Dysfunction runs deep

Written by Amie on May 20, 2013 – 3:00 am -

 I am not responsible for others’  feelings or their emotional pain

It is a really good feeling knowing I don’t have to respond to people who act in dysfunctional ways toward me. Setting boundaries feels very empowering. It was not easy doing this with people I have been interacting with for a good portion of my life. I can have compassion for them *and* I can ignore their pleas to engage in unhealthy behavior. I don’t have to respond even when they are accusing me of untrue things such as being full of anger and hate. In the past,  I may have felt the need to defend these lies, but today I know the truth, and that is all that matters to me. I have never felt more at peace than I do right now, which makes it a bit easier to ignore their words.  I don’t have to respond even when they are saying hateful and cruel things about me. It took me years of healing work to get to where I am today. It feels really good to be in this healthy place! I know how much I have grown, because I am able to hear words today that would have been so incredibly hurtful a few years back,without believing them and turning them against myself. I have learned that cruel, hateful words are not about me, they are about the person saying them. Today I am able to see that the person or people hurling these cruel words at me are in deep denial and deep emotional pain. And I am relieved to know for sure, that I am not responsible for their feelings or their pain. They are trying to say I am responsible. That’s okay if they want to say that. I know my truth and that’s all that matters. It feels so good to see through the “nonsense”. I see clearly how people “project” their own emotional pain onto those around them.

 emotional projection

I have been learning a lot about emotional projection. It took me awhile to really understand what it is. The Universe must have thought I needed an example to help me understand it better! Someone who claims to love me accused me of being filled with hate and anger. In so many words, they are saying that since I am not going along with the protocol so to speak (which means I am changing a pattern that was deeply set for years) and I am speaking my truth, it must be because I am filled with anger and hate. I find this fascinating. This person is completely convinced that I am acting dysfunctional, when in reality I am standing up for myself and I am saying “NO” to unhealthy behavior. This person is calling me disrespectful because I refuse to continue unhealthy behavior. I am saying, “no, I will no longer participate in the pretend everything is ‘normal’ game”. In reality, this person is angry and resentful at someone else but is  saying *I* am the angry and resentful one. Instead of dealing with his/her true feelings and the circumstances they are living with, they have chosen to blame me, saying it is *me* who is causing the problems. It fascinates me what the mind is capable of making us believe.

others may dig their heals in to hold on tight to what they know

Dysfunction runs deep. If one person in a close-knit group begins changing the group dynamic by growing emotionally and getting healthy, the whole group starts shifting. Some of the group members may also begin growing and healing, while others may dig their heels in to hold on tight to what they know. Even those members who know the group is unhealthy may still choose to stay with the way things “have always been”. Even tragedy may not change the way they do things. Keeping things the same may still win out even if one of the members snaps, goes into a  rage, and threatens another person in the group. The other members have learned to protect the “group leader” so to speak. It is the way it has always been done, so some people have a very difficult time changing what feels familiar. Some  may even blame the group members who are getting healthy rather than calling out the unhealthy behavior of another member.  I know from personal experience how hard it is to change and heal from dysfunctional behavior. I also know I couldn’t live in the dysfunction anymore, so for me, there was no choice but to face the truth. I couldn’t pretend that the way things were, felt good or healthy to me. They didn’t! In fact, they felt completely insane! In order to heal, I knew I had to break away at least for awhile until I was capable of being around the dysfunction while also being able to maintain my own well being.

 give yourself permission to set boundaries

My well being is my priority. Others have to take care of their own well being. (I am talking about adults here). I realized a few years ago that I was sort of the peacekeeper of this group. I was the one who took on the emotions of others so they could remain comfortable. I suffered. In a big big way. My well being was not my priority back then and my health paid the price. I was so deep in depression, I can’t begin to describe it. And since I am on the other side of it now, I can see how dysfunctional patterns become so ingrained in some people, that they will not even consider that maybe there is another way of being in the world. I have compassion for people who are suffering and for those who may not see another way of being. I can have compassion, but I can’t heal their wounds for them. It is up to each individual to heal their own wounds. I will not take on the poison words from people who choose to live in an unhealthy way. I will not tolerate behavior that feels hateful and that comes from a place of emotional unconsciousness. I am in a healthy place and I plan to stay here. If any of this scenario rings true for you, I hope this will encourage you to give yourself permission to set boundaries in your life so that you can heal and grow to be healthy and happy. Setting boundaries is such an important step to take on the journey to self-love.

