The importance of doing your inner work

Written by Amie on June 23, 2015 – 12:21 pm -

Today I will show myself love, I will nurture myself

I feel so good today! Yesterday I went back and forth with someone I have been estranged from for over two years. Each time I responded, I asked myself why I was engaging with her toxic words. I had to really process why I was allowing myself to get sucked into her nonsense. Today I figured it out, and I feel a weight has lifted from me. I am ready to move on again, another layer of old emotional baggage released. It makes me want to celebrate! I am not celebrating the loss of this person in my life, because I do wish we could have a healthy relationship. It just isn’t possible right now. Instead, I’m celebrating the release of old emotional energy that was stuck in my body. Actually, I will be doing my own little ceremony later today with a ritual of releasing. Rituals are so helpful for me. Today I will show myself love, I will nurture myself. I will be there for me.

I can’t stop their suffering, only they can

So, what did I learn from this unhealthy exchange? Many things. First, I learned that, I have truly absorbed the message that it is okay, in fact it is my right, to be happy, EVEN IF other people are not happy, even if they are miserable. I have a right to happiness. I do not owe anybody a piece of my life by trying to help them be happy. If someone close to me is unhappy, it is NOT my responsibility to try to fix them. Yesterdays exchange really solidified to me, that I am free from this burden! I feel it in my body, which tells me that place in me that used to take responsibility for others’ happiness is no longer there! WOOHOO!!!Every person is responsible for their own life. I can support them in their journey, but I can’t stop their suffering. Only they can.

They would rather blame, shame, accuse, bully,and give their toxic garbage to others

The second thing I learned is that there are so many people who refuse to take responsibility for their own behaviors, actions, beliefs,thoughts, and really own their life. They would rather blame, shame, accuse, bully,and give their toxic garbage to others. They will do everything in their power to avoid feeling their own truth.They might even hide behind their misplaced belief that if they just stay “positive”, or if they only focus on helping others, then this will make it so they don’t have to do their own inner work of looking at the sadness, the disappointment, the anger that lies underneath. They may even believe that if they were to look at their true feelings,then others might accuse them of focusing on the past. This isn’t true. In order to be free and happy and authentically emotional, we can’t skip the step of healing the wounds that linger within us. Some have more than others, some less. We are who we are because of our life experiences. I understand why many people avoid feeling their truth, they avoid going deeper within themselves.It can be a scary process. But in order to be free emotionally, which affects all aspects of who we are, we must look inside ourselves, and feel what is there.It is helpful to have a therapist if you have deep or traumatic wounds. Plus, it is helpful to have someone to process feelings with.

quote-what-you-think-of-me-is-none-of-my-business-terry-cole-whittaker-340604

Some people feel threatened when they see another person getting healthy

I learned that some people are afraid of therapy, or they have a warped idea of what therapy really is. Mainly I learned that therapy is threatening for some people. It is scary for them to consider getting in touch with their true inner feelings. It is too scary for them to imagine sharing their inner feelings with someone, so instead they condemn people who choose therapy. They even go as far as trying to bully a person to convince them therapy is bad, the therapist only wants your money, the therapist doesn’t care about you, etc.(a side note is that I feel it is extremely important to interview therapists and find one that has done their own emotional work. Therapists and counselors can truly only help a person if they too, have done their own work) It is quite obvious to see the real feelings beneath this dysfunctional behavior. Some people feel threatened when they see another person getting healthy. They may feel threatened by the person going to therapy because when a person or people in a group start getting healthy, all other group members feel the change, and they don’t like it. The dysfunctional way that has always worked is shifting, so when some members are not willing to grow, they don’t want others to grow either. It felt really good to be able to separate my truth from theirs. Reading their hate filled words made it so obvious to me that they are truly suffering, and I am not responsible for their suffering!

