The breath and depression; breathing out of the dark place

Written by Amie on June 20, 2014 – 2:51 am -

 my own version of a private hell

I fell back into a deep dark place yesterday. A few days before this I could feel it coming on. It was pretty intense, and it caught me off guard in a way. I have had some days of feeling off, but not like I had at the beginning of this journey. I was feeling really hopeless. I tried very hard to just let the feeling be there. And for the most part I was able to do this. I was able to just do the basics to get through the day. I will be honest, it scared me a bit. It scared me because this feeling felt all too familiar, and I was afraid of falling and not being able to get back out this time. But I did. I felt a shift when I woke up today. I am so very grateful. But I want to talk about falling back down the hole. Each time it has happened over the years I realize once I reach the other side,I feel a growth in myself. Let me just say when in the midst of it, I am convinced I am in hell, if I believed in hell that is,lol. It is my own version of a private hell. And there is not a thing anyone can do or say to me that can pull me out. I realize it is something I have to go through in order to grow through another layer.

be nurtured 

I will say that it helped a great deal having people who support and love me letting me know they are there. And it helped to be nurtured by someone who loves me. I have learned that it is very important to make sure I don’t isolate myself. I reached out in a way that was enough at the time to reassure me I was loved and I wasn’t alone. Even if I did not want to talk or be talked to. It was a very intense process to watch the thoughts crossing my mind. I was in a state of fear to be sure. Fear of what? I’m not sure. I was able to see that my thoughts were just thoughts, but I was also stuck in the cycle of them. I was stuck. I was believing my fears somewhat. I knew they weren’t true, but I also felt fear in my body. It is hard to describe. The thing that really got me to shift my energy was the realization that even though my body felt numb, and yesterday I described it as feeling dead, was my breath. My breath was still happening even though I felt dead.

“I” am not the one having these thoughts

Hmmm….this really got me thinking about what/who is breathing me? How do we breath? Is it “me” breathing? Or is my breath being maintained by “the source”, “the energy”, “the divine” that created me? I was then able to come back to what I know to be true *for me*, and  that is, “I” am not my body. I am a soul who is living in this body. “I” am not the one having these thoughts. Thoughts arise in every single person every single day. They are words floating through the mind. I reminded myself that thoughts are the ego’s way of trying to keep me stuck. When “I” believe the thoughts, I am not in the present moment, I am stuck somewhere else. My body is holding onto emotions, creating energy to be stuck in my body.Which makes me suffer. I have to remind myself that its okay to be stuck sometimes. Sometimes being stuck happens right before a big growth spurt. As long as I remember the tools I have learned up until this point of being in a dark place, I know I will get out. Even if I don’t utilize those tools, just knowing they exist makes me remember there is in fact a better feeling place. And I have to remind myself that this too, shall pass. In fact, I even bought myself a ring that says, “this too, shall pass”.

 Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed

The very important thing to remember is ALWAYS have self love, self compassion. It took me many years, and so much practice to get to a place of kindness for myself when I am suffering. I still forget at times, but most of the time I am able to come back to this place of loving myself through the darkness. It is not always easy, as humans we tend to slip back into the patterns that feel familiar. But the more we practice,the easier it becomes to jump to self love and compassion first, and then allow the feelings to be there. Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed. I was fighting the feelings a bit, and then later I relaxed into them, and I allowed them in. And today, I must say that the darkness is gone for the most part, and I know I am closer to my truth. I am closer to the truth of who I really am. And, the really cool part is, I *know* for a fact that I am always connected to the source that created me. How do I know this? Because I am still breathing. My breath is always with me. Always, even after this physical body dies. We are One.

A beautiful video with Karen Drucker’s song “Gentle with myself”

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What is your core wound?

Written by Amie on September 4, 2013 – 2:17 am -

my doubting mind

For some reason today I really felt my core wound. My core wound is that I don’t trust many people. Everybody has a core wound. Some people have deeper wounds than others, but we all have a core wound. I have been healing for quite awhile now, and most days I forget about my core wound. Every now and then my core wound rears its head to remind me it is still there. I’m not really sure why it showed up today. I wasn’t feeling down. I think it could be because I truly feel I am on the verge of stepping into my power completely. I feel I am very close to learning to truly trust the divine energy that, on an intellectual level, I know is there. Most days I feel its presence, and then occasionally my doubting mind creeps back in to make me wonder. And this is when my core wound is triggered. It seems the closer I get to really feeling connected, the more my mind tries to convince me otherwise.

Don’t trust, don’t trust, don’t trust

This is the old belief system doing what it does. Its job is to try to convince me that I should be afraid.Its job has always been to protect me. But the definition of “protect me” in this case is, “do not risk believing or trusting anyone or anything, you know what will happen, you will be hurt.” In the past, this mindset kept me “safe”. Safe meaning I stayed in my protective shell and didn’t let anyone in. Yes, it did keep me safe. However, now that I am a healthy adult, I no longer need this type of protection. So, the more I work on healing my past issues, the quieter that voice gets. When I first started down this road of healing, my voice screamed louder than ever! “Don’t trust, don’t trust, don’t trust!!!” And the majority of the time, I listened. I kept my protective walls up, and I didn’t risk anything. Gradually, I begin sticking a toe out here and there. Most of the time, it was a positive result. So, I kept going. I began to trust more and more, and the voice began getting quieter and quieter.

caught in the little web

As time went on, that voice would still try to yell to me to be careful, don’t trust, but I am more aware now. I have become an observer of that voice. I am able to watch what it does now. As I feel closer to stepping into my power more and more, I see the voice trying to engage me in fear. It no longer has the power over me like it did in the past. I watch it, I even say thank you to it, and I tell it to relax and take a load off. But there are still some days, like today, that I get caught in the little web, and I temporarily forget that it is just a voice. It is a voice from the past that reminds me of where I started. I know that my core wound will always be there, but I also know it is much quieter than it used to be, and I know I gain confidence each time I recognize what is happening and I see it for what it is.

being aware that it no longer serves me

My goal now is to find self compassion around this. I want to be able to hold myself with self love and compassion when my core issue creeps back in. I want to be able to love myself through the doubts, and be able to show compassion for the fear that creeps in. I want to be able to give myself reassurance and space to feel my fear, embrace it, and set it free again. My core wound is a part of who I am. I learned it was not safe to trust people, even those who said they had my back. I understand my core wound, it makes sense. I want to be grateful for the protection it provided me, while also being aware that it no longer serves me. I am learning healthy ways to determine who and what to trust. So, my core wound can take a much needed vacation.

Do you know what your core wound is?

This is something very important to investigate. Until you discover your core wound, you continue to react from a place of unconsciousness. Your body will continue to protect you by reacting the way it has always reacting. Bringing awareness to your inner self will shine light on your core wound so that you are able to heal and grow.

 

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