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Giving a voice to depression

Written by Amie on June 1, 2011 – 1:33 pm -

A pill to make it go away

For years there was a nagging voice in my head that was saying “some day” you will be ready to speak up. I wasn’t ready until now. For the past few months I have been feeling better than I have ever felt in my life. It is so clear to me that healing from depression is a process. A process that unfolds exactly how it needs to unfold. You can’t rush it, you can’t take a pill to make it magically go away, you can’t push it away, you can’t wish it away. Our bodies are nothing short of a miracle. There is protection in place that will not allow us to push ourselves emotionally farther than we are ready to go. I am convinced of this. There is an unfolding in each of us. This is our journey. Depression leads to self love if we listen to it, give it a voice, and allow it to unfold as it needs to.

Life force

I have done so many things in order to grow through depression and to give my depression a voice. The things that have helped me the most are homeopathy, mind/body therapy, body movement, craniosacral therapy, and working on my throat chakra. So many other things have helped along the way, but right now, I would say these have been the most helpful. I have said it before, but homeopathy has really changed my life. I believe we are all energy, and homeopathy is an energy medicine. It stimulates our life force and assists the body in healing itself.

Shutting off your voice

Every time I shut down my voice, I prolong my depression and I shut off a part of my soul. Every single time. Depression will hang out with you until you are ready to give a voice to what is really true for you. You will do it when you are ready. But it is important to listen and to allow the voice to speak when your body is telling it to speak. It is a habit to shut yourself down. Somewhere along our journey we were taught that shutting off our own voice was what we needed to do in order to survive. It becomes a habit of protection. This is a great thing when we are young. It can keep us stuck when we are adults. Every single person has a right to speak what they feel and believe. Everyone, without question. We all have a right to be happy and to give and receive love. Everyone, without question. By not speaking up and giving a voice to our depression, we remain victims.

Throat chakra

For the past few months I have been focusing on my throat chakra. You might want to read about the chakras in our bodies. I won’t go into detail here. The throat chakra is located in the center of the throat and is linked to the ability to communicate. When we stop voicing out truth, the throat chakra gets blocked. When this happens, we have a difficult time speaking up for ourselves. So, the good news is that it can re-open! I have been going to craniosacral therapy which has helped so much. I also have two necklaces with stones that have the energy to help open the throat chakra. I practice saying what is true for me, out loud. This can be scary at first. It is great if you can say things to a person, but if you aren’t ready for that yet it is still helpful to say them out loud to yourself.

Depression is there for a reason

Depression can most definitely get better! I promise you that if you are willing to look around inside of yourself and allow your true feelings to come up, you can heal your depression. Depression is there for a reason….be grateful for it. I know, trust me, I know. That is not easy to do when you feel so badly that crawling under a rock to die peacefully sounds much better. I’ve been there many many times. But I am here to give you hope. It can and will get better if you are willing to accept who you really are and what is really true for you. It is a process. Let your feelings come and go. Let go of what you think things should look like. Be there for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. I promise you, you deserve joy and love and happiness. You can have that. Be willing to look inside yourself and be willing to voice what is really there. Become aware of what your mind is telling you….and be willing to question those things. Most of them have no truth. Awareness is the beginning of healing. Give a voice to depression. It is just hanging out waiting until you are ready. It will wait forever if need be. So, the sooner it gets a voice, the sooner it moves through.

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