Our children come to us to help us heal

Written by Amie on May 19, 2014 – 3:01 am -

opportunities to grow and heal

The relationship between parent and child can be the most beautiful experience or the most painful. (And probably somewhere in between). It can be beautiful when we drop the notion that we can do no wrong because we are the parent. It can be beautiful when we allow the challenges in the relationship to show us the places in us which are not healed. It can be beautiful when we remember our children come to us in love and to help us heal. It is painful if we are unable to be vulnerable with them, to let them see our truth, let them see who we really are. Our children do not belong to us. It really is our job to become aware enough to see their “annoyances” or their actions as opportunities to grow and heal. It is not our job to break their spirit so they learn to conform to what we want them to be, nor is it our job to force our beliefs and/or our pain onto them. If we don’t face our own pain, and if we don’t come to understand how that pain has affected the relationships in our lives, then we are living from our place of pain. We react from this place of pain. We interact from this place of pain. We shield our hearts, which means we aren’t able to fully receive love. We go around covered in armor, protecting our hearts because we are afraid to appear weak, or afraid those we love will hurt us.

children come to teach us

Our children come to us to help us become who we really are, and to help us heal our past traumas. I believe children come to teach us, not for us to teach them. I believe children have so much to teach us, if we are willing to be vulnerable, if we are willing to put aside our ego, and put aside the thinking that, “we are the adult, we know more than children”, and the thinking that, “I am older and they should respect me”. I believe a person has to earn respect. If you give respect, you will receive respect. (another post in itself). So, why am I talking about this? Well, because I wish no matter how old we are, how old our children are, how old our parents are, that we can open to the idea of learning from each other no matter how long it takes to get to this decision. I wish adults could open their hearts, lay aside their old thinking, embrace their own emotional pain, and open their hearts to children, no matter what age they are. When a person gets stuck in the thinking that they are “weak” if they confront their emotional pain, then they are closed off to the opportunities to learn from those younger than they are. When a person is not confronting their emotional pain, there is no way to have a healthy, authentic relationship with a loved one.


spiritually and emotionally asleep 

When my kids were born I was spiritually and emotionally asleep so to speak. I was not in touch with who I was. There were hints here and there, but I began waking up after my babies were born, after I began bonding with them. I had never felt a connection as intense and as deep as the connections I had with my babies. It awoke something in me I had no idea was there. Feeling the bond with them triggered pain in me. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but it was there. When I say triggered, I mean that I had an emotional reaction when I was nurturing them. I soon realized that bringing babies into the world is the most powerful relationship there is. I believe kids come to us so that they can show us where our emotional pain is. They give us multiple opportunities to choose consciousness and awareness and presence. We can choose to look within ourselves to discover why we feel triggered, or we can become angry with our children and blame them for being difficult or demanding or whatever term we think fits.

look in the mirror

I believe no matter what age we are, it is possible to heal. It is possible to heal relationships no matter how long they have been in trouble. It is possible to wake up to discover the truth of who you really are. It is possible to put ego aside, take off the armor little by little, and have the courage to really look inside your heart to feel your emotional pain that has been buried. Each time you allow yourself to feel some of the pain, you become more awake, more conscious, more authentic. If you are struggling with relationships, especially those with family members, maybe it is time to look in the mirror to ask yourself, what am I needing to learn from this experience? Ask yourself, why is this situation so painful for me? Why am I so angry with this person? Why do I feel so emotionally charged when this person does something I don’t like? What pain are you living your life from? I just want to reassure you that being vulnerable with people who love you is one of the most beautiful experiences. Drop the stories you have told yourself about them and listen to what they say. It may or may not resonate with you. Either is ok. However, if your reaction is anger, this is a time to go beneath the anger to discover the true hurt that is hiding there.



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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Help with depression, Kids/teenagers and depression | 2 Comments »

Don’t tell me you love me if your actions don’t match your words

Written by Amie on August 10, 2013 – 2:57 pm -

“I get it, but I don’t *want* to get it”

I’m feeling angry and frustrated. Underneath the anger is grief. Very painful grief.  I have been grieving a lot over the past 6 years, and each time a new wave hits me, it feels like I am healing on a deeper and deeper level. I know I can’t change people, I can’t change their capacity to love, I can’t change the way they protect themselves emotionally. But it’s so hard to just accept this. It is so hard for me to accept that a person or people would choose to remain in their story rather than mend a life long relationship with people they claim to love.. I keep saying to myself, “I get it, but I don’t *want* to get it”. I don’t want to accept that someone would choose their lifelong pattern of living behind their armor of protection rather than figure out how to love authentically. I feel sad that people can’t experience love because they are in too much emotional pain. Pain that is blocking the heart from opening to deeper experiences. So I continue to feel my anger and frustration, which leads to feeling the real stuff underneath, which is deep grief and sadness.

I was this person years ago

I truly don’t feel like I am asking for much. I am simply asking for people to be real, be authentic, say what is true. And this is where the frustration comes in. I totally understand why many people are unable to do this. I was this person years ago. I was too afraid to be vulnerable. I was too afraid to share with anyone the pain I was feeling. It was too scary for me. So, I understand it. However, I also remember when my pain became too great. I thought I would die if something didn’t change. So this is where I come back to not fully understanding how losing people you keep claiming you love doesn’t catapult you into seeking help to support you in your struggle. I am not judging. I am just trying to wrap my head around it. And I keep coming back to the realization that some people have such deep pain that they just can’t entertain the thought of facing it. I get it. And I’m still sad.

suffering for years with depression

I am tired of hearing empty words. Words that make noise but say absolutely nothing. I am tired of the attempted reassurance that I am loved when the actions show otherwise. The words,”I love you” do not have to be spoken between two people when the love is authentic. Actions and the energy of the actions speak louder than words. Sure, it is nice to hear those words sometimes, but only if there is feeling with them. If someone tells me they love me and it feels like they are saying it because they think they should, I don’t hear their words, and I no longer trust them. If a person loves another person, it should be obvious in their actions. You can *feel* love. Love isn’t something to say in order to check it off a list of obligations. All I really want is to know who a person really is. All I really want is to feel the authenticity of a person when I am connecting with them. All I really want is for people to take off the armor and show me who they really are. And yet I know, this is not easy. All I know is that it is crucial if a healthy, loving relationship is to be had. How do I know this? Because I have experienced both ways, and I can tell you that one way sucks the life out of you, and the other way opens you so that you feel alive.

Who Are You?

I believe that underneath all of the armor we carry, is a human (a soul in a physical body) just wanting to be real with the person they are connecting with. Show who you really are. If the person you reveal yourself to doesn’t respond in a way that makes you feel safe, make a note to yourself that this person is someone you should not be vulnerable with, and possibly someone you can’t trust to be in your life. If you are afraid to say your truth then say that. Say, “I am really feeling afraid to say what is true for me.” Start *there*. This is being real. I think we were taught to believe that being real means to confess to a life of mistakes. In reality, I believe people just want authenticity and vulnerability with people they love. Just show your truth. Who are you? This is a great question to ponder. We have been conditioned to label ourselves. But try to go beyond that. Who are you really? *What* are you? 

My favorite spiritual teacher Gangaji on Who are you…really?


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Posted in Connection, Depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »