Others need to see me in their own way for the benefit of their personal journey

Written by Amie on July 1, 2013 – 11:12 pm -

“You surrender to a lot of things which are not worthy of you. I wish you would surrender to your radiance… your integrity…your beautiful human grace.”~ Yogi Bhajanakes

 

depression is the suppression of the true self; trauma and repressed emotions included

I really love this quote. I have been thinking a lot about how much I surrendered my true self in the past. Mostly, to make those around me comfortable. I don’t beat myself up about this because I know that I did it unconsciously, I know I did it to cope with my life at the time. I know I buried my “radiance, my integrity, and my beautiful human grace”, so that I could get through my days without much conflict, and for the benefit of others. I understand now that people are going to do what they do because that’s what they need to do. It has nothing to do with me. I may just be the mirror they need in order to see what they need to see for their personal journey.  I have a clarity around this now. I know people see in me what they need to see for the benefit of their own journey. I know who I am and what I stand for, but this will not always be what others see. Before I grew stronger in myself, there was a time when I would be deeply hurt by what others thought of me, knowing they were so far off base.  I would internalize their words and I would believe there was something wrong with me, instead of questioning why they would say untrue words. In the past, I would act accordingly to their perspective. I became what they needed me to be, and they would be temporarily pacified. Meanwhile, my true self was dying a slow death. I felt the imbalance deep within me, but I blamed it on “depression”. “The reason I am feeling terrible is because I am so depressed.” I didn’t know to question why my true self was dying.  The definition of depression for me back then was, “There is something wrong with ME”. This was before I understood that depression is the suppression of the true self, which includes traumas and repressed emotions.

they want to see the me that will make *their* story true

I was surrendering to what others needed from me. I was surrendering to what I had to do in order to survive. I surrendered to what I needed to do so that I could cope. And then slowly, I began to awaken. I began to awaken to the truth. The truth that I was “depressed” because my beautiful self had been sacrificed for the sake of others. My beautiful truth had been buried. It is very clear to me now that a person who is living their life from their pain body (unconsciously) will NEVER see the real me. They want to see the me that will make *their* story true. They want to be able to blame others for their problems, blame  others for their circumstances, and blame others for disrupting their story. I feel so relieved now to really see this. It comes back to each of us being a mirror for others. People project their issues onto others when they don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to take responsibility for their own issues. I see now how much easier it is to be able to point the finger at someone else rather than have to make a change in my own life. So many people go through each day pointing the finger at all of “those people” who make their lives difficult. Anytime they are faced with some truth about their own life that makes them uncomfortable, they lash out at those “other people” who are doing it to them. It is easier to lash out than to look inside ourselves. I know this, I used to do this too. I realized that by blaming others for my emotions I was also handing them my power. When I was under the impression that others could “make me” feel a certain way, I was helpless. I gave them permission to control my feelings.

they need to see me in their own way, it truly has nothing to do with me

I’m writing this to say a few things. What others think of me is none of my business. It is theirs. I will not surrender to things that aren’t true. I know who I am and I stand in my truth no matter what words and stories are tossed around. I know my soul. I know I am a compassionate, loving, very caring, passionate and sensitive person. *This* is who I am. This is what I choose to surrender to, the truth. I will not surrender to someone else’s story. It doesn’t help them, and it harms me. I can’t control someone else’s journey. I would love to help them, but it is not always possible, especially when they have bought into their story completely. With all of this being said, I am still working on not allowing someone else’s story or their words to insult who I know myself to truly be. I understand where they are coming from, and I do have compassion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain around it. It is still painful for me when someone who once claimed they loved me to see me from their perspective, (which is that I am acting maliciously and disrespectfully). It is painful when their words are so far from the truth. I continue to remind myself that others need to see me in their own way for their own personal journey, it truly has nothing to do with me. People will find ways of feeding their own story until they make the choice to awaken to their own truth, and own their emotions, circumstances, and behavior. In the past I may have come to the conclusion that, “if I speak my truth, I get abandoned, it is wrong, I am wrong, I need to fix it so they aren’t angry with me, what can I do to make them comfortable, I should not speak up.” Wow, what a heavy energy that is! No wonder I was depressed! The heavy energy has lifted for the most part, which is pure grace. I am very grateful. I see myself as I am, and I truly love what I see. I wish this for you and for everyone.

 

….when you start feeling the truth of who you are and also expressing this, you are loving yourself. When you love yourself, you begin loving the world around you. When you love the world around you, you are open to the love that the Universe has been holding for you all along….

