Underneath the anger

Written by Amie on September 20, 2012 – 1:26 pm -

“By clinging to the mind in the form of memory and thought, we are held captive by the movement of our conditioned thinking and imagination, all the while believing that we are perfectly rational and sane.” ~Adyashanti

 

no longer trapped

I really am just an onion…so many layers of me I must peel away to get to the true me. The layers peel away faster and faster these days. Clarity comes much quicker and easier than it did a few years ago. Or even a year ago. I am grateful I am just an onion now, and not stuck inside the bullet proof box I was trapped in before. I was locked in my box of protection, so trapped in the deep dark place that I called depression. The sad thing is that I didn’t even know I was stuck there, I thought how I felt was normal. Well, I suppose you could say it was normal at the time. There is no right normal or wrong normal. I still believe we are always exactly where we need to be in every  moment of our lives. For reasons yet to be revealed to me at the time, I needed the protection of that box. Once I started peeling away layers, I can see and appreciate why I needed to protect myself emotionally.

furious beyond words

That idea leads me into how I am feeling right now. I will start with a few days ago. I was furious beyond words. Anger is powerful. It can lead us to do something destructive to ourselves or others, or it can lead to awareness, acceptance, and clarity. I wasn’t sure which route I was going to go at first. I wanted to scream at the person who was unkind to me. I wanted to part ways with her for the rest of my life. I wanted her to “know” that her behavior was wrong and unacceptable! I wanted her to know that she should never mess with me. That was my ego talking, and it was also the little girl inside me who has been hurt repeatedly by this person. It would have been easy to fall into the victim role of “oh poor me, why does she continue to act this way?” That is the route I probably would have taken many years ago. Instead, I let the anger provide fuel for me to empower myself. Anger is an emotion (really it is energy), but it is rarely the actual emotion we are feeling. It is an emotion that is easier to have than the true feelings underneath. My anger led me to the realization that nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent, a quote by the very brilliant woman Eleanor Roosevelt. My anger spurred me to take my power back.

 

healing begins with becoming aware

After allowing my anger to just be there for a few days, clarity began to move in. I was thinking about a friend of mine who is so confident in her own skin and is not afraid to let her truth shine out there in the world. Many people might look at this as being arrogant or self-absorbed or whatever other negative traits we have been trained to think. However, this is not the case at all with her. She feels safe to shine her light in the world, and will not apologize for doing so. There is nothing to apologize for, why should she? I wish everybody felt this confident about themselves (we all have the capacity to do so). Then the world could be blessed with  every single beautiful part of every person!  Sadly, until we do our own internal work, most people feel guilty or shameful about feeling confident about themselves. So many people are still believing those damn voices that are telling them, “you shouldn’t say that, people will think you are a know-it-all, or people will think you are stuck up, or people will think you are….blah blah blah…” and the list goes on. We have been conditioned to believe we should care about what others think of us rather than living out the truth of who we really are. We learn that it isn’t emotionally safe to be ourselves in the world. Our true beautiful selves were smashed down too often for us to trust that it is safe to be who we really are. Our job is to become aware of the messages we were conditioned with and then question them. Healing begins with becoming aware of the voices in your head and what they are saying to you.

they confirm your feelings of self hate

Okay, back to the thought of experiencing guilt or shame when feeling confident. I realized after thinking about my confident friend that a huge part of my anger towards the person mentioned above is due to her being uncomfortable with my joy and happiness. When I appear confident to her, she starts judging me and expressing her disapproval of what I choose to do in my life. The main thing is that she is making up her own stories about my life. She actually believes she knows me and knows how I live my life. This I find amusing. How can a person know who I really am when I rarely see them, AND when I rarely show my true self to them? I protect myself from people that judge me. Until you have done a lot of healing work, it is best to avoid being around unkind and judgmental people because it is easy to stay depressed around them. They confirm your feelings of self hate. By limiting my time with them, I am accepting them as they are. I accept that this person is judgmental, and will most likely continue to act in the same manner. I accept it for what it is, but I also choose to avoid being around her.  I have no place in my life for people who claim they love me but then judge me and talk badly about me to other people in my life. This is how I take my power back. I choose to either eliminate them from my life or severely limit my time with those who continue to betray me and to be judgmental of me.

someone is judging you

I will have compassion for them from a distance. I understand what it is like to have so much self hate that it is easiest to look at everyone around me to judge them instead of doing my own inner reflection and healing work.  I am so far removed from self hate now, there is no way I will choose to be around people who are unkind to me. I wish them well, and I do hope they find the courage to heal those parts of themselves that need love and compassion, but I can’t do it for them, and I won’t be a part of their negativity. When someone is judging you, it is ALWAYS because of the feelings that were triggered inside them. It is never about you! They may try to blame you or try to tell you you should change, etc. but if they could become aware of their true feelings, they would begin to see the truth. The truth is that something about you or your life triggered an emotional wound in them. THIS is the work each of us can do. Asking the questions. Why does this person “make” me feel angry, why does that person “make” me feel self conscious, why does this person “make” me feel like I don’t matter……..question everything. It is the beginning of awareness and the path to healing.

