you were conditioned to listen to everything *except* that voice inside yourself;self hate is not what you were born with

Written by Amie on July 26, 2012 – 1:35 pm -

we are taught to do many things, but being truthful about who we really are is not one of them

I am feeling the need to assure you that you are a very important part of the universe. You are connected to it. You are connected to every single soul, even during the times you are feeling completely alone and isolated. When I say important, what I mean is that the universe needs you to come alive. Otherwise ,we are missing a part of the whole.  I don’t mean just breathing, eating, talking, thinking. I mean awake to what is truly happening in your life. I mean being willing to look within to find your true self. Looking within to face yourself is not easy. It is hard work. Why is this? Because you have been conditioned away from doing this. You are taught to do many things, but being truthful about who you really are is not one of them. When you show who you are and others tell you (verbally or non verbally) it is inappropriate or not who they think you should be or who they *need* you to be, and you absorb that message over and over …..that’s when self hate comes in. This self hate becomes who you think you really are because it feels familiar.  You  learned this at a very young age most likely. Therefore, you believe it to be true, or “right”. When you expressed your needs as a child and then received a reaction of non-acceptance, you learned to try to be something else. You learned to act the part you needed to act in order to get along with those around you. This is the beginning of self hate, which is the beginning of shutting off your inner voice.

living in a bubble of self-hate 

I want to encourage you to listen to that inner voice, and to follow it. It is time. If you have been living in a bubble of self-hate and you have been labelled or have labelled yourself “depressed”, then you are not living in your truth. You are walking through life listening to external sources who are trying hard to keep everyone and everything the same. The definition of self hate is believing in the lies you have been conditioned with. It means being someone you’re not. It means following someone else’s dream of who you should be. It means doing things you absolutely hate because somehow you learned it is the “right” thing to do! It means saying NO to your inner voice. It means avoiding feeling your true feelings and emotions. It means avoiding your needs. It means continuing the shaming behavior  you were dealt when you voiced your truth or your needs. Having needs is normal and natural!!! You were shamed for having needs because the adults in your life were not capable or willing to meet you in your place of truth. You feel shame now because you are still believing in the lies that you were dealt. Being who you are is your birthright!!! Waking up in your life means being true to your soul’s purpose. Waking up and feeling the courage to go against what others want from you if what they want  doesn’t feel right in your soul. Waking up means listening to those inner voices of shame and telling them to go to hell!!! Those voices of shame and hate are NOT who you are, I promise you that. Those voices are the dysfunctions of families and societies and churches and cultures that keep getting handed down to children until we take responsibility to heal them and to stand up and change the bullshit beliefs we inherited!  

try not to label yourself 

There is no destination you need to get to. You are you, right in this moment. You can begin right now questioning who you are. Start by asking yourself the question, “who am I”? But I don’t want you to beat yourself up thinking you have to have the right answer because there isn’t a right answer. You are love, you are perfect exactly as you are. When you ponder this question, try not to label yourself with things such as, “I am a Mom/Dad”, or “I am a wife/husband”, or “I am a supervisor”. These aren’t who you are, they are just labels that make it easier to explain something to others. Who or what are you really? Be gentle on yourself with this. It is simply something to ponder, something that may help you open your heart just a bit in order to start seeing your truth. Self-hate feels very real. I was in it for years. I didn’t know to question it. I didn’t know that I was conditioned away from being who I was born to be. I didn’t understand that I was not being my authentic self and that this was why I hated myself. I beat myself up about everything. If I felt something other than what I had been conditioned to believe, I beat myself up. I thought I was bad for going against what I was taught to believe. In reality I now see that going against what I knew actually meant listening to who I really am. So, it is uncomfortable for awhile, I can assure you. When we change things up, our minds want to question it and make us doubt that what we are doing is “right”. Keep following your inner voice, even through the uncomfortable feelings. You will get to the place where your truth resides. It is in there, I promise you. Wading through the muck that isn’t your truth will get you to the clear waters of who you really are. Listen to that gut feeling you have about something you really want to do or something you really want to stop doing.

 Rebirth yourself in love

I need to say this again….you are connected to everyone and everything in the universe, and you are connected to the universe. You are a part of the whole. This means that you have the wisdom of the universe right inside you, right now! When you hear that small voice inside you that tells you what would be nice, this is your guidance from the universe. How can you tell the difference between the voice of self hate and the voice of the universe? Very simple. The universe gives you messages that feel loving, self hate gives you messages that are mean, scary, and hateful. Learning to listen to your inner guidance is the job at hand. Many of us have been conditioned to listen to others; listen to authority, listen to the “experts”, listen to what everyone is doing. You were conditioned to listen to everyone *except* that voice inside that is always connected to the universe, or your higher power, or whatever you choose to call it. We have been conditioned to feel bad when we listen to that voice. We have been conditioned to beat ourselves up when we go against what we are taught. This is where depression comes in. You are not in touch with your inner guide, therefore you are not open to the universe and the love that is waiting for you. You are here to experience love, and joy, and connection with others. There will be sadness, grief, hardship etc. When you are depressed, you are shut off to everything. When you are depressed, it means you are listening to the dysfunction, you are listening to the self hate which is the accumulation of untrue messages you were conditioned with. To begin to change this, you must question every single thought you have. If it is not kind and loving, it is not your inner guidance. So, talk back to it! Tell it thanks, but no thanks. And keep listening and questioning. Your birthright is love. Self hate is not what you were born with. Throw it out thought by thought and belief by belief. Rebirth yourself in love.

