Don’t tell me you love me if your actions don’t match your words

Written by Amie on August 10, 2013 – 2:57 pm -

“I get it, but I don’t *want* to get it”

I’m feeling angry and frustrated. Underneath the anger is grief. Very painful grief.  I have been grieving a lot over the past 6 years, and each time a new wave hits me, it feels like I am healing on a deeper and deeper level. I know I can’t change people, I can’t change their capacity to love, I can’t change the way they protect themselves emotionally. But it’s so hard to just accept this. It is so hard for me to accept that a person or people would choose to remain in their story rather than mend a life long relationship with people they claim to love.. I keep saying to myself, “I get it, but I don’t *want* to get it”. I don’t want to accept that someone would choose their lifelong pattern of living behind their armor of protection rather than figure out how to love authentically. I feel sad that people can’t experience love because they are in too much emotional pain. Pain that is blocking the heart from opening to deeper experiences. So I continue to feel my anger and frustration, which leads to feeling the real stuff underneath, which is deep grief and sadness.

I was this person years ago

I truly don’t feel like I am asking for much. I am simply asking for people to be real, be authentic, say what is true. And this is where the frustration comes in. I totally understand why many people are unable to do this. I was this person years ago. I was too afraid to be vulnerable. I was too afraid to share with anyone the pain I was feeling. It was too scary for me. So, I understand it. However, I also remember when my pain became too great. I thought I would die if something didn’t change. So this is where I come back to not fully understanding how losing people you keep claiming you love doesn’t catapult you into seeking help to support you in your struggle. I am not judging. I am just trying to wrap my head around it. And I keep coming back to the realization that some people have such deep pain that they just can’t entertain the thought of facing it. I get it. And I’m still sad.

suffering for years with depression

I am tired of hearing empty words. Words that make noise but say absolutely nothing. I am tired of the attempted reassurance that I am loved when the actions show otherwise. The words,”I love you” do not have to be spoken between two people when the love is authentic. Actions and the energy of the actions speak louder than words. Sure, it is nice to hear those words sometimes, but only if there is feeling with them. If someone tells me they love me and it feels like they are saying it because they think they should, I don’t hear their words, and I no longer trust them. If a person loves another person, it should be obvious in their actions. You can *feel* love. Love isn’t something to say in order to check it off a list of obligations. All I really want is to know who a person really is. All I really want is to feel the authenticity of a person when I am connecting with them. All I really want is for people to take off the armor and show me who they really are. And yet I know, this is not easy. All I know is that it is crucial if a healthy, loving relationship is to be had. How do I know this? Because I have experienced both ways, and I can tell you that one way sucks the life out of you, and the other way opens you so that you feel alive.

Who Are You?

I believe that underneath all of the armor we carry, is a human (a soul in a physical body) just wanting to be real with the person they are connecting with. Show who you really are. If the person you reveal yourself to doesn’t respond in a way that makes you feel safe, make a note to yourself that this person is someone you should not be vulnerable with, and possibly someone you can’t trust to be in your life. If you are afraid to say your truth then say that. Say, “I am really feeling afraid to say what is true for me.” Start *there*. This is being real. I think we were taught to believe that being real means to confess to a life of mistakes. In reality, I believe people just want authenticity and vulnerability with people they love. Just show your truth. Who are you? This is a great question to ponder. We have been conditioned to label ourselves. But try to go beyond that. Who are you really? *What* are you? 

My favorite spiritual teacher Gangaji on Who are you…really?