It is not my job to try to convince someone to help themselves

This is the most important thing I learned; that it is not my job to try to convince someone to help themselves. If they ask for my help, of course I would support them and help them. This isn’t what I’m talking about. Over the last few years, I have been learning how to separate myself from others feelings. I am a person who is able to feel others’ emotions, and before I knew this about myself, I would take on their emotions as if they were mine. Now that I know this about myself, I do things to protect myself from others’ emotions. In the past I would always see the pain and suffering underneath toxic behavior, and then I would excuse this behavior by telling myself, “but they are a good person underneath.” This may be a true statement, most people are good people underneath their unhealthy behaviors. HOWEVER, this does not ever excuse people who treat others badly. EVER. So, what finally sunk in after all of these toxic exchanges yesterday, is that it is not my job to help this person see the goodness in herself, (she doesn’t want help seeing that). It is not my job to show her the underlying pain she is avoiding feeling when she is spewing mean and hateful words at me. It is not my job to overlook her behavior by saying, “but shes a good person.” It is her job. It is her responsibility. It is her life. She has to do the work in order to heal the pain inside herself. I am free.

It also gives them a ticket to be a jerk

I will not excuse bad behavior on the premise that I feel sorry for her because she is in a lot of emotional pain. I felt sorry for her a small bit up until last night. And then the weight lifted. I no longer feel sorry for her because by feeling sorry for her, this gives away some of my own inner power. It also gives her a ticket to be a jerk. If I feel sorry for a person, it means I am not holding them accountable for their unhealthy behavior towards me, which in turn usually means I excuse the bad behavior, thus keeping the dysfunctional cycle going. I see now without a doubt that each of us has to do our own inner processing, and that deep wounds do not give us a free ticket to be mean and nasty to other people. If we want healthy relationships, we do the work to heal our wounds, without injuring others in the process. We may injure others because we are not perfect, but when this happens we acknowledge it and we take full responsibility. Take responsibility for your life, for your behavior, for your words. Be vulnerable. FEEL.

SO, please remember, your job is YOU. You take care of your emotional health, and don’t allow others to spew their emotional pain onto you in the form of telling you all of the things they think are wrong with you. (oftentimes the words they spew at you are actually the true words of how they feel about themselves) In order to heal our wounds, we have to take care of ourselves, protect ourselves from toxic behavior. You have a right to protect yourself from unhealthy people, even if they are blood related. It is your life, you get to choose how to live it. Nobody else. YOU.

 

 

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Posted in Healing & personal growth, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 2 Comments »

We have been taught to avoid feeling our greatness

Written by Amie on April 11, 2015 – 2:38 am -

The message is well ingrained

We are so much more than this temporary shell (our body) we live in. Our soul (or our true self) has been taught to live in a state of being shut off from its truth. This message is loud and clear starting from the time we are babies and children. (there are different degrees of this, with some parents who are awake and who see and respond in a healthy way to their babies and children). However, in this post I am talking about the majority of people(in my opinion) who are raised with the message that they need to shut off their truth. Most people in one way or another have gotten the message that their true self, their true beauty, their true magnificence, should not be seen or heard. This message is taught to babies and children, and also is carried into adulthood. By the time we reach adulthood, the message is well ingrained. I am here to say, this can be healed, it can be reversed. Your true self can shine!

until they were indoctrinated

I observe people, it is what I do. I notice how uneasy people are around other people in general. I watch at the grocery store, and I see people afraid of making a mistake. “Oh no, I thought that cost $5, I am so sorry I told you the wrong amount”. And they go on and on berating themselves for making an innocent mistake. “gosh, I can’t believe I did that, I should have noticed that, how did I miss that?” All while feeling ashamed to look at the other people for fear the others will agree, that yes, you are in fact, stupid. This breaks my heart in so many ways. (And, I used to be just like that. I would beat myself up all day for one little mistake) I see people who are so wounded inside, but yet trying to appear “normal” and happy. They believe the stories and lies they learned, and they are living from this place of untruth. They have completely forgotten their beauty, the true magnificence of their soul, the perfection they were born with. The beauty they knew at a very deep level, until they were indoctrinated with the message of who they truly are is not okay. Watch people. Watch how uncomfortable so many people are with feeling afraid when they think they cut in front of you in line, or afraid to speak up if something is not really what they want, or making sure others go before them even when they were there first. (because maybe I am not worthy of being treated kindly, or I don’t want you to think I feel I am better or more important than you) There are also the messages from many religions that say we must not be selfish, always put others first. So even in those times when you  really don’t want to put others first, you do it anyway, so as not to be seen as a bad person. Oh…..the lies run deep.