 

YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS……….YOUR TRUTH IS INSIDE YOU HIDING UNDERNEATH THE CONDITIONING YOU HAVE BEEN BUYING INTO……NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR OR BAD WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT……YOU HOLD THE POWER IN YOUR LIFE…….IF SOMEBODY IS UNKIND TO YOU, SET A BOUNDARY TO PROTECT YOURSELF……YOU ARE PURE LOVE UNDERNEATH THE MESSAGES YOU HAVE BEEN BELIEVING….DEPRESSION EXISTS AS LONG AS YOU BUY INTO THE UNTRUTHS YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH…….IF YOU ARE HIDING OR PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM THE WORLD, YOU ARE BLOCKING LOVE FROM  COMING INTO YOUR HEART……BEGIN TO HEAL BY QUESTIONING AND BECOMING AWARE OF YOUR THOUGHTS…..YOUR THOUGHTS DICTATE THE LIFE YOU HAVE……YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK…….THINK LOVE……. 🙂

 

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Allowing myself to feel vulnerable

Written by Amie on June 13, 2011 – 1:43 am -

My first instinct was to gather my stuff and run out the door

I joined a women’s group a few months ago. I joined because I want to continue to grow and learn more about myself. I also joined because I wanted deeper connection with women who are on a similar path. We have had 5 meetings so far, so we are getting to know each other better, but we don’t know each really well yet.  Yesterday I went to our meeting feeling very positive. We started out just catching up with each other.  Then we listened to a short excerpt from a woman who specializes in attachment theory and bonding. We were about 5 minutes into the talk when I suddenly felt a deep sadness that I have never felt before in my life. I couldn’t stop crying, and I felt scared. The pain I felt in my body went very very deep. My first instinct was to gather my stuff and run out the door.

Feel the Feelings

 

This felt new and scary

Instead I went into another room and just cried. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do; stay and feel vulnerable, or run. A year or so ago, I might have completely shut down by hiding my true emotions. Yesterday I felt so raw with emotion, I couldn’t have shut them off even if I wanted to. I don’t know why I was feeling so raw with emotion. I did have a craniosacral session the night before, but it doesn’t really matter why. The bottom line is, I stayed with my emotions, and I stayed to be with the supportive, accepting women in the group. This felt new and scary. I felt so vulnerable. I have some close people in my life that I can be vulnerable with, but it is still not easy for me. I have to feel completely safe with the people I show myself to. If there is any question as to whether or not I trust them, I shut myself off from connecting any deeper.

The old recordings going through my head

After the talk was over the group was meeting back in a circle to talk about our experience. I could not stop crying. I didn’t want to stop crying, but yet I felt scared to be crying my eyes out in front of everyone. Being vulnerable can be so scary, and we have been conditioned to believe that showing emotion and being vulnerable makes us weak. Many of us have been taught that it is something you do if there is something wrong with you. Even though I felt scared and I wasn’t sure how this whole thing was going to play out, I was able to watch my thoughts. I told myself that I should pull myself together or I would ruin the day for everyone else, I told myself that I was just trying to get attention, I told myself that the other women would think I am crazy, and I asked myself what in the hell is wrong with you. The difference in yesterday vs. a year or two ago is that I didn’t follow those thoughts this time, I just noticed them. I said to myself, wow, look at what I am telling myself, these are some really old recordings showing up in my head. It made me feel so good that I didn’t believe these darn untrue thoughts and beliefs, I was just an observer. This is one of the most important tools we need in order to heal depression. We become an observer of the mind rather than a full believer in the stories and thoughts.

We are supposed to be there for each other

I found out what happens when I decide to stay with my strong emotions rather than try to make them go away or run from them. I felt what it is like to be surrounded by loving people who saw me, accepted me, nurtured me, and listened to me. The best part is that they still want to be my friend, they still want me to be around, and they never once gave any indication that I should stop being who I am! What an incredible gift they gave me, and I gave them. By showing our vulnerability, we make it safer for others to show theirs. We are human, we have emotions, and we are supposed to be there for each other just being a conscious witness. We have been conditioned to believe that if we allow someone to show their emotions and be vulnerable with us, it means we have to do something for them; we have to “fix them”. This is not true at all. People just want to be seen and heard, they want to be validated and told that they matter. Being vulnerable opens up a new line of connection between people. Hiding your vulnerability shuts off your aliveness.

Take a risk and put your foot in the water

I think yesterday’s group was a growth spurt! I felt like a new person after I left. I was very tired, but I felt really good inside. I was still feeling fragile and vulnerable, but it felt good. I now know it is safe to be vulnerable with people I trust. Before yesterday, I had one toe dipped in the water so to speak. This time I took a risk and stuck my whole foot in the water. It is important to risk being vulnerable emotionally with people you trust. It is the only way to grow; to show your true self. The way through depression is to gather as many tools as possible that will assist you becoming alive again. Learning to be vulnerable is a huge step, but it is so very important. I have to reiterate that the people you decide to show your true self to must be trustworthy and you must feel safe with them. Taking a risk can be hard, especially if you have been shut down for a very long time. Take baby steps. Open your heart just a pinch and tell someone something you normally wouldn’t share. Even saying “I love you” to someone you think already knows it. If you don’t normally let yourself say that to the person, try it this one time. But only if you feel safe and you trust the person enough.

You are loved…….you are perfect just as you are….there is nobody else in the world who is just like you……what you have to say and what you feel is important to the world…….be gentle with yourself……xoxoxoxoxo to you all.

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