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Others need to see me in their own way for the benefit of their personal journey

Written by Amie on July 1, 2013 – 11:12 pm -

“You surrender to a lot of things which are not worthy of you. I wish you would surrender to your radiance… your integrity…your beautiful human grace.”~ Yogi Bhajanakes

 

depression is the suppression of the true self; trauma and repressed emotions included

I really love this quote. I have been thinking a lot about how much I surrendered my true self in the past. Mostly, to make those around me comfortable. I don’t beat myself up about this because I know that I did it unconsciously, I know I did it to cope with my life at the time. I know I buried my “radiance, my integrity, and my beautiful human grace”, so that I could get through my days without much conflict, and for the benefit of others. I understand now that people are going to do what they do because that’s what they need to do. It has nothing to do with me. I may just be the mirror they need in order to see what they need to see for their personal journey.  I have a clarity around this now. I know people see in me what they need to see for the benefit of their own journey. I know who I am and what I stand for, but this will not always be what others see. Before I grew stronger in myself, there was a time when I would be deeply hurt by what others thought of me, knowing they were so far off base.  I would internalize their words and I would believe there was something wrong with me, instead of questioning why they would say untrue words. In the past, I would act accordingly to their perspective. I became what they needed me to be, and they would be temporarily pacified. Meanwhile, my true self was dying a slow death. I felt the imbalance deep within me, but I blamed it on “depression”. “The reason I am feeling terrible is because I am so depressed.” I didn’t know to question why my true self was dying.  The definition of depression for me back then was, “There is something wrong with ME”. This was before I understood that depression is the suppression of the true self, which includes traumas and repressed emotions.

they want to see the me that will make *their* story true

I was surrendering to what others needed from me. I was surrendering to what I had to do in order to survive. I surrendered to what I needed to do so that I could cope. And then slowly, I began to awaken. I began to awaken to the truth. The truth that I was “depressed” because my beautiful self had been sacrificed for the sake of others. My beautiful truth had been buried. It is very clear to me now that a person who is living their life from their pain body (unconsciously) will NEVER see the real me. They want to see the me that will make *their* story true. They want to be able to blame others for their problems, blame  others for their circumstances, and blame others for disrupting their story. I feel so relieved now to really see this. It comes back to each of us being a mirror for others. People project their issues onto others when they don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to take responsibility for their own issues. I see now how much easier it is to be able to point the finger at someone else rather than have to make a change in my own life. So many people go through each day pointing the finger at all of “those people” who make their lives difficult. Anytime they are faced with some truth about their own life that makes them uncomfortable, they lash out at those “other people” who are doing it to them. It is easier to lash out than to look inside ourselves. I know this, I used to do this too. I realized that by blaming others for my emotions I was also handing them my power. When I was under the impression that others could “make me” feel a certain way, I was helpless. I gave them permission to control my feelings.

they need to see me in their own way, it truly has nothing to do with me

I’m writing this to say a few things. What others think of me is none of my business. It is theirs. I will not surrender to things that aren’t true. I know who I am and I stand in my truth no matter what words and stories are tossed around. I know my soul. I know I am a compassionate, loving, very caring, passionate and sensitive person. *This* is who I am. This is what I choose to surrender to, the truth. I will not surrender to someone else’s story. It doesn’t help them, and it harms me. I can’t control someone else’s journey. I would love to help them, but it is not always possible, especially when they have bought into their story completely. With all of this being said, I am still working on not allowing someone else’s story or their words to insult who I know myself to truly be. I understand where they are coming from, and I do have compassion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain around it. It is still painful for me when someone who once claimed they loved me to see me from their perspective, (which is that I am acting maliciously and disrespectfully). It is painful when their words are so far from the truth. I continue to remind myself that others need to see me in their own way for their own personal journey, it truly has nothing to do with me. People will find ways of feeding their own story until they make the choice to awaken to their own truth, and own their emotions, circumstances, and behavior. In the past I may have come to the conclusion that, “if I speak my truth, I get abandoned, it is wrong, I am wrong, I need to fix it so they aren’t angry with me, what can I do to make them comfortable, I should not speak up.” Wow, what a heavy energy that is! No wonder I was depressed! The heavy energy has lifted for the most part, which is pure grace. I am very grateful. I see myself as I am, and I truly love what I see. I wish this for you and for everyone.

 

….when you start feeling the truth of who you are and also expressing this, you are loving yourself. When you love yourself, you begin loving the world around you. When you love the world around you, you are open to the love that the Universe has been holding for you all along….

 

 

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