t ready until now. For the past few months I have been feeling better than I have ever felt in my life. It is so clear to me that healing from depression is a process. A process that unfolds exactly how it needs to unfold. You can’t rush it, you can’t take a pill to make it magically go away, you can’t push it away, you can’t wish it away. Our bodies are nothing short of a miracle. There is protection in place that will not allow us to push ourselves emotionally farther than we are ready to go. I am convinced of this. There is an unfolding in each of us. This is our journey. Depression leads to self love if we listen to it, give it a voice, and allow it to unfold as it needs to.

Life force

I have done so many things in order to grow through depression and to give my depression a voice. The things that have helped me the most are homeopathy, mind/body therapy, body movement, craniosacral therapy, and working on my throat chakra. So many other things have helped along the way, but right now, I would say these have been the most helpful. I have said it before, but homeopathy has really changed my life. I believe we are all energy, and homeopathy is an energy medicine. It stimulates our life force and assists the body in healing itself.

Shutting off your voice

Every time I shut down my voice, I prolong my depression and I shut off a part of my soul. Every single time. Depression will hang out with you until you are ready to give a voice to what is really true for you. You will do it when you are ready. But it is important to listen and to allow the voice to speak when your body is telling it to speak. It is a habit to shut yourself down. Somewhere along our journey we were taught that shutting off our own voice was what we needed to do in order to survive. It becomes a habit of protection. This is a great thing when we are young. It can keep us stuck when we are adults. Every single person has a right to speak what they feel and believe. Everyone, without question. We all have a right to be happy and to give and receive love. Everyone, without question. By not speaking up and giving a voice to our depression, we remain victims.

Throat chakra

For the past few months I have been focusing on my throat chakra. You might want to read about the chakras in our bodies. I won’t go into detail here. The throat chakra is located in the center of the throat and is linked to the ability to communicate. When we stop voicing out truth, the throat chakra gets blocked. When this happens, we have a difficult time speaking up for ourselves. So, the good news is that it can re-open! I have been going to craniosacral therapy which has helped so much. I also have two necklaces with stones that have the energy to help open the throat chakra. I practice saying what is true for me, out loud. This can be scary at first. It is great if you can say things to a person, but if you aren’t ready for that yet it is still helpful to say them out loud to yourself.

Depression is there for a reason

Depression can most definitely get better! I promise you that if you are willing to look around inside of yourself and allow your true feelings to come up, you can heal your depression. Depression is there for a reason….be grateful for it. I know, trust me, I know. That is not easy to do when you feel so badly that crawling under a rock to die peacefully sounds much better. I’ve been there many many times. But I am here to give you hope. It can and will get better if you are willing to accept who you really are and what is really true for you. It is a process. Let your feelings come and go. Let go of what you think things should look like. Be there for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. I promise you, you deserve joy and love and happiness. You can have that. Be willing to look inside yourself and be willing to voice what is really there. Become aware of what your mind is telling you….and be willing to question those things. Most of them have no truth. Awareness is the beginning of healing. Give a voice to depression. It is just hanging out waiting until you are ready. It will wait forever if need be. So, the sooner it gets a voice, the sooner it moves through.

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