Others need to see me in their own way for the benefit of their personal journey

Written by Amie on July 1, 2013 – 11:12 pm -

“You surrender to a lot of things which are not worthy of you. I wish you would surrender to your radiance… your integrity…your beautiful human grace.”~ Yogi Bhajanakes

 

depression is the suppression of the true self; trauma and repressed emotions included

I really love this quote. I have been thinking a lot about how much I surrendered my true self in the past. Mostly, to make those around me comfortable. I don’t beat myself up about this because I know that I did it unconsciously, I know I did it to cope with my life at the time. I know I buried my “radiance, my integrity, and my beautiful human grace”, so that I could get through my days without much conflict, and for the benefit of others. I understand now that people are going to do what they do because that’s what they need to do. It has nothing to do with me. I may just be the mirror they need in order to see what they need to see for their personal journey.  I have a clarity around this now. I know people see in me what they need to see for the benefit of their own journey. I know who I am and what I stand for, but this will not always be what others see. Before I grew stronger in myself, there was a time when I would be deeply hurt by what others thought of me, knowing they were so far off base.  I would internalize their words and I would believe there was something wrong with me, instead of questioning why they would say untrue words. In the past, I would act accordingly to their perspective. I became what they needed me to be, and they would be temporarily pacified. Meanwhile, my true self was dying a slow death. I felt the imbalance deep within me, but I blamed it on “depression”. “The reason I am feeling terrible is because I am so depressed.” I didn’t know to question why my true self was dying.  The definition of depression for me back then was, “There is something wrong with ME”. This was before I understood that depression is the suppression of the true self, which includes traumas and repressed emotions.

they want to see the me that will make *their* story true

I was surrendering to what others needed from me. I was surrendering to what I had to do in order to survive. I surrendered to what I needed to do so that I could cope. And then slowly, I began to awaken. I began to awaken to the truth. The truth that I was “depressed” because my beautiful self had been sacrificed for the sake of others. My beautiful truth had been buried. It is very clear to me now that a person who is living their life from their pain body (unconsciously) will NEVER see the real me. They want to see the me that will make *their* story true. They want to be able to blame others for their problems, blame  others for their circumstances, and blame others for disrupting their story. I feel so relieved now to really see this. It comes back to each of us being a mirror for others. People project their issues onto others when they don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to take responsibility for their own issues. I see now how much easier it is to be able to point the finger at someone else rather than have to make a change in my own life. So many people go through each day pointing the finger at all of “those people” who make their lives difficult. Anytime they are faced with some truth about their own life that makes them uncomfortable, they lash out at those “other people” who are doing it to them. It is easier to lash out than to look inside ourselves. I know this, I used to do this too. I realized that by blaming others for my emotions I was also handing them my power. When I was under the impression that others could “make me” feel a certain way, I was helpless. I gave them permission to control my feelings.

they need to see me in their own way, it truly has nothing to do with me

I’m writing this to say a few things. What others think of me is none of my business. It is theirs. I will not surrender to things that aren’t true. I know who I am and I stand in my truth no matter what words and stories are tossed around. I know my soul. I know I am a compassionate, loving, very caring, passionate and sensitive person. *This* is who I am. This is what I choose to surrender to, the truth. I will not surrender to someone else’s story. It doesn’t help them, and it harms me. I can’t control someone else’s journey. I would love to help them, but it is not always possible, especially when they have bought into their story completely. With all of this being said, I am still working on not allowing someone else’s story or their words to insult who I know myself to truly be. I understand where they are coming from, and I do have compassion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain around it. It is still painful for me when someone who once claimed they loved me to see me from their perspective, (which is that I am acting maliciously and disrespectfully). It is painful when their words are so far from the truth. I continue to remind myself that others need to see me in their own way for their own personal journey, it truly has nothing to do with me. People will find ways of feeding their own story until they make the choice to awaken to their own truth, and own their emotions, circumstances, and behavior. In the past I may have come to the conclusion that, “if I speak my truth, I get abandoned, it is wrong, I am wrong, I need to fix it so they aren’t angry with me, what can I do to make them comfortable, I should not speak up.” Wow, what a heavy energy that is! No wonder I was depressed! The heavy energy has lifted for the most part, which is pure grace. I am very grateful. I see myself as I am, and I truly love what I see. I wish this for you and for everyone.

 

….when you start feeling the truth of who you are and also expressing this, you are loving yourself. When you love yourself, you begin loving the world around you. When you love the world around you, you are open to the love that the Universe has been holding for you all along….

 

 

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Posted in Depression, Healing & personal growth, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 2 Comments »

Depression,loneliness,authenticity,and vulnerability

Written by Amie on February 19, 2012 – 3:53 pm -

naming the feeling of loneliness

I received an e-mail yesterday from someone asking me about loneliness. She told me she feels lonely even when she is surrounded by people who care about her. I told her I can totally relate to the feeling, and I also told her what a gift it is that she recognizes this part of herself. I remember so many times that I felt this way. It took me a very long time to figure out what was really behind the feeling of loneliness. Honestly, I didn’t know it was loneliness I was feeling. I knew the feeling felt really big inside me, but I wasn’t sure how to name it. At that time in my life, I had the habit of turning these feelings against myself. In other words, I had this big feeling inside me that I bundled all together with all of the “bad” feelings I was having, and called it depression.  I would tell myself there must be something *wrong with me* for feeling bad even when I had people in my life who loved me. How could I be around people who say they care about me and still feel depressed? The answer eluded me for quite awhile. Maybe the real situation was that I didn’t want to acknowledge my truth. If I were to actually name this feeling I was having (loneliness), I believed I would then have to act on it right away.  That isn’t true. The first step is always to acknowledge the feeling, and then allow yourself to feel it. Once you allow yourself to feel your emotions, a part of you will open up to new possibilities, and action will follow if that is what needs to happen.