 

 

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Who has your back?

Written by Amie on August 30, 2012 – 1:43 am -

Feeling emotionally safe

I have been thinking a lot lately about feeling safe in the world. By this, I mean emotionally safe. It took me a very long time to realize that I hadn’t really felt safe emotionally until very recently. It is not anyone’s fault, most people do the best they can with the information they have. I hadn’t realized how many true feelings I held back. Very often, I would just listen to someone and nod accordingly to their words, even if there was something I would have loved to say. I had somehow learned that their words were more important than mine. I learned to be the easy going one. I have to say that I also have always had a rebellious side going on underneath the easy going exterior. I hadn’t realized how subtle my actions were until recently when I was again faced with a situation where someone close to me acted in a way that proved they could not be trusted with matters that are important to me. I knew instinctively that I couldn’t trust this person, but there is always that place in my heart that still has some hope left in it. I have learned who it is safe to let my guard down with and who it isn’t. I forgot, and well, it was proven once again, that this person really doesn’t “have my back”.

my heart was being crushed 

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. I was angry knowing that I trusted someone but they acted disrespectfully back.The worst part was that they acted as though I should just forget about it, and as though it is no big deal that they just disregarded my feelings. Like I should just be the easy going person I always was, and just let them treat me that way. I have grown and healed enough to know that certain people get the privilege of knowing the real me, and certain people will only get the “surface” me. I learned that I must protect my heart from people who are still asleep in unconsciousness. There is no judgment around this, it is just fact. Some people are only capable of staying on the exterior of their lives. I understand this, as I used to be in that same category. I became so depressed because my heart was being crushed and my true self trampled. I just didn’t realize it at the time.

to protect ourselves, we became “the strong one”

Coming back to feeling safe or not feeling safe. Most of us have been conditioned to believe that being independent is a good thing and that we don’t need anybody else. I see now how it is so subtle the way we learn this. We are taught this usually as children. Children are forced to do things even if their inner voice is telling them no. Children are forced to talk to adults even if it feels wrong. We were taught to respect adults and those “in charge” simply because they were older than us. We learned to feel helpless, and then in order to protect ourselves, we became “the strong one”, so independent. I know I developed the attitude that I could do it all myself. I took on the mantra that it was easier to do it myself than to ask someone for help. I thought it was a sign of weakness to ask for help. So, most of us developed a strong outer armor so as to protect our sensitive loving hearts. In the process of this, we picked up the message that we are in this alone, and that nobody really has our back. When this is the predominant feeling, a person feels worthless and unlovable and as though they don’t really matter to the world. These feelings lead to loneliness even if in the middle of a crowd of people.

when you start feeling the truth of who you are and also expressing this, you are loving yourself. When you love yourself, you begin loving the world around you. When you love the world around you, you are open to the love that the Universe has been holding for you

I am writing all of this because I want each and every person reading this to know that even if you are feeling lonely,and as though nobody really has your back,  it is possible to change this. I want you to know that depression is masking the real you. Protecting yourself from the world is understandable. The way to change this is to make sure you have at least one person in your life that you know has your back. It is so important to feel like you can show exactly who you are with at least one person. Being yourself with someone gives you the practice you need to slowly start being yourself with more and more people. You will gain confidence. Soon you will start noticing that there may be certain people in your life that really don’t have your back. Sometimes this is a very tough realization. But, in order for a person to allow their truth to show, people that do not support your growth and support you exactly as you are should not be allowed to be a significant part of your life. At least not at the very beiginning of your healing journey. Later, when you become stronger, you might be able to be around them again in a way that allows you to take care of your heart. Once you are able to be exactly who you are, you will start to notice other things in your life changing. If you have a job you hate, you might suddenly find yourself with opportunities to start a new job you love. Your life will start to take on the life you have always wanted. Why is this? Because when you start feeling the truth of who you are and also expressing this, you are loving yourself. When you love yourself, you begin loving the world around you. When you love the world around you, you are open to the love that the Universe has been holding for you, just waiting for you to open yourself to love. Depression happens because you are suppressing your true self. When you suppress your true self, you are hating yourself. Start right now by writing down one thing you would love to do but haven’t allowed yourself to do.  This can be the beginning of your love affair with yourself. Take the next step of making sure you have at least one person in your life who you know without a doubt has your back, even if this means reaching out and asking for help.

 

***You are loved, love is just waiting for you to come back to it, you were born to love and to be loved, self-hate is learned, it is not your natural state. You are perfect exactly as you are and it is possible to love yourself.***

 

 

 

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