Gangaji  “your core message”

 

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Getting past the pretending to discover gratitude

Written by Amie on December 16, 2011 – 5:41 pm -

“When we understand that the ability to live with any situation is not in what happens, but in our relationship to ourselves and our own minds, we are free. Absolutely, breathtakingly free.” ~ Geneen Roth

 

I seemingly “had everything I needed”

When I was feeling depressed and hopeless, gratitude was very difficult for me to even consider. I did not feel grateful for much during that time, even though I seemingly “had everything I needed”. It made me feel guilty when I couldn’t get to the feeling of being grateful for everything I had. I thought I should be the most grateful person in the world. I used this as just another way to beat myself up. I would tell myself things like, “you should be grateful, how can you not be grateful? You have such an easy life.” Now that I am on the other side of depression, it is clear to me the pattern I followed my whole life. I kept pretending everything was okay. The pattern was set early in my life. “You have everything you need, so don’t complain. Just smile and get on with it!” I did this for most of my life. I did the things others expected of me, and lived my life in pretend land.

“if you can’t be happy in this situation, what is wrong with you?

I had even convinced myself I was happy. Then reality hit. My heart and soul would no longer agree with the lies my mind was telling me. My heart and soul started getting louder than my mind. Something was way off. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first. I tried to continue telling myself the lies that had worked up until this point. “You are so fortunate, you *should* be happy.” Then the voice of the judge took over to tell me how bad I was for wanting anything other than what I had, even happiness. “There is something terribly wrong with you if you can’t be happy in this situation, what is wrong with you?” On and on went the mean voices, trying to convince me *not to* explore any further. The mind does not like to be questioned. This is the ego, (or the “pain-body”, according to Eckhart Tolle) and it is very strong. Once I started questioning everything, my mind would try to push back against me, trying to convince me not to question my life. The mind (or ego, or pain-body) likes being comfortable; which means, “keep doing the same thing you have always done.” It really is like fighting a separate person for awhile. However, the more I kept questioning, the quieter and quieter my mind got. The more I questioned, the more I needed to process my feelings around the things I questioned. This doesn’t mean having to figure anything out. I just had to *feel* my feelings about the things that came up. There were times when I felt worse before I felt better, but slowly the mind started to quiet down.

don’t worry so much about “getting it right”

I sat down to write about gratitude today, so I am going to skip ahead to that now! I want you to know, I didn’t go from being completely depressed for years to suddenly feeling gratitude. I have written about my process in past posts, and will write about it in future ones. I know it can be very difficult to feel gratitude if you don’t love yourself. So, please be gentle on yourself if you are “trying” to feel gratitude but you don’t feel it is genuine. Just keep going through the exercise of thinking of things you *could possibly* be grateful for. Don’t worry so much about “getting it right”. There is no “right”. If something makes you feel good even for a split second, say to yourself, “I’m grateful for that”. Please, please, please don’t use this exercise as a way to beat yourself up. Everything in this process of waking up from depression is part of the journey. Nothing is right or wrong, it just “is”. So there is no need to try to do it right. Just be grateful for yourself in this moment, be grateful for your breath, be grateful that you can stand, or walk, or sit, or see….start with the seemingly “small” things that will at some point feel like the biggest, most important. Just say it and let it go…I’m grateful for…….the gift of……..YOU!

“fake it til you make it” 

The true feeling of gratitude will come in time. I now feel gratitude every single day. I really *feel* it in my body. I used to just say it, but not feel it. Now I feel it. I want to share with you what I do each day because it is so powerful in my life. In this case, I do agree with the “fake it til you make it” saying. I do think it is beneficial to find things to be grateful for each day, even if you can’t get to the feeling of it. Keep trying, but without judgment of yourself. So what if you can’t come up with anything except the blanket covering you right now. It’s all okay! One day, you will start feeling gratitude, and it will feel so good!

my process

Each day I sit down and write one whole page of what I am grateful for. I just make a list. Some days I have the same things as the day before, but I still write them out new each time. Some days I may have a completely new list. Some days I may have trouble coming up with a whole page, but I keep at it until I fill my page. And I always feel better when I finish. The other day I started writing the words, “I am grateful for, “the gift of” , instead of just writing the words, “I am grateful for”. I can’t believe the difference in how this felt in my body. Just adding the words “the gift of” made me feel even more grateful. It was amazing to me how different it felt to think in terms of receiving a gift. It was a new perspective to me. I feel surrounded by abundance. I receive so many gifts each day, every moment. Right now I am receiving the gift of connection, the gift of breath, the gift of sight, the gift of warmth, the gift of feeling vulnerable, the gift of the sweet taste of chocolate, etc etc. These are all gifts to be grateful for. I wanted to put this out there in case in helps you in your process. Let me know what you think!

***you are loved….you are perfect as you are…..I am grateful for the gift of your presence……all is well…..breathe…..receive the gift of yourself……you are love…..***

“Being Ourselves”

 

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