I was dying inside, I felt so empty

It took me awhile to figure out, or acknowledge that I truly was feeling lonely. It also took me awhile to see the patterns I had set up in my life to support this loneliness. I am not being judgmental here, just stating what is true. Somewhere along the path in my life I learned that I needed to protect my sensitive spirit from people who had the potential to hurt me. When our true selves are not nurtured and supported starting from a young age, we learn other ways to be in the world as a way of protecting ourselves. I thought if I could keep myself from being vulnerable with another person, I was protecting  myself. I only allowed myself to go to a certain level of connection with people, and then I would put up my walls of protection. Nobody could get past those walls. It appeared as though I was sharing myself with others, but I wasn’t. Not by a long shot. I appeared strong and I appeared as though I had it all together. But I didn’t. I was dying inside. I felt so empty.

it has taken me almost 6 years to get to where I am today

With the help of a therapist, I finally came to see how lonely I was really feeling. I found a therapist who (after going through many therapists that I could never open up to) I felt safe with. It took awhile, but she was finally able to help me make a crack in my wall of protection. It was a slow, often painful process. My mind was like a steel trap. It did not want to budge. It has taken me almost 6 years to get to where I am today. That seems like a long time when there are promises out there telling us you can pop a pill to get relief without having to do the work of looking inside yourself. (I am not saying medication should never be taken, I tried that route myself) However, to put things into perspective, I remind myself that it took me much longer than 6 years to get to the breaking point of depression, so I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. I had to rediscover the authentic person behind the wall of protection, and that takes work.

most people feel lonely because it is not “small talk” they are really wanting and needing

And…back to the issue of loneliness….I can see now that people who have a wall up around them are most likely feeling lonely most of the time. Most people feel lonely because it is not “small talk” they are really wanting and needing. Most of us settle for this because it is the norm. But on a deeper level, we want to feel connected to each other, we want to know what is really alive in the person we are talking with. We want to feel authenticity with each other. It is so sad that most people have been trained to ignore the real stuff, and go straight to the small talk. My first real connection with someone was my therapist. I know that may sound weird, but I don’t care! lol She was coming from a conscious healthy place, and I felt it.  I felt her authenticity, and I wanted more. From there I met a wonderful friend (at a book store!) who is so authentic with me. At first, it was scary because I didn’t trust that she could be real. I didn’t trust that she wouldn’t hurt me. But I hung in there, and I now call her my soul sister. I am also a part of a women’s spiritual growth group with like minded conscious women who are also seeking authenticity and truth. Another person who I relate to on a soul level is a friend I met years ago at a health food store! She is someone that I know connects with me at a very deep and authentic level.

the more I love myself, the more I bring people into my life that will mirror that love back to me

I feel so grateful for all of the people in my life right now who are real with me. I notice that the more I love myself, the more I bring people into my life that will mirror that love back to me. My kids have done this for me since the day they were born. Talk about authentic! To this day, they call me out on my old patterns. So, I guess what I am trying to say here is that if you are feeling depressed, ask yourself if you are lonely. Be as honest as you can be with yourself. Just admitting it but not putting pressure on yourself to do anything about it will help. Just allow yourself to feel the truth of what is there in your body. I would say to myself, “I am feeling really lonely right now”. Then I would tune in to what my body was feeling in that moment. Tightness in my stomach, almost always. Just stay with the feelings in your body. You don’t have to solve anything….just feel…..

 it’s time to fall in love..with yourself

The more you allow yourself to feel what is true for you, the more you will begin to crack open your wall of protection. What I am also saying here is that if you don’t have at least one person in your life you can be 100% real with, it is time to find one. Finding one will lead to finding another. I promise you there are people out there wanting the same thing you do. Authenticity. Vulnerability is a part of the process. People who are willing to be vulnerable, willing to show their human side, will attract others who want the same thing. People are lonely because they are guarded. We shut down our truth; our human side. The act of pretending to be happy, the act of going through the motions of being human, doesn’t cut it for very long. Many people are okay with living their lives like this. I am not one of those people anymore. If I would have continued down the pretending path for much longer, I most likely wouldn’t be here today. That is the truth. I need to be real, I need to be who I was born to be, I need people in my life who are willing to be real with me. I refuse to pretend. One more thing….actually a very important point…..once you start truly loving yourself unconditionally, you won’t feel lonely anymore. When you love yourself, you will stop looking for someone else to make you feel any certain way. Nobody can ever make you feel unconditional love for yourself. You need your love in order to be happy. You can start loving yourself right this minute by asking yourself what you honestly need right now. Being honest about it will start your path to self-love. We all crave authenticity and love and deep connection….so you really can’t truly feel these things unless you are madly in love with yourself!!! So, maybe it’s time to fall in love..with yourself! xo

And in the spirit of love….I have to put this song in here yet again…I just love it so much! 🙂

 

 

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