The journey of looking within and learning to accept the capabilities of others

Written by Amie on May 1, 2012 – 10:33 pm -

Healing from the inside out; severe depression and unhappiness

I often wonder why some people decide to begin the journey of looking within themselves and others do not. I know in my case, my motivation was severe depression and pure unhappiness. Resentment, loneliness, and sadness were mixed in there as well. For me, it was a matter of survival. I knew if I didn’t find a way to change the way I was feeling, I may not make it. That’s the truth. The journey of looking within oneself is not easy. Questioning everything you ever thought to be true can be very scary. It can feel as though your whole life is changing and the world as you know it is no longer there. Both of these statements are true. Your world will change, sometimes drastically, and the world as you knew it will no longer be. I suppose this is the reason so many people never even step foot on the road to looking within. What these people will never know then, is that this journey is incredible! Healing from the inside out is the most rewarding experience and, in my opinion, one of the reasons we are here in these physical bodies. I don’t believe we are here to suffer and to feel miserable and angry. I believe we are here to discover the truth we were born with, and to feel infinite amounts of love. I think I am here and you are here, to discover that we *are* love, pure love, and that we are magnificent beings who are all attached to each other by a thread that connects us all.

it is a spiritual process

I know that at the beginning of my journey, I was unaware of  many possibilities and ideas. I had been repressing my feelings(my truth) for so long, I had no idea I was covering my true self up. I never knew to question who I was. Depression took over my life, and my feelings became unbearable. I knew something was very wrong. The way I felt could not possibly be as good as it gets.  I began looking for help. I signed up for a six week healing group for women. It opened my eyes to so many things about myself. It opened my heart in a way I had never experienced. Being with and learning from other women was a huge leap onto the path I continue on today. From this group I found my therapist, who is incredible. I believe she has been integral in my growth because she did and continues to do her own growth work. I believe a therapist can only take us as far along on our path to healing as they have gone on their own path. I believe this is why I went to several therapists before my current one, and left feeling just as bad as when I started! There is so much more to good therapy than just sitting there talking and listening. So much more. It is a spiritual process.

I made the choice to look at myself and to process the resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, and most importantly, to learn to *feel* my feelings

I have been on this path for quite a few years now. I can honestly say that my depression has been gone for awhile now. I believe this is because I made the choice to look at myself and to process the resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, and most importantly, to learn to *feel* my feelings. I processed so many emotions that had been stuck inside me. I acknowledged them, felt them, and then let them leave my body. Sometimes they would resurface, sometimes not. If they resurfaced, it meant I didn’t get it all out the first time, and this is okay! Little by little, my depression began to lift. Sometimes it was three steps forward, two steps back. This is part of the process. The habit of repressing your feelings(your truth), is not always simple to change, especially if you have been doing it most of your life. So, the important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself throughout the process. Even if the voice inside your head is self-hate, keep telling yourself, “I AM LOVE”. Even if that doesn’t feel true YET, keep saying it.

it is simply impossible for your “world” to be the same as it was before you started your journey

Once I started feeling better, I made the assumption that the relationships in my life would stay the same! I know, right? How could that be possible? Unless everyone in your life is also working on their own inner life, and growing along with you, it is simply impossible for your “world” to be the same as it was before you started your journey. So, this is where I had to learn about the capabilities of others. I couldn’t assume that because I was growing and changing, everyone else in my life would as well. This is very far from the truth. I had to learn to accept the fact that we are all on different growth time lines and paths. Our journeys all look different. Even when we end up in the same place, the journey to get there looks very different. Honestly, acknowledging the truth that some people in my life are not always capable(and I don’t mean this in a bad way, it is just where they are) of accepting where I am on my path was a difficult process for me. It was difficult to accept the fact that they are not capable of being emotionally available in a way I need them to be. For the most part, I have accepted this, and I find other ways to fulfill my needs. There are still times when I wish for things to be different. But things are as they are, and that is the truth in this moment. Accepting this truth has not been easy. If we continue to wish for someone to change, we prolong our own suffering. We are fighting against *what is*. I learned to accept what is true in each moment by allowing myself to feel my feelings about that truth. I had to feel the sadness and the disappointment of the truth that some people in my life are not capable right now to give me what I need. I had to feel the anger and the resentment of the truth that they are not able to see who I really am. I also had to let these people know how I was feeling about this fact. Once I was able to feel my truth, and say my truth I was able to get to the place of accepting what is true in this moment.

This is a short video (1:47)  talking about how we all share the same open secret:

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Depression as a gift and learning to stay in the moment

Written by Amie on January 12, 2012 – 7:57 pm -

depression was the best thing that happened to me 

I now know *for sure* that depression can be the greatest gift you will ever receive, if you make the choice to come back to your truth and express who you really are. In my opinion, and I think I have said this before, the majority of people walking around today are numb and are depressed. The people who are courageous and who are sick of feeling numb, are the ones who will recover and then go on to help others wake up. I know the consciousness of our planet is growing by leaps and bounds right now. Depression is the soul’s way of waking us up to the truth of who we really are. The truth is every single one of us is pure love. I know this without one doubt in my mind. We are all connected and we are all part of the whole. We all have pure love within us and we all have the capability to be full of joy. I really don’t even like the word depressed because it has such a negative connotation. I can honestly say depression was the best thing that happened to me because it forced me to find my true self. The true self I love unconditionally.