An “anger trance”

Our true self (our essence, our soul, our spirit) does not match up with the outer world we are living in. (the outer world is like a movie, it is made up) Our minds have been trained to see in a very muted, dysfunctional way. So, after years and years of this muting of our true self, many people may become very angry. There are different degrees of this. Many people live their lives in an anger trance, feeling grumpy and mean most of the time, while sometimes putting on a “happy face” to convince others of how happy they are. Or the anger takes over and they lash out and hurt others around them. Or they become very deeply depressed and can barely get through the day. Or they turn on themselves with self hate. Or a combination of these things. Many people self medicate trying to shove down the bursting of the soul’s cries to be seen and heard. Sometimes this works for a lifetime, sometimes not.

avoid feeling and seeing our own greatness

We have been taught to avoid feeling and seeing our own greatness, at any cost! As some children we are told to be quiet, shhhh, stop bothering people, or can you please just stop talking, or don’t be a show-off, or be nice to your friend, don’t be mean, or stop being a know it all, or you can’t like that activity, it is weird, it doesn’t make sense, or no, that is not ok, or why do you have to do that, or just do as I say, you are just a child you don’t know what’s best for you, or stop doing that, people are staring, or you are fine, that didn’t hurt!, stop being a baby, or go to sleep, there is nothing to be afraid of, or you must be mistaken, I doubt that really happened. I’m thinking most of you may be able to add to this list?

Nobody knows better than you, what is best for *you*

Children *know* and act out their greatness, their magnificence! This is what we need to come back to. How do we do this? We start observing every single thought we are having. We pay attention to how our body feels, and we explore what those feelings are. We decide what feels good and what doesn’t. We do things that feel good. We take care of ourselves in all ways the best we can.We practice being kind to ourselves. This is so very important! Once you are able to be kind to yourself, the rest will fall into place. Some people may no longer be welcome in your life. Many things may change, or not. It is all about learning to love yourself. I promise you, the reasons why you are cruel to yourself stem from learned behavior. The thoughts about yourself that are anything but magnificent are NOT true! I am not saying we are all perfect and we will be happy every single second. No. This is unrealistic. But, yes, we are perfect in the sense that nothing is wrong with us. We only learned that something must be wrong with us. Our world is set up to make us think we should dim our light. It is set up to keep us feeling like we should “obey” authority figures, or that someone else knows what is best for us. NO! Nobody knows better than you, what is best for *you*! Shine your light! That is why you are here, to be in your magnificence.

you may need to go slow and grow into your truth

The outer world is is not who you really are. Your inner soul is who you are. Yes, we need these bodies in order to function as humans, but we are not our bodies. If you sit quietly and just *be* with yourself you will soon feel your true self. You will begin to “hear” (not audibly) who you are. You will begin to know who you are. You will know the part of you (the authentic part) who is magnificent, the soul you are. You may not trust this message at first, you may need to go slow and grow into your truth. It is a process. It takes practice to begin hearing your true self if you have spent most or all of your life being taught to ignore it. Your truth is there, inside you, I promise. All of the answers you need are there, always. Nobody can take them from you. You are brilliant! You are a beautiful magnificent soul! Ahhh…….

“I am Light” by India Arie

 

 

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self hate, Self-love | No Comments »
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