Surrender,accept,let go and remember self-love

Written by Amie on August 22, 2013 – 1:32 am -

“The way back to my real environment, the place where my soul was meant to exist, doesn’t lie through any set of codes I will ever find outside of myself. I have to look inward. I have to jettison every sorrow, every terror, every misconception, every lie that stands between my conscious mind and what I know in my heart to be true. Instead of clutching around me all of the trappings of a “good” person, a “successful” person, or even a “righteous” person, I have to be exactly what I am, and take the horrible chance that I may be rejected for it. I can’t get home by cloaking myself in the armor of any system; social, political, or religious. I have to strip off all that comforting armor and go on naked”. ~Martha Beck

 

the scary part

Another layer of healing and I feel like I am recovering faster each time. The pain is deep, but I don’t stay in the pain for very long. Crying is so healing and cleansing. First the anger, then the sadness, deep grieving, and then relief. I feel lighter each time. I remember a time when I would stay in the anger phase without allowing the raw feelings underneath to come to the surface. Staying in anger creates resentment and eventually depression. I know this now, and I continue to work on it. Allowing the raw feelings underneath the anger to surface is the scary part at first, but once they show themselves, great relief comes sooner. Anger is always a sign that there are needs not being met, a sign that something is not “right”. I think as a culture we have been taught that anger is bad, but I disagree. Anger is only an unhealthy thing if a person stays in the anger stage without processing the real feelings underneath, or if they act out of anger and harm another person. When used as a sign that something is off, anger is a wonderful tool.

incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me

I was very angry last night. I received another letter from someone who has hurt me deeply but won’t acknowledge their part in the  hurt. This person denies ever hurting me. This person goes so far as to act completely perplexed as to why I am hurt. Hearing this hurts even more. At least it did temporarily. The anger turned to hurt and sadness pretty quickly. And then the grief hit today. The letter I received made it so clear that this person will not take responsibility for the hurt they have caused. The clarity helped me see that I need to let go of the hope that things can be any different. I surrender to what is. The facts keep being shown to me. The fact that this person is incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me. And this person is incapable of taking ownership of the hurt they have caused. So for me, I accept them for who they are, but that doesn’t mean I will subject myself to further hurt. People continue to hurt others when they are incapable of noticing how their words and actions affect others. I understand, but that doesn’t mean I will choose to be with people who do this.

I love myself and I have compassion for myself

So, I continue to let go. It is a process to be sure. It is not easy, but it is getting easier. It is difficult to truly let go of the hope that things will change. But if I hold on to hope, it keeps me suffering. It keeps me in a holding pattern so to speak. Waiting and hoping. Not a healthy way to live. So, I surrender to what is, I let go, I accept, and I send healing and love to those who have hurt me. If I find myself wishing for something to be different, or wishing for someone to finally understand and take responsibility for their actions, I am not letting go. I am holding on. It is a slow process. I have to remind myself often to trust the Universe. Everything happens for a reason, everything unfolds exactly as it should. I continue and I trust. And I send more love to them. I hear what they say and I remind myself that they are in pain. I surrender. I accept. I let go. And most importantly, I love myself and I have compassion for myself. I honor all of my feelings, and I allow myself to feel however I feel without judgment.

a song that helps me process my emotions

I want to share this song with you that I listen to when I feel angry. It is helpful when I know there are deeper feelings underneath the anger wanting to be felt. It really helps me feel my anger and then let it go so that the feelings underneath can come up. The meaning of the song has nothing to do with why I listen to it. I feel the emotion in the song, and I believe this is the reason it is helpful for me when I’m angry and I am having trouble allowing my emotions to emerge. 

It is Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready TO Make Nice”

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Grieving

Written by Amie on October 22, 2011 – 12:00 pm -

Waves of grief

I wanted to write because this subject feels very alive in me right now. I am going this weekend to participate in a walk for Suicide Prevention. My brother committed suicide 4 years ago. I have not gone to one of the walks yet, I just couldn’t. There is a chance I may not be able to go this time either, we will see. A few weeks ago when I decided that I felt like going this time, it felt “right”. However, now that I am just a day away from actually going, I am having second thoughts. And I am having many many tears. Tears are good, but man, the wave of grief is big. I just keep reminding myself to breathe. I am trying to stay out of my head, and just let the feelings come and go. I guess this is like riding the waves. As long as I stay out of the commentary in my head,  I am able to just feel the sensations in my body. I trust the sensations to give me the “answers” I need. If I trust my body, it will let me know whether or not I want to go to the walk.

Breathing becomes the only thing we can do 

I am always surprised when I get these rushes of grief.  I’m not sure why I am surprised, but I am, nonetheless. I am not sure why the walk is affecting me so deeply. Usually it is my brother’s birthday, or the anniversary of his death (which is the day after my birthday) that sends me back to the waves of grief. Grief is such an interesting emotion. It feels different than sadness to me. When I tune into my body I feel the grief in the deepest part of my being. It comes from that place in my soul where the whole universe lives. The part of me that is connected to everything and everyone. The place where there are no words, just feeling. My heart hurts when I am in this place, but I know it will pass if I just let it be there. Right after my brother died, it was difficult to just remember to breathe. My body was holding onto my breath in hopes of stopping time in hopes of bringing my brother back. Hold on, hold your breath, maybe it will stop what is happening. Breathing becomes the only thing we can do sometimes. In times of deep grief, it is more than enough to just keep breathing in and out. Breathing moves the energy through the body. It is so important to remind ourselves to breathe. It is amazing to me how many times I have to remind myself to breathe. It seems like it should not be something I have to tell myself to do.

Trust

I trust the universe to show me what I need to do this weekend. It always does. I will stay with my feelings of grief and I will keep breathing and keep nurturing myself. Those are things I have control over. I trust that I will know what path to follow. I know my brother is with me no matter what I decide. I feel him around me when I tune in to the silence deep inside me. Keep breathing……trust…..love……and just be. This too shall pass (until the next wave)…and all is well.

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