I didn’t know that being present in my life was another option

I want to write about my experience with learning how to stay in the moment. In the past, I didn’t understand what this meant. Even after I read the book, “The Power of Now”, I still don’t think I understood what it meant. I had been in my thinking mind for so long I didn’t know that being present in my life was another option. Once I began waking up and feeling more alive, I began to *really* understand what being present to my life really means. I am sort of “thinking out loud” here because at this point, I am not sure if I will be able to explain the feeling I have about this topic. I will begin by talking about why this topic feels alive in me right now.

everything that happens in my life is because it is what is supposed to be happening

For the past year or so, a certain *knowing* has become a part of who I am. That isn’t very clear, is it?! I will try to describe this feeling. It is a deep knowing I have that helps me trust that all is well. Everything is as it is, and will all work out for my greater good. I am not saying I won’t have disappointment and sadness etc. Everything that happens in my life is because it is what is supposed to be happening. I’m saying, for the most part, I no longer add my “stories” or commentary to situations and experiences. I follow what is happening without trying to analyze it or judge it to be right or wrong. The reason this feels alive in me today, however, is because my old conditioning came back to me in the past few days and I was reminded how it feels to become disconnected from this source of knowing. When I start analyzing a situation, trying to guess the outcome, or trying to figure out the reason behind something, I lose the connection from myself and this *knowing*. The mind (or the ego, or the pain-body) has an agenda to keep me in my conditioned pattern of staying out of the present moment. Just remember, this is something that takes practice if you have been living in the past or the future (in your mind) for a long period of time.

trying to distract myself from my truth or my feelings

When I go into the past or the future in my mind (or some people try to keep themselves so busy so as not to have time to feel), I am not living from my truth. I am living in a made up story with the intent to distract myself from my feelings. When I am distracted from my feelings, depression can very easily creep in and carry me back down. I haven’t been in a deep depression for quite awhile now, but I can feel the feeling in  my body of what I know to be the beginning of falling down into a deep dark hole. I am so grateful to be aware of this pattern. The minute I become aware of what I am doing (trying to distract myself from my truth or my feelings), I remind myself of what is happening, and I am able to come back to what is true.

how to bring yourself back to the moment

I must emphasize to you to please be gentle with yourself while learning this new skill. There are times when, in order to protect ourselves for one reason or another, we must distract ourselves. It is okay to do this if you need to. The important part is that you are aware of doing it. The more you allow yourself to stay in your truth and to be in the moment, you will need to distract yourself less and less. Also, when I talk about staying in the moment, this does not always mean trying to figure out *why* you were avoiding feeling or why you were distracting yourself. Let go of needing to know *why*, and just let yourself feel what is there in your body. The most important tool you have and that nobody can take away from you, is your breath. Breathing and paying attention to your breath will always bring you back to the moment. Practice this right now. Stop reading and just close your eyes and feel the air coming through your nostrils. Feel it flow back out. Now pay attention to your body sensations. Is your stomach tight? Were you holding your breath? Go back to “watching” the air move in and out of your nose. Focus on this. Release the tightness in your body…watch it flow out. Again, no need to figure anything out. Just be an observer. If you find yourself drifting off in your mind…be nice to yourself and say…I will start over. Then focus on the air moving in and out of your nose. If you want to add something to it, you can say to yourself…I am breathing in love (or peace, or whatever you want)….I am breathing out fear (or negativity, or whatever feels true for you).

for example, try this: “I am sitting on a chair”, or “my feet are feeling cold”

Another way to come back to the present moment is this: If you catch yourself doing the analyzing thing…just acknowledge it first…by saying…oops, I am distracting myself right now. Then, tell yourself what is real right now in the moment…for example…if your mind is saying something like, “oh my gosh, why in the world did that happen to me today, this is just crazy, unfair etc.” (and if your pain-body is as mean as mine used to be, it will go further into this: “I must have done something wrong…what is wrong with me…why would I do something so stupid?”) Sound familiar? That was all too common in my mind when I was in a deep depression. The way to start getting out of this conditioning is to state what is *really* true in the moment. Look around you and point out something that is indisputably true. For example, try this: “I am sitting on a chair, or, “my feet are feeling cold”, or, “I feel my toes moving in my socks.” (What is not true in the moment ,or ever for that matter, are the stories you have made up about why you are feeling bad. Test this theory by asking yourself to prove your story. Can you prove it without a doubt?) All of these things (the chair, your feet,etc) are happening in the present moment. This helps bring you back to right now, and then you can focus on your breath. Until a person becomes aware of their thoughts, it is nearly impossible to heal depression. Depression is alive in you because you are not living in your truth. Depression is the pain of your repressed emotions fighting against the truth of who you really are. Your repressed emotions cause an imbalance in your body. Depression happens because you are repressing the true essence of who you are. Shame and guilt keep your true essence from coming out because you were conditioned to hide your true self.

“When we understand that the ability to live with any situation is not in what happens, but in our relationship to ourselves and our own minds, we are free. Absolutely, breathtakingly free.” ~ Geneen Roth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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